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Tag Archive | "Joke of the week"

Joke of the Week


Marriage wakeup coffee

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

David nodded. “I know. It’s great.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged. Barb remarked again on David’s loving parents and how nice it was for his dad to serve his mom coffee in bed each morning. “Hopefully the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” she said, and winked.

David smiled. “You won’t be disappointed,” he said. “It runs in the family.”

The couple was soon married, and upon waking on that first morning as David’s wife, Barb woke up expecting to smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Instead, her husband was snoring loudly beside her. 

She shook him awake. “How about that coffee?”

“Two creams, one sugar,” he mumbled.

“No, I mean, why aren’t you getting me coffee?” asked Barb. “I thought you said it runs in the family.” 

“It does,” replied a groggy David. “And I take after my mom.”


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A Grizzly conversion


A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it.

Later they got together. The priest began with his story: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” said the rabbi, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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A bird named Moses


A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag. Again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Who are you?” the burglar asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

The man laughs. “Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” 

“I dunno,” answered Moses, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

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Taxi Grad


A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, “How are you on this lovely day?”

“I’m the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.”

The driver looks back and shakes the young man’s hand and says, “Congratulations, I’m Mitch Class of 1969.”

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The Secret to a Long Life


A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Difference between the sexes


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he replied.

“Oh, have you killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males and two females,” he answered.

Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

 The husband grinned. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

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Country refreshment


A man was on a long walk in the country. It got chilly as evening fell, and so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something hot to drink. 

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. 

The housewife shook her head. “Ah, he’s not that friendly,” she said with a chuckle. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”

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Easter jokes for kids


Q. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?

A. With a hare-dryer!

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

A. Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

Q. What did the rabbit say to the carrot?

A. It’s been nice gnawing you!

Q. How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?

A. He said it was eggs-cellent!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny travel?

A. By hare-plane!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

A. Eggs-ercise and hare-robics!

Q. Why did the Easter egg hide?

A. He was a little chicken!

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Trucker lingo


A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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Losing the shirt off your back


Losing the shirt off your back

A woman who played cards one night each month with a group of friends was concerned because she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. 

One night after cards, she did her best not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.

“Good grief woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

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Doily Box


As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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Hard of hearing


An elderly man noticed that his wife seemed to be losing her hearing, so he thought he would test it. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, sweetheart?” There was no reply. She just kept reading her book.

So this time he moved to 10 feet behind her and asked again if she could hear him. Still no reply.

He then moved a bit closer, to only 5 feet behind her and asked again. But she still didn’t answer.

This team he leaned over just few inches from her ear and asked, “Can you hear me now, honey?”

His wife slammed the book shut and sighed in frustration. “For the fourth time, yes, I can hear you!”

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