Don’t drill, baby!

All of a sudden, off-shore drilling for oil doesn’t seem to be such a good idea. The Louisiana disaster gave us a taste of consequences. (Even a taste is too much. I never tasted crude oil-contaminated shrimp and oysters but I already know I don’t like them.)

Heaven No. 1

A pastor walks into a bar, intent on persuading the guys inside to become better people. Walking up to the first man he meets, he says, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“Yes, Pastor, I do,” the man replies.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” says the pastor.

Turning to a second man, the pastor asks, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“Certainly,” says the man.

“Then stand over there against the wall.” Turning to a third man, the pastor says again, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

“No, Pastor, I don’t.”

This answer takes the pastor by surprise. “I don’t believe this,” he says. “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”

“Oh, when I die,” says the third man. “Well, yes, of course. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Heaven No. 2

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent him to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is certainly bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I’d better get a second opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, to give a little encouragement to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one, either.

Speaking of that I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Not heaven material

As a female shopper exited a Detroit convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher, put him in the car, and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

Last words re: crime

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.