Our species

Although America has a massive war machine, there isn’t enough money for us to solve all the world’s problems. And even unlimited money couldn’t buy enough troops.

After ten-plus years in Afghanistan and Iraq, we have not bought the kind of peace or stability for those countries that we claimed we intended. In some ways they’re worse off (and WE are worse off) because of the destruction and side effects of those wars. In Afghanistan, the recent murderous conflict over the Koran-burning is sickening.

It is disturbing to hear some of the candidates for president talk about starting a war with Iran. One of them, however, Ron Paul, seemed to detect something amiss when he said, “I’m afraid what’s going on right now is similar to the war propaganda that went on against Iraq.” (The Pentagon and the CIA, by the way, do not see Iran as the kind of threat that justifies war.)

What’s wrong with our species that candidates figure going to war is a selling point for election?

Back to the jokes

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed far too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do,” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Another joke

When Smith learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of Human Resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”

The Human Resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter ready the next day. The following morning, Smith found the letter on his desk. It read, “John Smith worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”

Love joke

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment and then, ever the realist, replied, “No, just engrave it, To My One and Only Love. That way, when she gets mad and throws it at me, I can use it again.”

Marriage thoughts

Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.

Marriage brings music to a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.

Good advice: Before criticizing your wife’s faults, remember that it may have been these very defects that kept her from getting a better husband than the one she married.

Last thought

Does the person who inventories sheep usually fall asleep on the job?

Go green!

Peter Skyllberg was dug out of his car a few days ago. The car, in a seldom-traveled location, had become buried in deep snow. That occurred in December. His rescuers and doctors are surprised he’s alive. Apparently, warm clothes, melted snow, and “the hibernation effect” saved him.

This news item is out of Sweden. I mention it only because you may have noticed that WE aren’t having our normal winter. It’s February and that’s grass we see on the lawns. Global warming doesn’t distribute its effects evenly. I can manage, thank you, with our version of winter this year—no hibernation necessary!

Go away!

Are you tired of the deluge of election ads that misquote, fudge the truth, and paint opponents as a danger to America? Hang in there. Once the primaries move on to other states, we’ll get a temporary break from the political carnival.

Speaking of carnivals

A carnival truck and a revival preacher’s truck collide head-on, and everyone gets killed. The next thing anyone knows, Saint Peter is interrogating the revival preacher very thoroughly. Suddenly, the carnival crew arrives at the Pearly Gates, noisy and reeking of beer. Saint Peter waves them all through as he continues questioning the preacher. The Reverend splutters indignantly and asks, “How can you let those filthy, unrighteous hooligans into heaven while you give me the third degree?”

“Take it easy,” Saint Peter says. “They’re only going to be here a week.”

Speaking of computers

Well, we weren’t, but I’m writing this on one. So here’s a computer story.

New customer to Tech Support: It says hit any key, and when I do that nothing happens.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: Tried, but nothing.

Tech Support: What key did you hit?

After a moment and some ching-aling sounds, the customer replies: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

Senior wisdom

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. (Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!)

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Time to retire

Three elderly airline pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second says, “No, it’s Thursday.” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

Last words

The argument you just won with your wife isn’t over yet. “And lastly…”

Our choice: democracy

We are pretty used to our form of government. The current storm of political rhetoric might make us roll our eyes, but, don’t forget, we still get to choose the people in charge. It’s not that way everywhere: Syria, for example.

We may not be entirely happy with our government, but it sure beats some of the others.

Along with our freedom to choose, comes the responsibility to know fact from fiction in that political rhetoric. As Thomas Jefferson said, “An informed citizenry is the only true repository of the public will.”

More on choice

Otis passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Otie would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied the lady. She lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said the widow. “$30,000.”

“No!” said the friend. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

“Well,” said the widow, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church in Otie’s name. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? Good heavens! How big is it?”

“Two and a half carats.”

Fairly good joke

A young man goes to a girl’s house for the first time. She shows him into the living room then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

“Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

“Jeez… oooh… I…,” he stammers, embarrassed.

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Another one

A grocer put up a sign that read, “Eggplants, 25¢ each—3 for a dollar.” All day long customers came in saying, “Shouldn’t I get four for a dollar?”

Meekly the grocer would capitulate and package four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching this and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”

“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”

And another

A mother explained to her young daughter how children are created. She used the expression “carrying a child” alternately with the term “pregnant.”  The little girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a big fire broke out down the street and the girl watched through the window. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out he was pregnant!”

From The Cedar Springs Public Library

Governor Snyder and some legislators are proposing an additional $1.3 billion tax cut for Michigan businesses by eliminating something called the Personal Property Tax (PPT), a tax paid only by businesses. This tax funds local government activities such as police, fire and libraries.   $30 million of this goes to public libraries statewide with 3.8 million collectively to the Lakeland Library Cooperative’s forty-one libraries.

From 2000 to 2011 state aid to public libraries has been reduced by 76 percent from $15 million to $5.4 million. Last year the libraries in the Lakeland Library Cooperative collectively lost $668,066 in the removal of Renaissance Zone exemption funds.

