Focus

I am surprised that our upcoming election may hinge on the candidates views on marriage. The briefest look at our national and world news shows and incredible variety of problems, troubles and serious issues. We have Syria, North Korea, immigration, climate change and economic distress. The marriage issue affects only a few. The major problems may affect everyone.

Judgement

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they all dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Nutrition

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.  The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “what you been eatin’, boy?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?”

“Down ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the manure out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the manure out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but the hind quarters and a briefcase.”

The miracle

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Smith, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant—about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?”

Lynda says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

By Sen. Carl Levin

In late April, the Senate approved an important bill to reform the U.S. Postal Service. Though the bill was not perfect, it makes important changes to help the Postal Service adapt and thrive in the 21st century. And it includes an amendment that I helped write that I believe will help protect postal facilities in Michigan and across the nation from unjustified closures.

There is little doubt that change is necessary; the Postal Service faces an extraordinary financial challenge, and it must make changes to take into account a new reality in which physical mail has in many cases been replaced by electronic communication.

But in making these necessary reforms, we must ensure that all the American people can continue to rely on the United States Postal Service to provide universal service, as it has since our nation’s founding. And we must ensure that in making changes, any reduction in facilities and personnel yields real cost savings to the Postal Service that outweigh the loss in service. Many communities in Michigan, large and small, urban and rural, are concerned that closures proposed by the Postal Service will degrade the service on which Michiganians depend.

One of the things we can do to assure that is to require that there be a real, objective way to test and challenge Postal Service proposals to close facilities. In an effort to meet those goals, I joined with Sen. Jon Tester of Montana and Sen. Al Franken of Minnesota, among others, to propose an amendment that made important changes to the bill.

Under current law, any interested party can appeal a proposed closure of a community’s main post office to the Postal Regulatory Commission. The postal reform bill extends that opportunity for appeal to branches of a post office. But it did not extend that same appeal right to postal processing facilities—the facilities where mail is sorted, routed and distributed to post offices. Our amendment established a meaningful appeal process for proposed closures of these facilities.

Recent experience showed me the need for a real appeal process. In February, I wrote to Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe about the decision to close six processing facilities in Michigan. I asked questions about what savings the proposal would yield and the impact on service to Michigan customers. But when the Postal Service responded to my letter nearly eight weeks later, the response did not answer any of my questions satisfactorily. The inability to provide basic information indicates to me that a fair opportunity to appeal is crucial.

Our amendment made other important changes. It ensures that any postal facility proposed for closure will remain open during any appeal. It makes clear that the Postal Regulatory Commission, when considering an appeal, has the authority to reverse a proposed closure. It requires the Postal Service to consider whether closing a facility will result in actual cost savings and directs the Postal Regulatory Commission to reject any proposed closure that does not meet that test.

Postal reform is among the most significant issues we will consider this year. It touches every town and village, every person and every business across our nation. The Postal Service’s universal service obligation to ensure that all Americans have access to an affordable, efficient postal system in order to communicate with one another is among the most important obligations any agency or department has. It sets the Postal Service apart from private-sector firms that are under no obligation to serve all markets. The Postal Service’s first obligation is not profit. It is service.

I believe our reform bill will help the Postal Service continue to meet that obligation for decades to come. Now that the Senate has acted, I hope our colleagues in the House of Representatives can act quickly so Americans can continue to get the postal service they need and deserve.

Carl Levin is the senior U.S. senator from Michigan.

By: Vonda VanTil, Social Security Public Affairs Specialist

Summer will be here before we know it. That means millions of high school and college students will be searching for jobs. Whether a new worker is beginning the career of a lifetime or just earning some extra money for the next school year, there is one question that is likely to be on each new worker’s mind when they see their first pay stub: Where’s the rest of my money?

Some of the money that is withheld is referred to as “Social Security taxes” on the employee’s payroll statement. Sometimes the deduction is labeled as “FICA taxes,” which stands for Federal Insurance Contributions Act. So let us tell you how that money is being used, and what’s in it for you.

The taxes paid now translate to a lifetime of protection, when you eventually retire or if you become disabled. In the event that you die young, your dependent children and spouse may be able to receive survivors benefits based on your work.

Another bit of helpful advice for young workers: be wary if you’re offered a job “under the table” or “off the books.” If you work for any employer who pays you only in cash, understand that you’re likely not getting Social Security credit for the work you’re doing.

Want to learn more about Social Security and what it means to young workers? If so, we invite you to enjoy a webcast: Social Security 101: What’s In It For Me? The webcast will fill you in on the details you should know to get the most out of Social Security. Check it out at www.socialsecurity.gov/webinars/social_security_101.html.

