Joyous bells

Here it is a new year, and for a week the news media has bombarded us with reminders of the disastrous events of the past decade. Yes, there were some bad times, but let’s look on the bright side.
The economy seems to be recovering and we won’t have Great Depression II. It wasn’t as bad as 1929.
We will have some kind of national health care plan in place. It will help a lot of people and it’s improvable even if it’s not perfect now.
Medicine has made great strides in the past 100 years and the past 10 have seen enormous strides in medical technology. More is known about AIDS, and researchers have hopes of beating it. Chemotherapy has had major advances, with more cancer survivors to show for it. Of the new medications advertised on TV, some must be good.
Global warming (not noticeable locally this week) has come to the world’s attention. Steps to combat it have been taken in the past decade.
Nobody attacked anybody with a nuclear bomb for the whole 10 years. (I’m cheered up already.)
Last but not least: The Enron bad guys and Bernie Madoff were thrown in jail for cheating people.

First joke of 2010

A couple go out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly. She briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she says to her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. When he reaches for it, the lid rises. He sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down again.
Perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what’s happening, and asks for an explanation.
“Please, sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
“Chicken Surprise,” says the husband.
“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter. “I bring you Peeking Duck!”
Useful information for 2010
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Red meat isn’t bad for you; fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Happy New Year!

Observance of the New Year is the granddaddy of all holidays. The people in ancient Babylon celebrated it 4,000 years ago. The Babylonian New Year began with the first new moon (actually the first visible crescent) after the vernal equinox (first day of spring).

The Babylonian New Year holiday lasted for 11 days, each day with its particular mode of celebration. Modern New Year’s Eve festivities pale in comparison.

The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of blossoming, and of planting new crops. January, on the other hand, has no astronomical or agricultural significance. Placing the New Year’s beginning in that month is purely arbitrary.

There may be an explanation. After the fullness of summer and the richness of fall, the sun fades away. It must have been scary. Then, around January, the sun slowly begins to come back. Surely a time for celebration!

Food for thought in 2010

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there’s not enough money?

Do prison doctors use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why didn’t he fix the hole in the boat?

Grandkid wisdom

The grandson asked his granddad how old he was. He teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”  “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” advised the child. “Mine says I’m four to six.”
Somebody asked the boy where his grandmother lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport. When we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done with her, we take her back to the airport.”

Grownup wisdom

- The statistics on sanity tells us that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
- Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
- When you work here at the paper, you can name your own salary. I named mine, “Fred.”

Last joke of 2009

An old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. While dismantling on the 49th floor, two workers discovered a skeleton, fully clothed and standing upright, in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. The police took the skeleton away.

After a couple of days the workers decided they had to know who they’d found. They called the police again. “We’re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet. We want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody else important.”

“Well,” said the police sergeant, “it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important. It was the 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Follow your dreams!

Except that one where you’re naked in church.

By Donna Clark, Director, Cedar Springs Public Library

The Library Board and staff would like to take this opportunity at the close of 2009 to wish all of you, our community, a very joy-filled and prosperous New Year in 2010.  We join our hopes with yours for progress toward the realization of our collective dream, a larger library facility.

We are grateful for the way you all have supported the library’s efforts to offer materials and programming that would be useful, current and foster a lifelong love of reading.  In fiscal year 2008-2009 we logged in 32,250 patron visits, 62 programs for children with 4,568 attending and 18 adult programs for 132 patrons.  This year we will be adding about 400 more adults due to the 4 Travelogue programs the Library added in October.  Our collection stands around 22,000 since we are locked into our 2,000 square foot building.  When we bring in the new, we weed out the old and worn…with the exception, of course, that the timeless classics have to stay.  It’s a tight fit.  One day we will have a larger space for collection and for YOU.

Our six public access computers have served many purposes this year.  We have seen an increase in the number of residents using them for unemployment, to look for jobs, create and send resumes, email, search Craigslist  or ebay for bargains or to sell items, shop online, listen to music, chat with friends and relatives, download photos, and some just to relax to music or play games.  Soon, there will be those filing their income tax online.

We are celebrating the partnerships we have in the community which made it possible to plan, organize, initiate, advertise and promote the Library’s services and programs this year.  Service organizations, businesses, churches, other nonprofits and private individuals,  too numerous to mention in this short article,  have wrapped their arms around their library and its efforts offering their finances, space, time, products, leadership and participation.  Your library staff see your contributions on a daily basis and are very blessed to be working for such a wonderful community as we have in Cedar Springs.

