Let’s see . . .

I think I have this right: The drug companies gave money to help our elected representatives get reelected. In gratitude, Congress voted to keep the government from bargaining with the drug companies over drug prices.

That worked, so they gave our elected representatives more money to keep things the same.

Then, insurance companies gave our elected representatives money to help with their reelections. In gratitude, Congress rejected “the public option,” which would have meant competition (and lower income) for the insurance companies.

Drug companies and insurance companies got their profits; Congress people got re-elected. It’s a win-win situation—except for us.

Out of reach

In 1938 the first issue of Action Comics, featuring Superman, was published. I was 10 years old and my allowance was 5¢ a week. The comic cost 10¢ and I never had two nickels to rub together. I sat on the floor in front of the magazine rack, reading for free until the shopkeeper chased me out.

Last week, one copy of that original comic was offered at auction. It went for one million dollars. It’s been 72 years and I still can’t afford it!

Saw this coming?

This blonde guy is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop. The dealer says, “Why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model? This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and getting only two cords, he decides to quit. “How can I cut for hours and only have two cords?”

The next morning, the man gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still he manages to cut only five cords. “The dealer told me I’d be able to cut one hundred cords of wood in a day. I’ll take this saw back,” the man says to himself.

The next day he brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. “Hmm,” says the dealer, “it looks fine.” Then he starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”

Criminal element
The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
The thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Last words
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Sweeping the world

The Internet is sweeping the world, surrounding us, enveloping us, enlightening us. Although it has existed only a few years, it has infiltrated our lives. We look at it for news, weather, food; we buy and sell on it, date on it, send our letters on it.
Want siding, plumbing, gifts, books, a wife? You can become hopelessly in debt without leaving your keyboard.
The 20th century brought us electricity, cars, radio, television, and computers. Technology continues to sweep along and mankind follows, holding our cell phones.

Military time

The troops were home from WWII and a crusty Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be very serious. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady glanced at his awards and decorations and said, “Looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
“You know,” said the young lady, “you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you enjoyed female company?”
“About 1940, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to relax and enjoy life a little.” At that, the Marine seemed to thaw out. He grabbed the girl and kissed her.
“Good heavens,” she said, “you sure didn’t forget much since 1940.”
The Sergeant Major replied in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not, ma’am. It’s only 2130 now.”

Kids on marriage

Alan, age 10: When you get married, you got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Camille, age 9: Twenty-three is the best age to get married because you’ve known the person FOREVER by then.
Ricky, age 10: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Kelvin, age 8: If people didn’t get married, there sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

Bad memory

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was … surrounded by trees and bushes.

Pandering
Grief reigns at the National Zoo. Tai Shah, the cute panda born there almost five years ago, has been repossessed by China. Only about a dozen giant pandas live in U.S. zoos but China has a bunch of them. Did anyone think of offering to swap the Chinese government a couple of buffalos?
Buried
In these parts we plow ahead during giant snowstorms, but Washington just shut down. Government workers did nothing all week. (Will we be able to tell the difference?) Congressmen kept busy raising money for re-election, so they may not have realized that nothing was happening.
Big fuss
The Anglican Church of England is in a furor. Some members want the church to appoint a female as a bishop. It’s never been done before. The arguments go back and forth. The main argument of those opposed is that Jesus didn’t have any woman disciples. Who the heck do they think prepared that Last Supper?!
Fixing it
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like mission control. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was leaving, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of an I D ten T error?” asked Richard.
“Nope,” I said.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote it down: ID10T
Ocean View Restaurant
A group of 40-year-old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the young waitresses there wore low-cut blouses.
Ten years later, when they were 50, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was better than most places and the wine selection was extensive.
Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the building was wheelchair accessible and even had an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

A tip of the hat

This one to the chief of police in Rockford. An out-of-town visitor left a car parked on a city street overnight, a no-no in the wintertime. The police officer left a warning instead of a ticket, reminding that the street needed to be clear.

No snow was predicted (although around here we never know about the weather). My compliments to the chief for the reasonable approach.
I realize that the warning notice isn’t a Get Out of Jail Free card. If your car blocks the plows, you will surely get a ticket. In Cedar Springs, the City Council insists on enforcement, so watch out!