If you have questions about Social Security, the best place to go is online — to www.socialsecurity.gov.

Vonda VanTil is the public affairs specialist for West Michigan.  You can write her c/o Social Security Administration, 3045 Knapp St NE, Grand Rapids MI 49525 or via email at vonda.vantil@ssa.gov  

Greetings,

Cedar Springs City Hall, Fellow Merchants, Concerned Citizens:

Can we ever come together? Does anyone really care?

As we understand it a very generous person put up $50k of matching funds for a new future library.

We at the Amish Furniture and Gifts Warehouse, wanted to have some little part in seeing this come to fruition.

So, we spent $640.00 for ads in the local papers, giving 15% of all furniture sales for one week to this effort.

Results – none!

A planning representative that the City uses, from Royal Oak, said NO to our signage promoting this cause.

And really when you think about it, why should he care? His children and grandchildren probably have a nice new library in their city.

So, we are sorry, Donna Clark, for not giving the $640.00 to the library fund.

The $100.00 token [I donated] doesn’t quite cut it, so who knows, maybe the planning firm that takes those green backs out of Cedar Springs every year will kick in!

Then, maybe someday Cedar Springs will once again become a nice place to live, work, and play.

Sincerely, 

Amish Bob (Truesdale), Cedar Springs

Truth

The side with the most arrows and the best horses wins the war. Nope, wrong century.

New truth: The side with the most guns wins the war.

Better truth: Being smart about resolving conflict can avoid the gun solution. The gun solution seems to feed on itself and, more often than not, leads to more unnecessary conflict.

Another new truth: The politician with the most money wins the election. We need to remember this when we vote for our representatives in Congress. Every poll shows they’re currently WAY down on Americans’ approval list.

Sad truth: We elected all of them.

Hopeful truth: In a democracy, voters must get informed and stay informed. Leaving the TV on one station all the time? Not enough. We need to expose ourselves to real information, and a variety of it.

Politicians lie to us and they pay others to lie to us. They want to warp our opinions. Let’s prove we aren’t pushovers.

More crooks

Thieves robbed a bank. The chief of police ordered his sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the sergeant reported back that all the robbers had escaped, the chief went mad with anger. Pounding on the desk, he yelled, “Didn’t I tell you to cover all the exit points?”

“I did,” defended the sergeant, “but they managed to escape through the entrance.”

And another one

The bank manager was down to two final applicants, one of whom would get the job as cashier.

The first was from a small college in upstate New York. He was a nice young fellow but a bit timid. His interview went okay, but it was nothing special.

Then the bank manager called for the other man: “Jim Johnson!”

Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. “He looks like he can take care of any situation,” thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

Turning to the first applicant, the manager said he could leave and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. That’s an asset for the job as cashier. However, you must also be precise. I noticed you didn’t fill out the part on the application where we asked about your formal education.”

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, “Where did you get your financial training?”

“Oh,” replied Jim, “Yale.”

“Excellent,” said the manager. “You’re hired! Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”

Jim replied, “I don’t care. Either Yim or Mr. Yonson.”

We found those blondes

Three blondes took a walk in the country and came upon a line of tracks. “Those must be deer tracks,” said the first one.

“No, stupid,” said the second. “Anyone can tell they’re rabbit tracks.”

The third blonde chimed in, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”

They were still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

Too many?

Although Western societies and China have cut back the average number of children per couple, other parts of the world overflow with babies.

The growth of world population is astounding. In 10,000 B.C. there were about one million of us. By 1900 we were up to one and a half billion. Then, at year 2000, our number was at six billion.

The United States Census Bureau estimates that world population exceeded SEVEN BILLION on Mar. 12, 2012. According to a separate estimate by the

Human beings are using up the world at a tremendous rate. Much of the world is hungry. Global pollution isn’t under control. We are running out of clean water. Disease, starvation, and war create misery but not a net decrease in population.

The news is full of wars, protests, killings and revolutions. If it is part of the human condition that we can’t get along with each other, then this adds to an obvious truth: We humans have used Mother Nature’s gift of reproduction to excess.

Tom was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. “If you had ten dollars,” said the teacher, “and I ask you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?”

“Ten,” said Tom.

“Ten?” the teacher said. “How do you make it ten?”

“Well,” replied Tom, “you may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it.”

This week’s lawyer

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

So the butcher called him and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

This week’s doctor

Three doctors are in a duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks up and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck.” He shoots at it but misses.