Michigan’s economy is affecting us all, the library included.  We are projecting a $10,000 shortfall due to a reduction in revenues and a $1,000 quarterly increase to belong to the Lakeland Library Cooperative.  Our Cooperative, which facilitates our sharing and borrowing materials from 80 other libraries in Western Michigan and delivers materials from around the State through MelCat, is facing a loss in revenue of right around $167,500.  How this deficit will be met is a matter of much concern to all of us who have enjoy first-class service and reciprocal borrowing for many years.  I will keep you posted as more information becomes available soon.

I do know this, Cedar Springs residents know how to stick together and work together.    As we stand on the brink of 2010, our hearts are full of hope.  We do believe in miracles.  One of those miracles is located at 43 W. Cherry Street.

Happy New Year,
Donna Clark, Director

Merry Christmas!

This is the time of year we are filled with hope and joy. We are warmed by friends, family, and neighbors. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could keep this feeling all year long? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had peace on earth? Let’s all hope and work for it.

Nagging problems

We will get a health care bill and then Congress will start working on what they did wrong. We can’t fix it so we can forget it and enjoy the season.

We will get out of Afghanistan some day. People are working on it. We can’t fix it so we might as well enjoy the holiday season.

Global warming is looming over us as the most serious risk to our way of life. We can take steps at home to help fix the problem. We can start now while we enjoy the season.

Merry Christmas to all!

Mistaken identity

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she told the driver I would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I told my wife. “But that stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her into the back yard!”

The cab driver was so startled he hit a parked car!

Paid reunion

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Thirty years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “So you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her “

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. My brother and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

Prayer can be the bolt of lightening you require

By Sarah Read

I need a do-over day today. I needed a do-over since before the day began. In fact, I required a reset button before the sun came up. My son had his 1-year check-up yesterday. I declined his Chickenpox vaccine, but he still got two shots, the last in a series he was due. At 2:30 a.m., I was giving him another dose of Tylenol and by the time he was back asleep, my husband’s 3:45 a.m. alarm was buzzing. At 4, I decided it may be a good idea, as tired as I was, to get my much-needed shower in before my husband left for work and the kids woke up. Note to self: bad idea. It did not result in a quiet, calm, kid-free start to the day. Instead, I wound up with my 3-year-old daughter in the shower with me and my son in a screaming, crying fit in his dad’s tired arms. Even with the three of us back to sleep from 5-7, I still have had grouchy, rest-deprived, misbehaving children the duration of the day. I keep thinking, if I could just go back to that 4:00 hour and undo my decision to shuffle into the shower, all would be fine. Alas, lacking a DeLorean, flux-capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts, it cannot be undone. So, onward and upward with the day!

It feels next to impossible to keep my composure in tact on days like today, when so many factors are working against us. Lack of sleep, teething, shots, terrible-3’s temper tantrums, spilt milk and flung applesauce, even a van with a dead battery that won’t start after I have the kids bundled up and loaded in, topped off with a joint-injured, limping dog that can hardly get up and down the back steps in the snow and ice.

When I am worn down and weak, I know I am an easy target to let evil and anger consume my day. It is tricky finding peace and praise when you are surrounded by pandemonium. But the Bible tells us that we should be alert and mindful in the face of challenges. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” -1 Peter 5:8

Instead of hunting down Marty McFly, or losing my cool yet again with round 12 of time-outs, I decided to take my own time-out, along with a sequence of deep breaths and seek out the presence and patience of the Lord at my side. I may not get a do-over for the day, but God has another day in store for me tomorrow, and His promise to help me survive days like today. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:10

As it turns out, when it feels as though my only escape is hitting 88 miles per hour in a cheesy 1985 film, all I need is the even more powerful drive of graceful prayer.

By Rep. Tom Pearce

What if…?

One of the greatest joys I experience is living in such an incredible community. When there is a need we give, when someone is hurting we care, and when someone experiences success we celebrate. What if this Christmas, while we remember the greatest gift ever given, we each look for a neighbor in need and take the time to reach out in some small way. Who knows how much good can come from a few simple acts of kindness?

