Phil’s okay!

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) had concerns that the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Punxsutawney, Penn., was stressful for Punxsutawney Phil, the centerpiece ground hog. They wanted to replace him with some kind of robot.

Well, I know Phil. I visited him at his home in the library window in downtown Punxsutawney. He sends word that he enjoys the visits of local townspeople who drop by, and he’s flattered by the attention on Groundhog Day. He loves his job.

It’s nice that PETA is concerned about the welfare of animals, but Phil lives better than any other groundhog in his family. He was happy to celebrate his day as usual this week.

Not likely

A man goes out golfing. He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to a tree. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! Nine iron.” The man looks at the frog and decides to prove it wrong. He puts his own choice of club away, and grabs the nine iron.

Boom! The ball lands 10 inches from the cup. The man is shocked. “Wow, that’s amazing,” he says to the frog. “You must be a lucky frog!” The frog replies, “Ribbit! Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think, Frog?” asks the man.

“Ribbit! Three wood.” The guy takes out his three wood and, wham! Hole in one. The man hardly knows what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, “Okay, where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit! Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Okay, Frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit! Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit! $3,000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but, after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! A pile of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit! Kiss me.” The man figures why not. After everything the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

“And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods.”

The keyboard solution

Wouldn’t it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press “Ctr Alt Delete” and start all over?

By Sarah Read

Laundry, dishes, diapers, meals, toys, vacuum, dishes, laundry, diapers, toys, meals, diapers, vacuum… life as a stay-at-home mom can often resemble the feeling captured in Bill Murray’s movie Groundhog Day. “I’m reliving the same day over and over,” said Bill’s character Phil Conners, a weatherman stuck in a time loop on February 2. It could be the mantra of many moms, especially during the last six weeks of winter.

Faced with his gloomy forecast, Murray’s character starts out extremely pessimistic and bleakly hopeless, but as the movie progresses, he slowly starts to learn the valuable lesson that true change can only come from within.

The truth is, that while God gives us the freedom of will and choice, the truly important outcomes, if we search within ourselves and trust in Him, are in His hands, in His time. That is why, similar to Groundhog Day, we cannot control the actions of anyone but ourselves. We can shape, influence, discipline, advise and teach, but it is up to our children whether they will heed the lessons and apply them. You can tell your toddler not to hit, your preschooler to say please, your teenager to just say no to drugs, but in the end, the decision for their actions is ultimately theirs. The better we know our children, the less we will worry about the choices they will make. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”- Proverbs 22:6

Zoom out on the bigger picture, and our Father, who knows our souls better than we know ourselves, is parenting us all the same. Some things He knows we have to learn for ourselves, other things He will show to us. Also, akin to the plot of Groundhog Day, there are even times He puts our own metaphorical blizzards in place, as a roadblock around our situations, to keep us right where we are until we get it right.

However relatable the funny repetition in the movie Groundhog Day can be, Conners is a man with no future, which is impossible to experience while raising human beings. God has tomorrows in store for us, even when it may feel as though there wasn’t one today.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” –Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

On days when you feel like Phil Conners felt when he said, “It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life,” just remember God promises rainbows after the rain, and spring following each winter. Just as Conners discovers at the end of the movie, “Today is tomorrow. It happened.”

0 for 2

Democrats struck out last week. Another nay-saying Republican to replace Ted Kennedy isn’t what they wanted. Sixty Senators can vote to allow debate; Fifty-nine isn’t enough. Now 41 Senate Republicans can say “NO” to everything and make it stick. So much for the people of this nation who want healthcare reform and better international relations.

The Supreme Court, in another 5 to 4 decision, capped off the week by allowing corporations to pour unlimited money into election campaigns. Experts all along the political spectrum say we’ll see the down side to this. The only winners (besides the already mega-rich corporation executives) will be the political advertising industry.

Good news

So far the President has not been blamed for the earthquake in Haiti.

Gene pool rejects
Continued from last week*:

No. 1: A man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Mich., at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because, he said, he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The would-be robber, frustrated, walked away.

No. 2:

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?]

Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. They related all the regular type of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized that Vernon hadn’t yet participated.

“Vernon, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Rhonda. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break. And then her parachute plunked her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your father draw from this terrible story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Rhonda when she’s been drinking.”

*Ed. Note: While humorous, neither these nor the ones printed last week have been verified as actual events.



Payback

Wall Street screwed up and we had (have?) a recession. Now it looks like things in the financial industry are getting better. The President wants the banks that we the people bailed out of trouble to pay back the money. If taxpayers are the insurance company of last resort, it’s only right that the banks pay the premium on that insurance.
We won’t soon forget those multi-million dollar bonuses paid out by the banks we kept out of bankruptcy. Seems like managers that lead their companies into near-bankruptcy should be fired, not rewarded. If those guys deserve a bonus because of all the profits they’ve made, where are the profits?
Right here in town we have managers that made do during the business slowdown crunch with lots less income than the big banks. Give them a few $billion of business and I’ll bet they wouldn’t need to be bailed out.

Darwin Awards!

A Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek honor named after Charles Darwin, given to people who “do a service to humanity by removing themselves from the gene pool.” According to Wendy Northcutt, author of the Darwin Award books, the awardees must accomplish that in a “sublimely idiotic fashion.”  Northcutt’s Darwin Awards web site tries to verify all stories it receives about the least evolved among us. But if they are fiction, I don’t mind. It’s the laugh that counts.
For example: “When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.”
Here’s one I like, although it doesn’t involve total self-destruction:
“The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine. He also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.”
And here’s one that displays both idiocy and ingenuity. I don’t think it qualifies for a Darwin Award:
“After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.”

Closing thoughts

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. On the other hand, I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Batting average

Last week I received a complimentary letter from Jean Caldwell. In addition, I got a phone call from someone else complaining about my views on providing health care. That’s a batting average of .500. Not bad, wouldn’t you say?

Profile me!

Airport security people don’t dare profile travelers because they might overlook the “non-obvious.” But obviousness is on a sliding scale. Some travelers are more possibly terrorists than others. Personally, to the most casual of observers, I must be very low on the scale of possibility. I wish they’d profile me as “harmless” so I wouldn’t have to take off my shoes in airports. (And I still regret their confiscation of the little penknife I’d had for decades.)

When it comes to the new x-ray screening, I realize most people are not attractive naked. I’d hate to be the guy who had to look at them all day. But doesn’t it all come down to, “I don’t want my plane to blow up when I’m on it”?  Nobody likes the inconvenience of the screening, but I’m glad they’re doing it.

Blank check

One Christmas, a busy mom decreed that she’d no longer remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year, however, things were different.

“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandma told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in their behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” said the grandma. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

Kids

“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

Traffic cop comebacks

#1. “I’m glad to hear that the chief of police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

#2 “The answer to this question will determine whether you’re drunk or not:  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#3. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#4. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

AND THE WINNER IS…

#5. “You didn’t think we give tickets to pretty women? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Joyous bells

Here it is a new year, and for a week the news media has bombarded us with reminders of the disastrous events of the past decade. Yes, there were some bad times, but let’s look on the bright side.
The economy seems to be recovering and we won’t have Great Depression II. It wasn’t as bad as 1929.
We will have some kind of national health care plan in place. It will help a lot of people and it’s improvable even if it’s not perfect now.
Medicine has made great strides in the past 100 years and the past 10 have seen enormous strides in medical technology. More is known about AIDS, and researchers have hopes of beating it. Chemotherapy has had major advances, with more cancer survivors to show for it. Of the new medications advertised on TV, some must be good.
Global warming (not noticeable locally this week) has come to the world’s attention. Steps to combat it have been taken in the past decade.
Nobody attacked anybody with a nuclear bomb for the whole 10 years. (I’m cheered up already.)
Last but not least: The Enron bad guys and Bernie Madoff were thrown in jail for cheating people.

First joke of 2010

A couple go out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly. She briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she says to her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. When he reaches for it, the lid rises. He sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down again.
Perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what’s happening, and asks for an explanation.
“Please, sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
“Chicken Surprise,” says the husband.
“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter. “I bring you Peeking Duck!”
Useful information for 2010
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Red meat isn’t bad for you; fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Happy New Year!

Observance of the New Year is the granddaddy of all holidays. The people in ancient Babylon celebrated it 4,000 years ago. The Babylonian New Year began with the first new moon (actually the first visible crescent) after the vernal equinox (first day of spring).

The Babylonian New Year holiday lasted for 11 days, each day with its particular mode of celebration. Modern New Year’s Eve festivities pale in comparison.

The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of blossoming, and of planting new crops. January, on the other hand, has no astronomical or agricultural significance. Placing the New Year’s beginning in that month is purely arbitrary.

There may be an explanation. After the fullness of summer and the richness of fall, the sun fades away. It must have been scary. Then, around January, the sun slowly begins to come back. Surely a time for celebration!

Food for thought in 2010

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there’s not enough money?

Do prison doctors use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why didn’t he fix the hole in the boat?

Grandkid wisdom

The grandson asked his granddad how old he was. He teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”  “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” advised the child. “Mine says I’m four to six.”
Somebody asked the boy where his grandmother lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport. When we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done with her, we take her back to the airport.”

Grownup wisdom

- The statistics on sanity tells us that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
- Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
- When you work here at the paper, you can name your own salary. I named mine, “Fred.”

Last joke of 2009

An old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. While dismantling on the 49th floor, two workers discovered a skeleton, fully clothed and standing upright, in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. The police took the skeleton away.

After a couple of days the workers decided they had to know who they’d found. They called the police again. “We’re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet. We want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody else important.”

“Well,” said the police sergeant, “it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important. It was the 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Follow your dreams!

Except that one where you’re naked in church.

By Donna Clark, Director, Cedar Springs Public Library

The Library Board and staff would like to take this opportunity at the close of 2009 to wish all of you, our community, a very joy-filled and prosperous New Year in 2010.  We join our hopes with yours for progress toward the realization of our collective dream, a larger library facility.