Another bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks up, then leafs through the pages of his bird field guide. “Hmmm… green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound… it might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”

This week’s blond

I’m sorry; I didn’t run into any blonds this week. But I did overhear a girl in a hat say to her friend, “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

Dear Editor,

What a surprise to open the Post and to read about my grandparents, Dan and Sylvia Reichelt being robbed (Out of the Attic—Solon Township family held up, printed April 12, 2012). My mom was three years old at the time, the 5th of the 6 kids, the youngest not being born until a few years later. Mom was Marie Reichelt McAnally. I vaguely remember her telling about being robbed. My great uncle was Alvin, not Albert as stated. His daughter lives in Dansville.

The farm is still owned by the Reichelt family. I grew up next door [and lived there] until I was married. My mom passed away 7 years ago, next door to where she was born and raised.

We think things like this only happen in present times!

Nancy McAnally Hanna, Cedar Springs

Just wondering what gives the City Manager Christine Burns the right to pick and choose what city ordinances to enforce? The city has an ordinance for shoveling the snow on the sidewalks in town and especially Main Street. When was the last time they wrote a ticket for not shoveling? Red Flannel Day showcases the city and businesses, and when visitors return around the holidays to shop and eat they find snow on some downtown sidewalks, with curbside snow high enough it prevents them from opening the passenger doors. The piles of snow on Main Street are high enough that people who do shovel have no place to put it, as the city waits for spring to melt the snow. Let’s take care of your own house before you worry about someone else. Maybe you could use the American Legion Hall lot for the snow.

Gerald Skelonc, Solon Township

Don’t like the price of gasoline? Drive 55 mph instead of 70 or 75 and you will save about one gallon of gasoline out of each 11 gallons. You’ll also save wear on your tires and car parts. Driving over 60 mph and you’re blowing wasted gasoline out of your tail pipe.

In the 1970s, we had an oil embargo by the Arabs against the U.S. The top legal speed in Michigan and most states was 55 mph, even on the expressway. States that didn’t go to 55 mph lost all federal funds for roadwork. Deaths and terrible injuries went down dramatically.

If just 50 percent of the American people would slow down to 55, there would be so much fuel sitting in the gas stations that the major oil companies would have to sell gasoline at $2.00 per gallon just to make room for the fuel that they purchased overseas. However, the Americans are unlikely to change their driving habits.

David Viau, Cedar Springs

Another brilliant idea

Tourism is a big moneymaker. Locally, we draw in a few tourists with the Red Flannel Festival, Start of Summer, Harvest Festival and miscellaneous other special events. Wildly creative promotion could bring us tourists by the truckload.

Since nobody actually wears red flannels anymore, how about a Lingerie Festival? I’m envisioning models for ladies’ underwear, historical displays (such as Queen Victoria’s bloomers) and a contest for better design of men’s boxer shorts. But especially the models.

And why has Rockford never had a Shoe Festival? Just imagine five-inch-heel foot races and shoelace knot-tying workshops. Rockford has been a shoe place for a hundred years, more or less. We need to make shoes fun enough to pull in the tourists. They’d sip their libations from high-heeled slippers in the beer tent…

I’ll stop right there for now because brilliant thinking always tires me out.

The olden days, part I

Henry was playing pretend-fight. This was back in the days before indoor plumbing. During his game, the boy knocked over the outhouse. Sure that he’d get a whupping, he ran into the woods.

It was after dark when Henry sneaked back and, sure enough, his father was waiting. “Son, did you knock over the outhouse?”

“No, Pappy.”

“Well, let me tell you a story,” said the father. “Once, not that long ago, George Washington received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out. Too late he realized he had cut down his mother’s favorite cherry tree.”

Henry’s father paused. “Just like you, he ran into the woods.” Henry felt his face turn red as his dad went on:

“When George came back, his pappy asked, ‘Did you cut down the cherry tree?’ George looked his father in the eye and said, ‘I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I did it.’ George’s father said, ‘Since you were honest with me, I won’t punish you.’”

Henry gulped. His father again asked, “Son, did you knock down the outhouse?”

“Pappy,” said Henry, “I cannot lie. Yes, it was me that did it.”

Then Henry’s father spanked him red, white, and blue. “Pappy,” whimpered Henry, “I told the truth! Why did you whup me?”

“Because,” came the answer, “George Washington’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”

The olden days, part II

Father Bill, the venerable old priest, visited the parish school now and then. He walked into the fourth grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked how many states they could name. One by one they came up with about 40 names. Father Bill smiled and told them that in his day students knew the names of all of them.

Richie raised his hand and said, “Yes, Father, but in those days there were only thirteen.”

A deep thought

Do you realize that in about 40 years we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

And one more

Living in a nudist colony must take all the fun out of Halloween.