New Year begins district office hours change

To improve efficient and effective service to the residents of the 73rd House District, beginning in January 2010 my meetings with constituents will be done on an appointment basis rather than the open district office hours schedule. The monthly district office hours format was great for meeting people informally, but often it has been the case that no residents were using the district office hours opportunities to meet with me. Another matter I have taken into account in making this decision is fairness to the businesses and their staffs who have graciously hosted my meetings over the years. The scant and sometimes nonexistent attendance needlessly ties up part of their serving area. I am thankful to each restaurant that worked around my district office hours schedule. I also thank those residents who have met with me at the district office hours. I still look forward to meeting in the local community with anyone who has concerns, opinions or difficulties with state government issues or services using an appointment process.  To establish an appointment time and location, please contact my office toll free at 888-414-3684.

“Helping hand” info makes online debut

A new state Web site is making it easier for people facing economic hardship to find state programs and services, tips and how-to information. There are five primary links at www.michigan.gov/helpinghand to access information on Michigan’s unemployment benefits program, food assistance, affordable medical care and help with mortgage trouble, as well as other useful information. The site also has links for United Way’s 2-1-1 local cooperating agencies, including the online Heart of West Michigan United Way Community Resource Directory. Another Web site that can be of use for seniors looking for answers is the AARP’s www.aarp.org/quicklink. This site can help people learn about public benefit programs they may not know are available, and how to get help from them. These programs can help save money on health care, medication, food, utilities, children’s health costs and more. There are options for federal and state-specific program searches.

Reminder: unemployment assistance available 24/7

I included this information in my last column, but with Michigan’s high unemployment I want to remind people that unemployment insurance help can be reached online 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Claims can be filed online at www.michigan.gov/uia anytime from 7 a.m., Monday until 7 p.m., Saturday. Claims can also be filed by telephone by calling toll-free 866-500-0017 which is available anytime from 7 a.m., Monday, until 7 p.m., Saturday, with live assistance available from 8 a.m., until 6 p.m., Monday through Friday. Those connecting before or after the regular business hours will not have access to live representatives. Those calling the automated system during off-hours and who cannot complete the filing of their claims because additional information is required will be advised to call the agency back during normal business hours, excluding holidays, to speak with an agency representative. Another service upgrade allows workers to choose their benefit payment option from debit card to direct deposit or vice versa. UIA also has helpful video Webcasts available on its site, www.michigan.gov/uia. There are answers and explanations to more than three dozen common questions on ‘UI Tube’ in the format of guides or tutorials to help users understand and access unemployment programs or benefits.  Most of the on-demand programs are less than 10 minutes long.  Employers can learn about different aspects of the tax program, as well as how to file quarterly wage, tax and payroll reports. Unemployed workers can learn about unemployment benefits, including the step-by-step process for filing an unemployment claim and registering for work through Michigan Works!  They can also learn about their benefit payment options, how to use MARVIN and some of the common problems they may have with claims.

Contact me

Residents are encouraged to contact me anytime through my Lansing office by calling toll free (888) 414-3684; mailing to the State Capitol, P.O. Box 30014, Lansing, MI 48909-7514; or e-mailing tompearce@house.mi.gov.

Dinner, anyone?

It seems unlikely that the experts can stop the Asian carp from getting into Lake Michigan. All of us should be looking for carp recipes. In the old days, carp was a trash fish that got thrown away. If things go the way we can expect, they may be the only fish left to eat. I figure if we can eat sushi we can enjoy carp.

While the getting is good

The President suggested trying to leave Afghanistan in 18 months if Hamid Karzai can pull things together. Fat chance. The tribal leaders and clans and war lords have run their parts of the country for hundreds of years and won’t be changing to please a corrupt government. The most optimistic thing I’ve read on the subject is, “We can’t win in Afghanistan, but while we’re there, neither can the Taliban.”

I served in Korea 60 years ago and U.S. troops are still there. Some day we’re going to have to bite the bullet and get out of Korea. And Afghanistan.

Happy ending

I was in the hospital overnight for minor stuff. They took away my glasses and then my watch. My cell phone was next; then my wallet with money and credit cards.  Finally they took my clothes and left my bare butt exposed. Talk about helpless.

But they gave it all back the next day. I immediately hooked up my computer. Ahhh – connected to the world again!