We are grateful for the way you all have supported the library’s efforts to offer materials and programming that would be useful, current and foster a lifelong love of reading.  In fiscal year 2008-2009 we logged in 32,250 patron visits, 62 programs for children with 4,568 attending and 18 adult programs for 132 patrons.  This year we will be adding about 400 more adults due to the 4 Travelogue programs the Library added in October.  Our collection stands around 22,000 since we are locked into our 2,000 square foot building.  When we bring in the new, we weed out the old and worn…with the exception, of course, that the timeless classics have to stay.  It’s a tight fit.  One day we will have a larger space for collection and for YOU.

Our six public access computers have served many purposes this year.  We have seen an increase in the number of residents using them for unemployment, to look for jobs, create and send resumes, email, search Craigslist  or ebay for bargains or to sell items, shop online, listen to music, chat with friends and relatives, download photos, and some just to relax to music or play games.  Soon, there will be those filing their income tax online.

We are celebrating the partnerships we have in the community which made it possible to plan, organize, initiate, advertise and promote the Library’s services and programs this year.  Service organizations, businesses, churches, other nonprofits and private individuals,  too numerous to mention in this short article,  have wrapped their arms around their library and its efforts offering their finances, space, time, products, leadership and participation.  Your library staff see your contributions on a daily basis and are very blessed to be working for such a wonderful community as we have in Cedar Springs.

Michigan’s economy is affecting us all, the library included.  We are projecting a $10,000 shortfall due to a reduction in revenues and a $1,000 quarterly increase to belong to the Lakeland Library Cooperative.  Our Cooperative, which facilitates our sharing and borrowing materials from 80 other libraries in Western Michigan and delivers materials from around the State through MelCat, is facing a loss in revenue of right around $167,500.  How this deficit will be met is a matter of much concern to all of us who have enjoy first-class service and reciprocal borrowing for many years.  I will keep you posted as more information becomes available soon.

I do know this, Cedar Springs residents know how to stick together and work together.    As we stand on the brink of 2010, our hearts are full of hope.  We do believe in miracles.  One of those miracles is located at 43 W. Cherry Street.

Happy New Year,
Donna Clark, Director

Merry Christmas!

This is the time of year we are filled with hope and joy. We are warmed by friends, family, and neighbors. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could keep this feeling all year long? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had peace on earth? Let’s all hope and work for it.

Nagging problems

We will get a health care bill and then Congress will start working on what they did wrong. We can’t fix it so we can forget it and enjoy the season.

We will get out of Afghanistan some day. People are working on it. We can’t fix it so we might as well enjoy the holiday season.

Global warming is looming over us as the most serious risk to our way of life. We can take steps at home to help fix the problem. We can start now while we enjoy the season.

Merry Christmas to all!

Mistaken identity

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she told the driver I would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I told my wife. “But that stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her into the back yard!”

The cab driver was so startled he hit a parked car!

Paid reunion

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Thirty years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “So you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her “

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. My brother and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

Prayer can be the bolt of lightening you require

By Sarah Read

I need a do-over day today. I needed a do-over since before the day began. In fact, I required a reset button before the sun came up. My son had his 1-year check-up yesterday. I declined his Chickenpox vaccine, but he still got two shots, the last in a series he was due. At 2:30 a.m., I was giving him another dose of Tylenol and by the time he was back asleep, my husband’s 3:45 a.m. alarm was buzzing. At 4, I decided it may be a good idea, as tired as I was, to get my much-needed shower in before my husband left for work and the kids woke up. Note to self: bad idea. It did not result in a quiet, calm, kid-free start to the day. Instead, I wound up with my 3-year-old daughter in the shower with me and my son in a screaming, crying fit in his dad’s tired arms. Even with the three of us back to sleep from 5-7, I still have had grouchy, rest-deprived, misbehaving children the duration of the day. I keep thinking, if I could just go back to that 4:00 hour and undo my decision to shuffle into the shower, all would be fine. Alas, lacking a DeLorean, flux-capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts, it cannot be undone. So, onward and upward with the day!

It feels next to impossible to keep my composure in tact on days like today, when so many factors are working against us. Lack of sleep, teething, shots, terrible-3’s temper tantrums, spilt milk and flung applesauce, even a van with a dead battery that won’t start after I have the kids bundled up and loaded in, topped off with a joint-injured, limping dog that can hardly get up and down the back steps in the snow and ice.

When I am worn down and weak, I know I am an easy target to let evil and anger consume my day. It is tricky finding peace and praise when you are surrounded by pandemonium. But the Bible tells us that we should be alert and mindful in the face of challenges. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” -1 Peter 5:8

Instead of hunting down Marty McFly, or losing my cool yet again with round 12 of time-outs, I decided to take my own time-out, along with a sequence of deep breaths and seek out the presence and patience of the Lord at my side. I may not get a do-over for the day, but God has another day in store for me tomorrow, and His promise to help me survive days like today. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:10

As it turns out, when it feels as though my only escape is hitting 88 miles per hour in a cheesy 1985 film, all I need is the even more powerful drive of graceful prayer.