Disagree

Last month a national magazine (The Nation) printed a piece calling for a federal subsidy for U.S. newspapers. The article posed a lot of good reasons for this. In my opinion, it’s easy to ask the government, but if we want the news we should be ready to pay for it ourselves.
At the moment, our advertisers are paying the freight for our publication – but for 100 years your paper was a subscription paper, supported by those who wanted the news.  Free, including free delivery, is nice, but we could go back to charging those who want local news. A subscription, which pays to get the paper to your mailbox, is really pretty cheap ($25 a year) and we cover the good news as well as the bad. On these pages you find information about accidents, crime, and death, but we also report births, Honor Rolls, and community events.

Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, the student nurse found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need any help leaving the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,” he answered. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Oops

Henry, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Henry walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days after that, the doctor saw Henry again and remarked, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Henry replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mama and be cheerful.’”

“No,” said the doctor. “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”

Testimonial

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. In fact, it’s perfect.”

“Really!” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve-thirty…”

Phil’s okay!

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) had concerns that the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Punxsutawney, Penn., was stressful for Punxsutawney Phil, the centerpiece ground hog. They wanted to replace him with some kind of robot.

Well, I know Phil. I visited him at his home in the library window in downtown Punxsutawney. He sends word that he enjoys the visits of local townspeople who drop by, and he’s flattered by the attention on Groundhog Day. He loves his job.

It’s nice that PETA is concerned about the welfare of animals, but Phil lives better than any other groundhog in his family. He was happy to celebrate his day as usual this week.

Not likely

A man goes out golfing. He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to a tree. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! Nine iron.” The man looks at the frog and decides to prove it wrong. He puts his own choice of club away, and grabs the nine iron.

Boom! The ball lands 10 inches from the cup. The man is shocked. “Wow, that’s amazing,” he says to the frog. “You must be a lucky frog!” The frog replies, “Ribbit! Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think, Frog?” asks the man.

“Ribbit! Three wood.” The guy takes out his three wood and, wham! Hole in one. The man hardly knows what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, “Okay, where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit! Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Okay, Frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit! Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit! $3,000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! A pile of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! Kiss me.” The man figures why not. After everything the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

“And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”

The keyboard solution

Wouldn’t it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press “Ctr Alt Delete” and start all over?

0 for 2

Democrats struck out last week. Another nay-saying Republican to replace Ted Kennedy isn’t what they wanted. Sixty Senators can vote to allow debate; Fifty-nine isn’t enough. Now 41 Senate Republicans can say “NO” to everything and make it stick. So much for the people of this nation who want healthcare reform and better international relations.

The Supreme Court, in another 5 to 4 decision, capped off the week by allowing corporations to pour unlimited money into election campaigns. Experts all along the political spectrum say we’ll see the down side to this. The only winners (besides the already mega-rich corporation executives) will be the political advertising industry.

Good news

So far the President has not been blamed for the earthquake in Haiti.

Gene pool rejects
Continued from last week*:

No. 1: A man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Mich., at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because, he said, he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The would-be robber, frustrated, walked away.

No. 2:

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?]

Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. They related all the regular type of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized that Vernon hadn’t yet participated.

“Vernon, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Rhonda. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break. And then her parachute plunked her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your father draw from this terrible story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Rhonda when she’s been drinking.”

*Ed. Note: While humorous, neither these nor the ones printed last week have been verified as actual events.



Payback

Wall Street screwed up and we had (have?) a recession. Now it looks like things in the financial industry are getting better. The President wants the banks that we the people bailed out of trouble to pay back the money. If taxpayers are the insurance company of last resort, it’s only right that the banks pay the premium on that insurance.
We won’t soon forget those multi-million dollar bonuses paid out by the banks we kept out of bankruptcy. Seems like managers that lead their companies into near-bankruptcy should be fired, not rewarded. If those guys deserve a bonus because of all the profits they’ve made, where are the profits?
Right here in town we have managers that made do during the business slowdown crunch with lots less income than the big banks. Give them a few $billion of business and I’ll bet they wouldn’t need to be bailed out.

Darwin Awards!

A Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek honor named after Charles Darwin, given to people who “do a service to humanity by removing themselves from the gene pool.” According to Wendy Northcutt, author of the Darwin Award books, the awardees must accomplish that in a “sublimely idiotic fashion.”  Northcutt’s Darwin Awards web site tries to verify all stories it receives about the least evolved among us. But if they are fiction, I don’t mind. It’s the laugh that counts.
For example: “When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.”
Here’s one I like, although it doesn’t involve total self-destruction:
“The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine. He also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.”
And here’s one that displays both idiocy and ingenuity. I don’t think it qualifies for a Darwin Award:
“After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.”