Christmas Cookies

1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, so try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Pick the fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher. Cherry Mistmas !

Second guessing

The Democrats mostly don’t like the President’s plan for the war in Afghanistan. The Republicans mostly don’t like it, either. Raise your hand if this stuff surprises you.

GM=Generous Money

The new head of General Motors has a salary cap of $500,000, almost $10,000 a week. Sounds like enough to buy groceries and pay the rent, which you can’t say about the incomes of lots of other Americans. He heads up a company that lost $millions, and he makes more than the President of the United States. We tax-paying citizens now own most of that company. Let’s hope he’s worth our money.

GM=Generally Mental

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

This year I had the chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. You should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.

Parking

I went Christmas shopping in the city the other day. I was in the store for only about five minutes. When I came out, I saw a traffic officer writing an expired parking meter ticket.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, how about giving a man a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement.

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

Kid joke

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, after the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Waking in the morning, I leave the warm cocoon of bed and emerge into a cold, dark house with cold coffee. I get dressed and heat the coffee and enjoy a warm breakfast. It’s like being born. A new day, like a new life.

Best buy

One day on a radio show I heard a belittling reference to “feedbag clothes.” Just hold your horses there! A century ago most people were farmers. They had a cow, pigs, and poultry. Even town folks kept a few chickens. And everybody bought feed. It came in 100 pound bags of cotton, not burlap and certainly not paper or plastic. Just about every family made clothing out of the bags after bleaching off the trademarks. These weren’t dress clothes but they were perfectly fine for every day. Waste not, want not.

Today we get clothing from all over the world and the fabric mills in America are out of business. Clothes are still cheap, but I like the idea of getting them free with chicken feed.

State news

This happened a few years ago, but it’s the kind of news that bears repeating:

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in the defendant’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Johns, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge pulled a packet of cocaine out of the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Yearly Exam

This in from a friend: Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“135,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It says 180.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 feet 9,” I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’4”. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it’s very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “when I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

Recession depression

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors.
McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
A truckload of Americans are caught sneaking into Mexico.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them to ask if they mean you or them.

By Sarah Read

Black Friday is a bit of a conundrum to me. There is something insincere in the detail that less than 12 hours after Thanksgiving dinner, a meal at which we gather to reflect on all that we are grateful for, folks are literally losing sleep to rush, race and shove their way to accumulate more. On the other hand, with the indulgent heights of consumerism, one could argue we are lucky to get one day of Thanks before the days of MORE resume.

I am not saying I have never participated in early morning shopping on the big sale day in excitement for Christmas. Or that I never will again. Simply that we should pause with awareness, and examine our own raison d’être, or, reason for being. What is our basic, essential purpose, what are our motivations behind what we get swept up with over the holidays? What is driving us? If I were willing to get up in the wee hours of the morning to wait in line for the newest “gadgets” or deals of the year, would I, in turn, be willing to get up at that hour to, say, prep a food kitchen for the poor?

As a stay-at-home mom to a 3-year-old and 1-year-old, I need to watch the road I’m going down more so than ever, as I am not the only passenger anymore. My husband and I must live the example we want our children to follow. If I want them to learn that the Lord should be our guide, then I have to strive to let my actions be driven by Him, rather than the driving forces of advertisements, social standards, or what the Jones do.

After all, as the bible tells us, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

I’m not above a little retail therapy. I like to shop as much as the next mom out there and my kids are certainly spoiled in the way of toys. Our cup runneth over, and yet our tree will still be crowded with boxes, bags and bows. While our children receive more than their share of gifts, we also place just as much emphasis on our charitable activities and teaching the fun rewards of giving.

“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ “–Acts 20:35

There are many different beliefs, traditions, religions and customs this time of year. No matter a person’s faith, I think that, in the hustle bustle of the retail world and emphasis on Santa, wish lists and material goods, even honest terms of sentiment such as “it’s the thought that counts” or “the reason for the season” can become merely hackneyed phrases.

This time of year will only be hurried, chaotic and stressful if we allow it to be. My goal this holiday season is to enjoy the flavor without rush, reflect and create without guilt, and to savor the magic. And it starts with the homemade cookies I am about to bake with my kids, mess and mayhem included. But hey, with young kids, even a cup of calm comes with a dash of bedlam, doesn’t it?