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Archive | Joke of the Week

Funny riddles

1 There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

2. What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

3. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

4.  What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

5. Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

6. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

7. Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

8. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

9. What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

10. Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

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Remember the Alamo!

Texas makes me think of the old slogan “Remember the Alamo.”

 It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. 

After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo-knee.

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Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  “What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!”

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God is watching

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun placed a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”

Further down the line was a plate of cookies. A little boy placed his own note in front of the plate.  “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

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Finding heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by the new pastor in town, who asked, “Can you tell me where the post office is?”

“Sure,” the boy replied. “Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The pastor thanked him and said, “I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Aw, come on. You don’t even know the way to the post office!”

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What’s in a name?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. “Some friend you are! Can’t even remember my name.” She sulked and stared at her friend for several minutes. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Thanks to Virginia Christensen, of Trufant, for this week’s joke.

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Proud grandma

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

The man cleared his throat a few times, hoping to dive in and change the subject, but couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

The woman finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation.

“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say,” she said and smiled. “Please, tell me…what do you think of my grandchildren?”

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Easter jokes

Where does Christmas come before Easter? In the dictionary!

What’s the best way to make Easter easier? Put an “i” where the “t” is.

How does Easter end? With an “R”!

Where can you find Easter treasure? Where eggs marks the spot!

How can you make shopping for Easter go faster? Use the eggs-press lane!

What should you do if you eat a lot of Easter treats? Eggs-ercise!

What kind of jewelry is the best Easter gift? A 14-carrot gold necklace.

What kind of bean can’t grow in a garden? A jelly bean.

What happens if you get married on Easter? You live hoppily ever after.

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? Nice gnawing you.

What is Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music? Hip-hop!

What do you get if you give an Easter Bunny a pair of socks? A sock hop!

How does an Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good? Hare spray.

What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite restaurant? IHOP.

Why was the Easter Bunny so sad? He was having a bad hare day.

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Floods and faith

A pastor of a small church was in the middle of a historic flood. As the water began to rise, he climbed up to the bell tower and onto the roof. A little while later, one of his parishiners came by in a rowboat. “Do you need a ride pastor?” he called. “No,” said the pastor. “I have faith that the Lord will not give me more than I can handle. He will keep me safe.”

As the water rose higher, another boat with three men floated by and one of the men hollered out, “Do you need help?”

“Why no,” said the pastor. “God is with me. My faith will sustain me, but thank you.” and he waved them off. Soon the water was above the roof and the pastor succumed in the cold rushing water and drowned.

As he entered heaven, he exclaimed to God, “Lord, I told everyone that you would not let me drown!”

The Lord answered by saying, “Well, I offered you two rides!”

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Smile For the DMV

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. 

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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