web analytics

Tag Archive | "joke"

Exercise Program


Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.

Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.

Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire.

Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.

Saturday: Pick up the pieces.

 

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Doing the right thing


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

 

 

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

A good night’s sleep


A 67-year-old woman went to the doctor’s office and her doctor if he would give her birth control pills. “Birth control pills!” said the doctor with a laugh, “I don’t think you need to worry about birth control at your age.”

“Oh, but they help me sleep better,” explained the woman.

“How on earth do birth control pills help you sleep better?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” she explained, “I put one in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep so much better.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Doily Box


As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

 

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

St. Patrick’s Day joke


An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.”

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

What you see is what you get


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since she sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. They have a wonderful time.

As they say goodnight, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. He readily agrees.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

 

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Septic truck sign


Septic truck sign

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Boot Lesson


A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
The little boy had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t much easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
“Oh!” he remarked, with a toothless grin. “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots!”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Jonah and the whale


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” stated the little girl.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

Learned from a snowman


All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….
•    It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
•    Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
•    Wearing white is always appropriate.
•    Winter is the best of the four seasons.
•    It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
•    There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
•    We’re all made up of mostly water.
•    You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
•    Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
•    Avoid yellow snow.
•    Don’t get too much sun.
•    It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
•    It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
•    Always put your best foot forward.
•    There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off

advert

LOCAL Advertisers

The POST
Kent Theatre
Bryne Electrical

Get the Cedar Springs Post in your mailbox for only $35.00 a year!