Closing thoughts

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. On the other hand, I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Batting average

Last week I received a complimentary letter from Jean Caldwell. In addition, I got a phone call from someone else complaining about my views on providing health care. That’s a batting average of .500. Not bad, wouldn’t you say?

Profile me!

Airport security people don’t dare profile travelers because they might overlook the “non-obvious.” But obviousness is on a sliding scale. Some travelers are more possibly terrorists than others. Personally, to the most casual of observers, I must be very low on the scale of possibility. I wish they’d profile me as “harmless” so I wouldn’t have to take off my shoes in airports. (And I still regret their confiscation of the little penknife I’d had for decades.)

When it comes to the new x-ray screening, I realize most people are not attractive naked. I’d hate to be the guy who had to look at them all day. But doesn’t it all come down to, “I don’t want my plane to blow up when I’m on it”?  Nobody likes the inconvenience of the screening, but I’m glad they’re doing it.

Blank check

One Christmas, a busy mom decreed that she’d no longer remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year, however, things were different.

“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandma told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in their behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” said the grandma. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

Kids

“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

Traffic cop comebacks

#1. “I’m glad to hear that the chief of police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

#2 “The answer to this question will determine whether you’re drunk or not:  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#3. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#4. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

AND THE WINNER IS…

#5. “You didn’t think we give tickets to pretty women? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Joyous bells

Here it is a new year, and for a week the news media has bombarded us with reminders of the disastrous events of the past decade. Yes, there were some bad times, but let’s look on the bright side.
The economy seems to be recovering and we won’t have Great Depression II. It wasn’t as bad as 1929.
We will have some kind of national health care plan in place. It will help a lot of people and it’s improvable even if it’s not perfect now.
Medicine has made great strides in the past 100 years and the past 10 have seen enormous strides in medical technology. More is known about AIDS, and researchers have hopes of beating it. Chemotherapy has had major advances, with more cancer survivors to show for it. Of the new medications advertised on TV, some must be good.
Global warming (not noticeable locally this week) has come to the world’s attention. Steps to combat it have been taken in the past decade.
Nobody attacked anybody with a nuclear bomb for the whole 10 years. (I’m cheered up already.)
Last but not least: The Enron bad guys and Bernie Madoff were thrown in jail for cheating people.

First joke of 2010

A couple go out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly. She briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she says to her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. When he reaches for it, the lid rises. He sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down again.
Perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what’s happening, and asks for an explanation.
“Please, sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
“Chicken Surprise,” says the husband.
“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter. “I bring you Peeking Duck!”
Useful information for 2010
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Red meat isn’t bad for you; fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Happy New Year!

Observance of the New Year is the granddaddy of all holidays. The people in ancient Babylon celebrated it 4,000 years ago. The Babylonian New Year began with the first new moon (actually the first visible crescent) after the vernal equinox (first day of spring).

The Babylonian New Year holiday lasted for 11 days, each day with its particular mode of celebration. Modern New Year’s Eve festivities pale in comparison.

The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of blossoming, and of planting new crops. January, on the other hand, has no astronomical or agricultural significance. Placing the New Year’s beginning in that month is purely arbitrary.

There may be an explanation. After the fullness of summer and the richness of fall, the sun fades away. It must have been scary. Then, around January, the sun slowly begins to come back. Surely a time for celebration!

Food for thought in 2010

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there’s not enough money?

Do prison doctors use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why didn’t he fix the hole in the boat?

Grandkid wisdom

The grandson asked his granddad how old he was. He teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”  “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” advised the child. “Mine says I’m four to six.”
Somebody asked the boy where his grandmother lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport. When we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done with her, we take her back to the airport.”

Grownup wisdom

- The statistics on sanity tells us that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
- Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
- When you work here at the paper, you can name your own salary. I named mine, “Fred.”

Last joke of 2009

An old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. While dismantling on the 49th floor, two workers discovered a skeleton, fully clothed and standing upright, in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. The police took the skeleton away.

After a couple of days the workers decided they had to know who they’d found. They called the police again. “We’re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet. We want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody else important.”

“Well,” said the police sergeant, “it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important. It was the 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Follow your dreams!

Except that one where you’re naked in church.