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Archive | Joke of the Week

Everyone needs friends

A woman tried getting on a bus, but realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile at the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step but discovered she couldn’t.

She smiled at the driver and again reached behind to unzip herself a little more but was still unable to take the step.

She became quite frustrated and embarrassed, and once more attempted to unzip her skirt a little more to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

Suddenly, a large Texan, who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

The woman was outraged, and turned on the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch me! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, Ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.”

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Fifty dollars

Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the state fair every year. And every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s $50.”

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50!”

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The fire engine

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl across the street in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet, and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire engine,” he told the girl.

“Thanks,” she said, with a big smile.

The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar, and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” he said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl thought about it for a moment. “You’re probably right,” she said, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

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Return to sender

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text. It read: 

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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Parking

I went shopping in the city the other day. I was in the store for only about five minutes. When I came out, I saw a parking meter attendant writing a ticket for an expired meter.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, how about giving a man a break?” 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement.

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

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Magic firewood

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut some firewood.

He started to swing at a tree, but it interrupted him.

“Wait!” shouted the tree. “I am a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and nodded his head. “Yes,” he said. “And you will dialogue.”

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A little bit of fun

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

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Snow and winter jokes

What do snowmen call their kids?

Chill-dren.

What did the icy road say to the car?

“Want to go for a spin?”

What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?

Snow.

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Why did the girl keep her trumpet out in the snow?

She liked playing cool jazz.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Icy.

Icy who?

Icy you!

How do mountains stay warm?

They put on their snowcaps.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a temper tantrum?

A meltdown.

What is a snowman’s favorite snack?

Ice krispies treats.

What does December have that no other month does?

The letter D.

Where do snowmen put their money?

Snowbanks.

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?

Frosted Flakes!

Where do snowmen love to dance?

At a snow ball.

What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?

Iced tea.

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?

“Have an ice day!”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What can you catch with your eyes closed?

A cold.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Scold.

Scold who?

‘Scold outside!

Why are winter days great?

They’re snow much fun!

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New dog cross breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point owned by…oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = You figure this one out.

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New Year’s jokes

Q: Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?

A: To ring in the New Year.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

Q: What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

A: Pop!

Q: What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?

A: Moo Year’s Eve.

Q: Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?

A: Waiting for the punch line.

Q: What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

A: Hogs and kisses.

Q: Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve?

A: Times Square.

Q: Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?

A: To start off the New Year in a cool way.

Q: What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve?

A: I haven’t seen you for a year.

Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?

A: He got 12 months!

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