web analytics

Tag Archive | "Roger"

Main Street


Roger on Main StreetGood news, bad news

Uprisings in the Middle East have driven almost everything else off the screen. Egyptians were over the moon when they got rid of Hosni Mubarak as their leader. He had led them into poverty and hopelessness. Mubarak’s gone, and that’s good news. Now, however, the power and money are up for grabs. Dozens of factions, some of them bad news crooks, are bound to try to control the Egyptian government.

We can expect much of the same in Libya if protesters drive out the despotic and weird Muammar Gaddafi. (Weird? He’s afraid to fly over water, feels safe only on the ground floor, and kept his blonde Ukrainian nurse close by until she recently abandoned Libya for the Ukraine.) Gaddafi has left no government in place, just his own will. What happens next could be good news or bad news for the Libyan people. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile, in Madison…

The battle goes on. Unions versus the deficit? It seems pretty clear that more than Wisconsin’s deficit motivates Governor Walker. Denying collective bargaining to unions will weaken them. Members of labor unions tend to vote for Democrats. I’m old-fashioned, I guess, but here’s what I think: A governor’s job is to administer affairs to benefit the citizens, not to provide votes for his or her own political party.

Sad day

A woman awakens during the night and her husband isn’t in their bed. She goes downstairs. He’s sitting at the kitchen table, just staring at the wall, with a cup of coffee in front of him. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she asks.

The husband looks at her sadly. “Do you remember years ago when you were 16 and we were dating?”

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words weren’t coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, taking the chair beside him and covering his hand with hers.

“Do you remember,”continued the husband, “when your dad shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I’ll send you to jail for twenty years?’”
“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

The husband wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”

Miscellaneous

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. (Groucho Marx)

Did I ever tell you about the student who began his Middle Ages story with: “He was a dark and stormy knight…”?

In a survey several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Which reminds me – you realize, don’t you, that half the people you’ll ever meet in your life are below average?

Posted in Roger on Main St.Comments Off

Main Street


Roger on Main StreetUpgrade

Recently I had the pleasure of an hour spent in the hope of finding my replacement when I retire from writing this column. The process involved a lot of give and take about ideas for the column and how I come up with them.
It’s not an easy job finding someone who can spread a little humor in the world. Checking out writers is serious business, even though the writing topic may not be especially serious. I may have some prospects.
I’m referring to the 30 kids in Conrad Klima’s fourth grade class at Roguewood Elementary. Mr. Klima is teaching them about writing. I talked to all of them. It would please me if one of them had his or her name at the top of this column someday. It may take a few years, but “be prepared” is a good plan for all of us.

Amazing #1

It’s wonderful to actually see improvement in the human condition, even though the quality of life varies by geography.  In developed countries, at least, our world has escaped from the hard, slow, messy dependence on literal horsepower. I’m old enough to remember the remnants of it. (Watch where you step!) As we move to electric cars powered by renewable sources, it seems amazing that all this happened in just about one century.

Amazing #2

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on an island. After a month of barely surviving on coconuts, the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.
“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded around on the other side of the island.”
“Where did you get the rowboat?”
“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.
“But you had no tools!”
“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been thinking about while you’ve been alone?”
“Do you mean…” he whispers, “…
I can check my e-mail from here?!”

Not a blonde joke

Michelle, a regular contributor, sends this one:
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish joke…”
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice, “Before you go telling that joke, you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish, and so are most of my customers.”
“Okay,” says the customer, “I’ll tell it very slowly.”

Posted in Roger on Main St.Comments Off

Main Street


Roger on Main StreetGratitude

A post office employee had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came through addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
“Dear God, I am an 87-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. I invited two friends over for dinner next week. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna.”
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to the other workers. Each dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96. They put the money into an envelope and sent it to the woman. All the rest of the day the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she’d be able to share with her friends.
The following week, another letter arrived at the post office from the same old lady, addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
“Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told them of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those guys at the post office.”

Cold out there

A friend in North Dakota near the Canadian border says their snow is about waist-deep and still falling. The temperature has dropped to zero and the north wind is close to gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window andstare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

Cold down there

Q: What sits on the bottom of the Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

This week’s blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car.
Eventually she was pulled over by a female police officer, also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse, getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse and looked at it. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror and then handed it back.
“Okay,” she said. “You can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Last words

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Posted in Roger on Main St.Comments Off

Roger on Main St.


Roger on Main Street

Forever War

Have you noticed that our wars just seem to go on and on? So have I, so I looked it up.
Since 1675, we have been in 26 wars. Several early ones were against Indians while we were still colonies. Then came the Revolutionary War against the British. Then, more war against the Barbary Pirates. We had the War of 1812, Texas’s fight for independence from Mexico, and the Civil War. We returned to battle in the Spanish American War. (My great uncle fought in that one.)
In 1918 we entered World War I and fought Germany. That was a particularly nasty one, but we were on the winning team.
In World War II we went up against the Germans, Italians, and Japanese. Dec. 7, 1941: the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. I’m old enough to remember the day. It was a Sunday, I recall, and our family was stunned with the news. The whole country was stunned. It took about four years but, again, our team won.
Korea split into North and South, and America went to war to support the South. Fresh out of high school, I was there. With the U.S. Army. We still have troops there.
We lost in Vietnam and the Bay of Pigs. We managed to win in Granada and Panama. Then – remember Bosnia?
Afghanistan and Iraq are still in progress.
Will it ever end? There must be a better solution to conflict than blowing up cities, resources, and human beings.

The good season

In the really old days, what we call Christmas was a celebration of the winter solstice (the sun is coming back, the sun is coming back!). The birth of Christ gave us a focus for renewal; the time of year was retained.
Eventually, of course, Santa came down the chimney and Hallmark took over. There’s something for everyone in this joyous celebration of the good things of life. Have a wonderful holiday, everyone. And peace on earth.

Gas

Sister Mary Ann, who served at a home health agency, was out making rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, a station was just a block away. She walked down the road to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The only gas can the station owned had been loaned out. The attendant said she could wait until it was returned, but Sister was headed to a patient’s house. She decided not to wait.
Back at the car, she looked for some kind of container and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

More on War

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

Posted in Roger on Main St.Comments Off

advert

LOCAL Advertisers

The POST
Bryne Electrical

Get the Cedar Springs Post in your mailbox for only $35.00 a year!