A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

A 67-year-old woman went to the doctor’s office and her doctor if he would give her birth control pills. “Birth control pills!” said the doctor with a laugh, “I don’t think you need to worry about birth control at your age.”

“Oh, but they help me sleep better,” explained the woman.

“How on earth do birth control pills help you sleep better?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” she explained, “I put one in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep so much better.”

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.”

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since she sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. They have a wonderful time.

As they say goodnight, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. He readily agrees.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Septic truck sign

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
The little boy had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t much easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
“Oh!” he remarked, with a toothless grin. “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots!”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” stated the little girl.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….
•    It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
•    Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
•    Wearing white is always appropriate.
•    Winter is the best of the four seasons.
•    It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
•    There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
•    We’re all made up of mostly water.
•    You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
•    Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
•    Avoid yellow snow.
•    Don’t get too much sun.
•    It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
•    It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
•    Always put your best foot forward.
•    There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

A doctor buys a brand new Ferrari GTO that costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear window and wonders what it could be and then…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He was feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”