When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to adopt lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

An elderly couple is in church. The husband whispers to the wife, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts. What do I do?”

The wife whispers back, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.

So I sat down on the couch and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing.

It will definitely spice up my autobiography.

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet

But the thyme is cumin.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Can you believe my neighbor rang my doorbell at 5 am?

Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.

The wise old Bishop said, “Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, ‘Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,’ that will get their attention; then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was, and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love.”

The young priest decided to take the advice.

The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, “Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman,” and then he paused.

The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what comes next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.

He said in conclusion, “Well, I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!”

In a small town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people—vandalism, stealing, assault, etc. One day one of the brothers died and the other brother went to the town preacher to arrange his funeral.

“For my brother’s funeral can you do me one favor?” he asked the preacher.

“Sure, and what might that be?”

“I’ll pay you $10,000 if you call my brother a saint.” The preacher agreed and word broke like wildfire in this small community that the preacher would be calling the worst person in the town’s history a saint, so the day of the funeral came and people were lined out of the door to hear what the preacher was going to say. Once everyone had arrived the preacher started his speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn upon the most wicked, the most hateful, and maybe the worst person I have ever met in my life, but compared to his brother that is sitting in front of me, he was a saint.”

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “When Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

What does a house wear?

Address!

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands. 

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every

morning.”

David nodded. “I know,” he said, and smiled. “It’s great.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged. Barb remarked again on David’s loving parents and how nice

it was for his dad to serve his mom coffee in bed each morning. “Hopefully the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” she said, and winked.

David smiled. “You won’t be disappointed,” he said. “It runs in the family.”

The couple was soon married, and upon waking on that first morning as David’s wife, Barb woke up expecting to smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly brewed coffee.

Instead, her husband was snoring loudly beside her.

She shook him awake. “Hey, handsome, how about that coffee?” she asked sweetly.

“Two creams, one sugar,” he mumbled.

“No, I mean, why aren’t you getting me coffee?” asked Barb. “I thought you said it runs in the family.”

“It does,” replied a groggy David. “And I take after my mom.”

I was in the bar yesterday when I realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was quite loud, so I timed my farts with the beats.

After a couple of songs, I felt a lot better. I finished my beer, and when I got up to leave, I noticed that everyone was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

He always got to the root of every case.

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I’m coming down with something.

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

Why should you never trust stairs?

They are always up to something.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?

Nacho cheese!

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?

Because he wanted to see time fly.

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Hi, bud!

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.