1. Why did the tree worry that he would never get his leaves back after autumn?
He didn’t be-leaf in himself!

2. Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated.

3. What month does every tree dread?
Sept-timberrrrrrr!

4. What did the leaf say to autumn?
I’m falling for you!

5. What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

6. What type of vehicle should you use for a fall hayride?
An autumn-mobile!

7. Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field

8. Why did the lions move at the end of summer?
Because the pride goeth before the fall!

9. Why are trees so carefree and easy going?
Because every fall, they let loose

10. Did you hear about the tree who deserted the forest at the end of fall?
He was absent without leaves!

11. What did one autumn leaf say to another?
I’m falling for you.

12. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.

Why do teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?

“Put it on my bill.”

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

What kind of shoes does a spy wear?

Sneakers.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?
A: The Crossing Gourd.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: I’m tall when I’m young, I’m short when I’m old, and every Halloween I light up Jack-o-lanterns. What am I?
A: A candle.

Q: If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season?
A: Fall.

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.

Q: What happened when the turkey got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Q: Who lives in the scary Hundred Acre Wood?
A: Winnie the Boo.

Q: What did one leaf say to another?
A: I’m falling for you.

Q: Why are all Superman costumes tight?
A: They’re all size S.

Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.

Q: Why is Dracula so easy to fool?
A: Because he’s a sucker.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph, but the police car is faster. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

A doctor was addressing a large audience in the local Grange Hall on health and nutrition.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Preservatives, chemicals, pesticides, fillers—they all can be found in modern food and cause inflammation and other problems in our guts. But there is one food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after we eat it. Can anyone tell me what it is?”

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front raised his hand and softly said, “Wedding cake.”

An old man and his wife decided to have dinner in the local fast food restaurant. The old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. You could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for them to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and wiped his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

“Oh!” She said with a laugh and flashed him a toothless grin. “I’m waiting for the teeth!”

A reader who asked not to be named, shared this true but funny story with us:

Around our 20th wedding anniversary my husband and I were having dinner at my parent’s house. The conversation was not about our anniversary, nor anything in particular. We were all quietly enjoying the meal when my husband looked across the table at my Mother and matter-of-factly said, “You had her for 20 years, I had her for 20 years, now it’s your turn again.”

I thought my father was going to choke on the bite of food he just put in his mouth, while trying to stifle a laugh. 

At the time, I did not think it was funny, but it didn’t take long for me to see the humor in it. Anyway, he did not get rid of me and they did not take me back and we have been married 50 years.

Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” but he eats it.

The next day he opens his lunch box and grumbles, “Peanut butter again!” and slams the lid shut.

This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” 

Joe sighs. “Oh, I’m not married. I make my own lunch.”

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” 

Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. 

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” 

Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”