Losing this additional PPT money will result in reductions to library hours, new collection purchases, curtailing library services and, in some instances, libraries will close in the eight-county Lakeland area.

The library community is not opposed to eliminating the PPT, but a full replacement of these funds is necessary to maintain current levels of service. Libraries are urging citizens to contact their legislators to ask for a guaranteed full replacement of the personal property tax if it is repealed.

Groundhog Day revisited

You may have read here recently that Punxatawney Phil got laid off.  Now we’ve discovered the reason: it’s best not to make a big deal about your job dissatisfaction.

Valentine’s Day

Ah, love. We’re always looking for it or trying to improve it, and we feel lost without it. We have only one holiday about it, but it’s a biggie. Giving valentines is one of the great ideas of the western world. I never get cards for Labor Day, President’s Day, or the Fourth of July.

A question of taste

A ranger catches a guy eating a bald eagle. At the man’s trial, the judge asks, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes,” says the man, “but let me explain. I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything to eat for a week. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for fish. I thought if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal a fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish, I killed the eagle. I figured I might as well eat it since it would be worse to let it rot on the ground.”

After considering the man’s answer, the judge says, “Due to the extreme circumstance and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” says the man, “it’s hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California condor and a spotted owl.”

In due course

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he’d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Service was slow. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here…”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the waiter. “I can only serve one table at a time.”

Heads up

A little kid is flipping a coin while taking a true-false test. At the end of the test, he starts flipping the coin again.

“What are you doing?” asks the teacher.

The boy replies, “Checking my answers.”

Pig thoughts

If a pig is sold to the pawnshop, is it then called a ham-hock?

If you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, what can you make with it?

What do pigs say when they consider something that’s close to impossible? Would it be, “Sure, when humans can fly….”?

My opinion

Recently a Supreme Court opinion reversed the conviction of a drug dealer because of how he’d been caught: law officials had planted a GPS on his car. His privacy was violated, said the Court.

Our Constitution has a clause that protects our privacy. The Supreme Court has the duty to observe our Constitution, but I think it has a higher duty. The Constitution was adopted to protect the citizens of these United States. Letting a drug dealer go free on a legal technicality does not seem to protect the public.

Employment department

Just out of high school, Darla applied for her first job. When she returned home her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good, I think,” said Darla, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation until after I’m married.”

Her mother had never heard of such a thing. “Is that what they told you?”

“I saw it right on the application,” replied Darla. “‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your first anniversary.’”

Marriage department

A man and his wife are vacationing in the Middle East. A local approaches the husband and says, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replies, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Sex department

A six-year-old girl asks, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father reckons that if she’s old enough to ask the question then she’s old enough for a straight answer. So he delivers the whole explanation about the birds and the bees. The girl is wide-eyed in disbelief.

“By the way, why do you ask?” says the dad.

The girl replies, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Sex department, cont.

A little boy, returning home from his first day at school, says, “Mom, what’s sex?” His mother believed in modern educational theories, so she gives him a detailed explanation that covers all aspects of the subject.

When she finishes, the boy produces an enrollment form that he’d brought home from school and says, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

Computer department

Stephanie decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Her first move was to access Google and tell her mom it could answer any question she had. Stephanie’s mother was skeptical.

“It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it,” she said, with fingers poised over the keyboard.

Steph’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

Employment department again

Today is Ground Hog Day but we’ll never know about his shadow. Word has it that the ground hog has been laid off. It’s not easy to find work even with experience. Hope to see him next year.

Great new job idea
How about hiring real people to answer business phones?
Most big companies have computers answering their phones. Voice prompts may sound like real people, but we all know they aren’t. And when you push a button you just get a different computer.
Sometimes the computer says, “Our staff is busy with other calls. Please stay on the line and someone will help you soon.” Computers that lie to us should be fired (and real people hired to take their place).
Sometimes the computer at the other end of the phone line refers you to a web site. Web sites are on computers. It’s a vicious circle.
Not only should companies hire real people to answer phones, they should cast them in their TV commercials. I happen to know that the cartoon characters in ads are generated by (you guessed it) computers.
Replacing computers with real people may sound extreme, but, considering the country’s jobs situation, isn’t it worth a try?
Great advice
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
February
If you think the holiday season is over, wait till you see February. First, it’s Black History Month. Then we also get Groundhog Day, Chinese New Year, Super Bowl Sunday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Washington’s Birthday, Valentines Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday. This year February gets an extra day in order to fit everything in.
Fame
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was surprised. “Joshua Hemingway? Was he also a writer?”
“Yes, indeed,” said the guide. “He wrote the check.”
Ferry story
Tom loved living on Staten Island but wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t risk an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees—a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”
“Sure did,” the bystander said, “but you should have waited a minute or two. This ferry is about to dock.”
This week’s lawyer
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Last words
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

