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Archive | Joke of the Week

A matter of importance

The Pope was quite early for his flight, so on the way to the airport, he asked his driver if he could switch seats with him and drive the car around for a while because they had time to kill and he hadn’t driven a car since becoming the Pope.

Naturally, he was a bit rusty. So, he’s driving poorly, and suddenly he sees police lights behind him. The Pope pulls over, and when the officer comes up to the window, his eyes go wide. He says to the Pope, “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?”

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the Pope’s his driver.”

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Mind your manners

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me—you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.” And so she bought it.

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word, so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She then took it out again and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot was shivering and looked a little shaken. “Yes, I learned my lesson,” he squawked, “but, what did that poor chicken do?”

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Easter egg jokes

• What did one Easter egg say to the other? Heard any good yolks today?

• What do you call an Easter egg from outer space? An egg-straterrestrial!

• Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up!

• What do you call a very tired Easter egg? Eggs-austed.

• What’s an Easter egg’s least favorite day? Fry-day.

• What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolk-er.

• What happens if you tell a joke to an Easter egg? It cracks up.

• What did the Easter egg ask for at the hair salon? A new dye-job.

• Did you hear the one about the house infested with Easter eggs? It needed an eggs-terminator!

• Why was the little girl sad after the Easter egg hunt? Because an egg beater!

• Why did the Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken.

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Even more spring jokes

Q: What’s the best day of the year to monkey around with your friends?
A: Ape-ril Fool’s Day.

Q: Does February like March?
A: No, but April May

Q: What do you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks in April?
A: FOUL spring weather.

Q: What type of bird should you never take to the bank?
A: A robin.

Q: What’s Irish and comes out in Spring?
A: Paddy O’Furniture

Q: Name a bow that can’t be tied.
A: A rainbow

Q: What did the summer say to the spring?
A: Help! I’m going to fall!

Q: Do you know all about April 1st?
A: Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!

Q: What kind of garden does a baker have?
A: A “flour” garden.

Q: What’s a baby chick’s favorite plant?
A: EGG-plants!

Q: Which crime-fighter likes spring the most?
A: Robin

Q: Which month can’t make a decision?
A: MAYbe.

Q: Why are oak trees so forgiving?
A: Every Spring they “turn over a new leaf”.

Q: Why did the gardener plant a seed in the pond?
A: To grow a water-melon.

Q: Why did the worm cross the ruler?
A: To become an inch worm

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More spring jokes

Q: What did the mother worm say to the little worm who was late?
A: Where in earth have you been?”

Q: When is it impossible to plant flowers?
A: When you haven’t botany.

Q: What did the seed say to the flower?
A: OK, Bloomer.

Q: Why did the farmer bury all his money?
A: To make his soil rich!

Q: What did the summer say to the spring?
A: Help! I’m going to fall.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.

Q: What did the tree say to spring?
A: What a re-leaf.

Q: Why did one bee tease the other bee?
A: Because he was acting like a bay-bee!

Q: Why couldn’t the flower ride its bike?
A: It lost its petals.

Q: What did the big flower say to the little one?
A: You’re really growing, bud!

Q: How does a bee brush its hair?
A: With its honeycomb.

Q: Why are maple trees so forgiving?
A: Every Fall they “Let It Go”

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: Umbrellas!

Q: Why did the bird go to the hospital?
A: It needed tweetment!

Q: What is the best flower for a boy to give his mom?
A: Son-flower!

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily!

Q: What month of the year is the shortest?
A: May – it only has 3 letters.

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The old twist-a-roo

One day an old man took his friend for a ride on his motorcycle. His friend said, “It’s freezing back here.”
The old man told him to turn his coat around so the wind wouldn’t blow through the opening. His friend did and seemed to be fine. 

After awhile, the old man noticed his friend had fallen off. So he went back to look for him and saw a group of people in the road, with his friend lying on the ground in the middle of them. 

“Is he all right?” asked the old man.

“He seemed to be doing fine,” said one person, “until we turned his head back around.”

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Snowman jokes

What cereals do snowmen like for breakfast?

Ice Krispies and Frosty Flakes!

What do you call an old snowman?

A puddle!

What happened when the snowman got angry?

He had a meltdown!

What’s a snowman’s favorite food?

Chili!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

How do you threaten a snowman?

With a hairdryer!

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks!

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Valentine’s Day riddles

Q: What do you write in a slug’s Valentine’s Day card?

A: Be my Valen-slime!

Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?

A: I’m stuck on you!

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?

A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why did the sheriff lock up his valentine?

A: She stole his heart.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?

A: Tweethearts!

Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What did one oar tell the other oar?

A: This is so row-mantic!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb?

A: You light up my world.

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Pirate talk

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bar tender asks, “Hey, what’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says, “Arrrgh, I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

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Vacuum sales

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man.  “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady.  “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.  “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.  “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

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