A former sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. 

There was dead silence in the classroom.

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Some tourists stopped for lunch in a Welsh town. 

The tourists were from the U.S., and they were unable to pronounce the name of the town they saw written on the sign. So they decided to ask.

“Before we order, could you very slowly say where we are?” they asked the man waiting to take their order.

The man smiled. “Burrrr…gerrrr Kiiiiiiing…”

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in a way he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently down her leg to her calf. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became quiet.

She had enjoyed this caressing, so she said in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?” 

“What? Oh!” he said, “I found the remote.”

Tom, age 92, and Doris, 89, finally decided to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans. On the way, they passed a drugstore. Tom suggested they go in.

“We’re about to tie the knot,” Tom announced to the pharmacist. “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course,” said the pharmacist.

“Meds to help circulation?”

“All kinds,” said the pharmacist.

“Arthritis pills?”

“Definitely.”

“How about suppositories for irregularity?”

“You bet.”

“Meds for memory problems?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, and pills for sleeping, heartburn and indigestion? What about wheelchairs, walkers and canes?”

“Got ‘em all,” said the pharmacist.

“Adult diapers?”

“Sure,” said the pharmacist.

“Great!” Tom replied. “We’d like to use this store as our bridal registry.”

Eleven coworkers were hanging on a rope from a window, 20 stories up, trying to escape a burning building. 

There were 10 men and one woman, and they could see and feel the rope beginning to unravel. They decided that one of them had to leave because otherwise they would all fall. 

Several of them shouted out reasons that it shouldn’t be them. They couldn’t decide which person it would be, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and her coworkers, and making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…

Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby, were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said how much she missed seeing them and that they never seemed to have time for her. “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside,” she said. “But I still never hear from them. I never even receive a thank you message.”

Ruby told Dolly she understood her friend’s feelings, and that her grandchildren used to be the same way, but not anymore.  “I, too, send my grandchildren a generous check each year,” she said. “But I now hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they pay me a personal visit.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Dolly. “How do you get them to do that?”

Ruby smiled. “It’s simple. I don’t sign the check.”

My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff.

Me: Like what?

My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.

Me: Well, that’s what happened to your older brother.

My kid: What older brother?

Me: Exactly.

A 10-year-old boy had recently attended Vacation Bible School. He was asked by his mother what he learned at VBS.

“Well,” he began, while nibbling thoughtfully on a cookie, “our teacher told us about when God sent Moses behind the enemy lines to rescue the Israelites from the Egyptians.”

“Oh? So what happened?” she asked.

The boy smiled and quickly told the rest of the story. “When they came to the Red Sea, Moses called for engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After they had all crossed, they looked back and saw the Egyptian tanks coming. Quick as a flash, Moses radioed headquarters on his walkie talkie to send bombers to blow up the bridge and save the Israelites.” 

“Bobby!” his surprised Mother exclaimed. “Is that really the way your teacher told the story?’ 

 “Not exactly,” he confessed. “But if I told it her way, you’d never believe it!”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves. The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out. Could they get a divorce in heaven? 

St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy’s yard. He examines the dog’s collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks it’s rather odd but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious so he pins a note on the dog’s collar that reads: “Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day.”

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar. It says: “He lives in a home with four children and he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

A husband and wife are at the wife’s 25^th class reunion. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, doing back flips, leading a Conga line, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”

A young pregnant mother went into labor during a violent thunderstorm. Her husband was away on business, so she called an ambulance.

When the ambulance arrived, the mother was ready to deliver. The house was dark due to a power outage, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Little Connor was soon born, and the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom. He started to cry, and the paramedic handed him to his mother.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. 

She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place! Spank him again!”