by Roger Allen

Good news
• Employment is up.
• Car buying is up.  So are retail sales.
• This recession (or depression), although deeper and more painful, is similar to many business cycles we have experienced. We’ll be out of this one soon.
• More people have become aware that we must have cleaner air and water. The same is true of global warming: it’s real. Most of the world is trying to deal with the reality because it’s our only planet.
• Only 10 months to go and the election will be over!
True Progress
Dave turns to his friend Kevin and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” says Kevin.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” says Dave. “Right now I’m in the middle of phase one.”
“Phase one?” says Kevin.
“Yeah,” replies Dave, “I’ve quit buying.”
True Solutions
Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Since summer started, I’ve been having trouble with bats in the church loft. I’ve tried everything—noise, spray, cats—nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another said, “Me, too. Hundreds are living in my belfry and the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”
True Romance
A husband and wife in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table and announced, “For being such an exemplary married couple, I will grant each of you a wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand, and two tickets for a deluxe cruise on a luxury liner appeared in her hand.
The husband thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic. But an opportunity like this occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than me.”
The wife and the fairy were both deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So once again the fairy moved her magic wand and the husband became 92 years old.
Moral: Men might be ungrateful idiots, but fairies are women.
True life
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a year or so ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
True last words
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. And the good fortune to run into the ones that I do. And the eyesight to tell the difference.

By Lee H. Hamilton

I suspect that most members of Congress will want to forget the year that just ended.
The institution that symbolizes our democracy finished 2011 plumbing depths of unpopularity it has never experienced before. The poor jobs picture, the lurching from one brink-of-disaster deadline to the next, the polarization that keeps the parties from working together, the widespread sense that Congress is so dysfunctional it cannot meet the nation’s challenges—all played a role.
These are valid ways of judging Congress, but they are not the only way. Every year, the Center on Congress at Indiana University polls a group of congressional scholars on how they think the institution is doing, and one of the challenges we face is devising a set of questions that meaningfully probe Congress’s performance. It’s not as easy as you’d think. You have to look deeply at how Congress is operating in order to get a well-rounded picture.
The first of Congress’s responsibilities is to protect its constitutional role as a strong, coequal branch of government. It must stand apart from and serve as a check upon the excesses of presidential power. So how well does it oversee the executive branch, and is it generating meaningful, politically sustainable policy alternatives, or just sitting back and letting the White House take all the political risks?
Its second great role is to represent the American people. This means making sure that all voices get a fair hearing and that diverse viewpoints play a part in crafting initiatives—all while safeguarding institutional practices that allow legislation to move forward in a timely manner.
Third, in a country as politically and demographically varied as ours, sound process, negotiation and compromise are key to crafting legislation that can enjoy broad political support. Are its leaders capable of working hard to forge a consensus? If they can’t, do conflicts over legislation represent substantive differences, or mere political game-playing? Does it balance careful deliberation with making decisions? Does it protect the rights of the minority and allow all points to be heard?
Fourth, does Congress set sufficiently high standards for its individual members? Do they keep partisanship in check and behave ethically?
And finally, do they maintain strong connections to their constituents back home? Do they make themselves accessible in a variety of settings, listen well, and speak out for their communities and constituents at times of need?
All of these questions add up to how well Congress represents the interests of the American people, and as always, it does better on some than on others. Despite its obvious troubles, the picture is not entirely bleak. And I can’t help but believe that the more well-rounded our understanding of where Congress falls short and where it performs well, the better we can hold it to account.
Lee Hamilton is Director of the Center on Congress at Indiana University. He was a member of the U.S. House of Representatives for 34 years.

Seriously looking ahead
Republican infighting can be either entertaining or depressing. However, retired people remain especially aware that the President and the Congress we elect this year will deal with Social Security.
Our Social Security program was enacted about 77 years ago. Few are left to remember how financially grim getting old used to be for most people.
Essentially, the Social Security Act required enforced retirement savings. Most Americans don’t get rich by a lifetime of working and don’t save a lot of money otherwise.
For 2011, Congress cut individual payroll taxes from 6.2% to 4.2% in order to beef up the spending power of working people. The cost of government didn’t get reduced, however; unfortunately, Congress let the Social Security Trust Fund absorb the shortfall.
A great country like ours should not need “poor farms” for the destitute elderly. Let’s hope that when you arrive at age 67, the Social Security Trust Fund will be there. The Congress we elect must have the guts to raise the money to restore the Fund.
Social Security is one of the best programs our government ever embarked upon. But, personally, I don’t take it for granted.
They grow up so fast
Two storks were sitting in their nest—father and baby. The little one was crying. “Don’t worry, son,” said the dad. “Your mother will be back soon. She’s out delivering brand-new babies.”
The next night, it was the father’s turn to do the job. Again the baby stork was crying. “Son,” said mom stork, “your father will be back soon, but right now he’s out bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”
A few days later the parent storks were alarmed: Sonny had been gone from the nest all night. Shortly before dawn, however, he returned. “Where,” demanded the parents, “have you been?”
“Nowhere much,” said the youngster. “Just scaring the heck out of college students.”
Turkey story
From a contributor:
One year my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional Christmas feast. My sister tends to be quite gullible and my mom decided to play a trick. She sent my sister to the drugstore on some kind of errand. In her absence, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, spooned out the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister put the turkey on a platter and prepared to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something solid, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Margie, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family quite a while to remind her that turkeys lay eggs.
(Yes, Margie is a blonde.)
A question
Why is it that you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when it’s against the law to drink and drive?