1. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

7. Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

8. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

9. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

10. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

11. Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

12. Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

13. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

14. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

15. How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

16. Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

17. I tried to catch fog yesterday…

Mist.

18. The first rule of Alzheimer’s club…

Is don’t talk about chess club.

19. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

20. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.