A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was silence at the other end of the phone.
“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.
“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked NO REFILLS.”

This guy had an awful day ice fishing on the lake, sitting in the freezing cold all day, without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the guy behind the meat case, “Hey Joe, pick out four large catfish and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” he asked.
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay,” said Joe, “but I suggest that you “catch” the orange roughy.”
“Why?” asked the guy, with a puzzled look on his face.
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to “catch” orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”