A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph, but the police car is faster. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
• A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
• You only need two tools in life—WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
• If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
• Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache!

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree!

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?

It waves!

What do you call a labrador at the beach in August?

A hot dog.

What does the sun drink out of?

Sunglasses.

What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

Long time, no sea.

How does earth and mars schedule a vacation?

They planet.

Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation?

A mooooo-tel!

What do sheep do on nice summer days?

Go to a baa-baa-cue.

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game-warden.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“No, sir,” said the man. “These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ‘em home.”

“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

The game warden was curious. “O.K. I’ve got to see this!” 

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” asked the game warden.

“Call who back?” answered the man.

“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.

“What fish?” the man asked and walked away.

A pastor woke up one beautiful Sunday morning and daydreamed about what a great morning it would be to play golf. He just knew it was the day he’d get his first ever hole-in-one! But alas, he had to preach to a bunch of tight-fisted, pushy do-gooders who just slept through his sermons every Sunday.

As he thought about it, he got irritated. Why should everyone else get to enjoy themselves out on the links on Sunday morning? An idea popped into his head, and he grabbed his phone and called his assistant pastor. Using his best sick voice, he told his assistant he was ill and needed him to take charge of the service today. The man was hesitant but agreed.

With a newfound surge of energy and excitement, the pastor jumped out bed, grabbed his golf clubs, then drove to a golf course 30 miles away. He didn’t want to chance anyone seeing him.

The man basked in the warm sunshine and felt the beauty of the day as he got ready to tee off on the first hole. When he hit the ball, a huge gust of wind caught it and carried it an extra 100 yards and dropped it right in the hole—for a 450-yard hole in one. The man jumped up and down with excitement and pulled his phone out of his pocket as if to call someone, but his smile quickly faded.

High in the heavens, an angel looked at God and said, “What did you do that for?”

God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died and went to heaven. God asked each one of them what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

“I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master,” said the Doberman.

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit to my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “What do you believe in?”

The cat grinned. “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” 

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

My wife’s best friend and her husband were having dinner with our family. Their four-year-old daughter sat across the table from me and stared at me the whole time. The little girl barely ate as she gazed at me intently.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for crumbs, smoothed my hair down, ran my tongue over my teeth to make sure nothing was stuck in between them, and quickly wiped my nose. But nothing stopped her from staring at me. 

Finally, I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. 

“Oh!” she said with a big smile. “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish!”

A man went on a business trip and checked into his hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally typed in the wrong email address, and without realizing it, he sent the email to a widow who had just returned from her husband’s funeral.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor, and saw this email on the screen:

From: Your loving husband

To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones. I’ve just checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but I’m lonely here. I have made the necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see you!

There were two buddies—one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”   

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” 

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” 

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The man at the door says, “Come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again, the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” 

The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

My three-year-old son came out of the bathroom crying and told me that he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. 

“How did that happen?” I asked.

“I was brushing the toilet’s teeth and it fell in,” he explained, wiping away tears.

I held back a smile, then fished out the toothbrush and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there a moment, deep in thought. Then he ran into the bathroom.

He soon came out with my toothbrush and held it up and smiled.

“We better throw this one out, too, then,” he said, “cuz it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

The statements below are said to have been written by actual bible students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected.

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

• Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

• Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of Apostles.

• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

• Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

• The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

• He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

• Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

• When the three wise guyes from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.