A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man.  “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady.  “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.  “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.  “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed that someone was at home because of a car in the driveway. The pastor continually knocked, but no one answered the door. So the pastor took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” (which reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock”) on the back of the card, leaving it in the door.

On Sunday, he found that his card had been returned in the offering plate. Underneath where he had written “Revelation 3:20” was written “Genesis 3:10.”

After getting his Bible to check the passage, he laughed to find that Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch.  She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.  He took the box to her and asked about the contents.  

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

What is a New Year’s resolution? 

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

What is corn’s favorite holiday? 

New Ears Eve.

What’s a cow’s favorite holiday? 

Moo Year’s Eve.

Where do you go to do your math homework on New Year’s Eve? 

Times Square.

They say New York City has the best New Year’s celebration, but I say it’s overrated. Do you know why?

Because every year they drop the ball.

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year’s party on the moon, but it didn’t work out. Do you know why? 

They didn’t planet in time.

What do farmers grow on January 1? 

New Year’s Hay.

Why do you need a jeweler on December 31? 

To ring in the New Year.

What does the little champagne bottle call his father? 

Pop!

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

What does Santa put on his toast?
Jingle Jam

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
Santa!  The other two don’t exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa’s nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-”toast”!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…” “I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…” “I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO…” His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. However, one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firefighter helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar!’”

• How much did Santa’s sleigh cost? 

It was on the house.

• Why is Santa scared of chimneys? 

Because he’s claus-trophobic.

• How you can tell that Santa is real? 

You can always sense his presents.

• What nationality is Santa Claus? 

North Polish.

• Why did Mrs. Claus get mad at Santa? 

Because her husband was a flake.

• What’s Santa’s favorite type of music? 

Wrap.

• Why is Santa so good at karate?

He has a black belt.

• Why does Santa go through the chimney? 

Because it soots him.

Q: What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? 

A: A Har-VEST.

Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common? 

A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? 

A: Pumpkin pi.

Q: What is a pumpkin’s favorite sport? 

A: Squash

Q: If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? 

A: Goblet.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? 

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the dessert? 

A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

Q: What sound does a turkey’s phone make? 

A: Wing, Wing! Wing, Wing!

Q: What’s the most musical part of a turkey? 

A: The drumstick.

Q: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? 

A: Peach gobbler!

Q. If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? 

A. Scholar ships.

Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted? 

A: Boy! I’m stuffed!

Q: Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble?”

A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Q: What key has legs and can’t open doors? 

A: A Turkey.

Q: What do you call a running turkey? 

A: Fast food.

Q: Why does a pilgrim’s pants always fall down? 

A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? 

A: The turkey trot

Q: What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he’s in pain? 

A: Pil-grimace.

Q: What was the turkey looking for at ToysRus? 

A: Gobbleheads.

Q: What was the turkey suspected of? 

A: Fowl play.