Computer vs. columnist: Columnist wins

Last week’s column was a first draft. Sorry about that. My new Macintosh laptop sent it off to the paper without asking me. I’ve disciplined the Mac. We hope it now knows who’s boss.

Following is the intended column, a week late. Not a lot is different. However, if you compare last week’s with this, you’ll see I refined thoughts, ditched one long joke but kept others, and stole a few short ones from other people.

Focus, folks!

It appears that our upcoming election results may hinge on the candidates’ views on marriage.

Our nation faces a variety of other issues that seem more critical. How about Syria, North Korea, immigration, climate change, economic distress, and what to do about the banking industry that seems to have gone off the tracks? (JPMorgan Chase’s recent $2 billion gambling loss [revealed this week, $3 billion!] will trickle down, so let’s find out how our politicians stand on better regulation.)

Personal opinions aside, the marriage issue affects only a few. The major problems may affect every one of us.

And speaking of that

Every few days Mitt Romney and Barack Obama accuse and criticize what the other has said or meant. They’re beginning to sound like they’re married to each other.

Political joke

A busload of politicians was traveling down a country road when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate, after which he dug a hole and buried the passengers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, noticed the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he’d buried them.

“Lordy,” said the sheriff. “They ALL got killed?”

“Well,” said the old farmer, “some of them said they didn’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Another political joke

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ’n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big gator, “what you been eatin’?”

“Politicians, same as you,” said the small gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”

“Down t’other side of the swamp, near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ’em on the leg, shake the manure out of ’em, and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the manure out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but the hind quarters and a briefcase.”

Light bulb joke

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

Last words

Christopher Columbus was the first-ever successful politician on the planet. He didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did all of it on borrowed money.