Residents asked to name resort in new contest
By Judy Reed

What do you think of when you want a vacation away from home?
Palm trees? Check.
Huts with thatched roofs? Check.
Drinks with cute little umbrellas? Check.
Sparkling blue water? Check.
Sunny skies and sandy beaches? Double check?
Erupting volcanoes? Well maybe not that. At least not erupting, anyway.
But there will be all the rest of it and more in the new beachfront resort to be built here, right in your own backyard!
Yes, you heard right. Developers have been planning this little getaway paradise for some time and are now ready to reveal what residents can expect from this new venture.
“Money! That’s what residents can expect—a large influx of cash to Cedar Springs businesses,” explained Doan B. Levitt, president, of BeachResorts R Us. “This resort will attract not only people from the state of Michigan, but from all over the Midwest.”
According to Levitt, the resort will be built on the west side of the White Pine Trail, at the end of Second Street. It’s a great location that offers access to the Heart of Cedar Springs Park, the Cedar Springs Brewing Company, and many other shops and restaurants along Main Street.
The resort will utilize the fresh spring water to create a beautiful lake (complete with wildlife), surrounded by a sandy beach, lawn chairs, your own private hut with hammocks, a bar, and a five-star restaurant featuring fish caught fresh from Cedar Creek. A ring of man-made mountains, including a volcano, will encircle the resort to give the guests some privacy to help them feel cozy in their home away from home.
“The volcano isn’t real but will rumble from time to time help it feel more authentic,” said Levitt. “We even have some fake lava planned to shoot out once in awhile. We haven’t gotten it to work right in simulations (it melted one of the huts), so we’ve asked some middle school students to help us figure out what we’re doing wrong and to make us the best volcano ever.”
What about entertainment? Nightly luaus and pirate raids (led by city officials and business owners dressed as pirates) will offer some entertainment for guests.
But what about sunny days? How can they guarantee that?
Levitt said that the entire resort will be covered by an invisible dome that will generate its own sun, blue skies, and keep the temperature at a balmy 85 degrees.
“It’s a win-win for everyone,” remarked Levitt. “I know it might seem like the we’ve jumped the shark a little bit here, but we haven’t. And we wouldn’t. That great white you’ll see swimming in the lake is not something to be messed with. He can be friendly, but when he’s hungry, all bets are off.”
One thing the beachfront resort is lacking, however, is a name. What do you think would be a good name for the new resort? They are having a contest to decide, and the person whose winning entry is chosen will win a one-week stay at the resort and be King or Queen of the luau while there. Hopefully they won’t be asked to walk the plank!
If you’d like to enter a name for the resort, just call 1-800-April-fools!