My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” 

Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. 

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” 

Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter. 

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. 

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye,
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Morty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop!”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” 

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Q: What came out of the sprinkler during the heat wave?

A: Steam.

Q: How are people during a heat wave like clothes?

A: Their sweaters.

Q: Why were hungry dogs chasing he boy on the hot day?

A: They knew he had two hot pockets.

Q: What do you call a 3-pointer on the court during a heat wave?

A: A hot shot.

Q: Why did the man bring blue cheese to the aviary on a 100-degree day?

A: To go with the hot wings.

Q: Why should you play soccer on hot days?

A: So you’ll be surrounded by fans.

Q: How did the little boy float away at the beach?

A: It was so hot that his beach ball turned into a hot air balloon.

Q: What do you call ice cream on a 110-degree day?

A: A shake.

Q: Who’s the most popular comedian on a hot day?

A: The good humor man.

Q: What do toads drink on a hot summer days?
A: Ice cold Croak-o-cola.

Q: What do fans do at hot, summer baseball games?
A: Heat waves.

Q: What do you call a poodle in Arizona during the summer?
A: A hot dog

Q: What did the bee do when it was hot?
A: Took off his yellow jacket.

Q: What do you give a puppy on a really hot day?
A: A pupsicle.

Q: How do you help someone during a heat wave?
A: Give them lemon-ade.

Q: What is the coolest letter on a hot summer day?
A: Iced T.

Q: What kind of food can you get at the beach during the hottest days?
A: Steamed clams.

Q: What did the air conditioning say to the TV star?
A: I’m your biggest fan.

Q: What did the pig say on the really hot day?
A: I’m bacon.

Q: Why are elephants always ready to swim on a hot day?
A: They always have their trunks with them.

Q: Which is the fastest, heat or cold?
A: Heat is faster because you can catch a cold.

Q: Why did the panda go to Home Depot on a hot summer day?
A: To buy a bear conditioner.

Q: What’s the brightest day of the week?
A: SUNday.

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk? 

The Star-Spangled Banner. 

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? 

The Americans licked the British! 

How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America? 

Because freedom rings. 

What’s red, white, black and blue? 

Uncle Sam falling down the stairs. 

What kind of tea did the American colonists want? 

Liberty. 

What was General Washington’s favorite tree? 

The infantry. 

What was the most popular dance in 1776? 

Indepen-dance. 

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? 

It can’t sit down. 

Why did the duck say bang? 

Because he was a firequacker. 

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? 

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

Why were the first Americans like ants? 

They lived in colonies. 

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? 

Beneduck Arnold. 

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and fireworks? 

Dino-mite. 

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? 

The Fodder of Our Country! 

What did one flag say to the other flag? 

Nothing. It just waved. 

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”   “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”