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Archive | Joke of the Week

Driving flash

 

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn’t believe it, so he turned and, going a snail’s pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

 

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Lifeboat

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around. “Gee, I’m kind of lonely,” he said. “I wish my friends were here with me.”

 

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The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

The woman was stunned and left without saying a word.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

She reached out and patted his leg. “He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

 

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Stop or Slow?

A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.
The driver immediately protested, “Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what’s the difference?”
The cop politely says, “Step out of the car please,” and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.
While swinging away, the copy asks, “Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?”

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Cops and Robbers

My next door neighbor had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys “shot” his mother and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead.”

She slumped to the ground and when she didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, “Shhh! Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day.”

 

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Tired son

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

 

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Babysitting

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

“It wasn’t that,” said the boy. “She ate all the bait!”

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Right or wrong?

The other day, a man and his wife got into a petty argument. Neither would admit the possibility that they might be in error.

The wife finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.”

“Fine,” said her husband.

She took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and said, “I’m wrong.”

Her husband grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

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Fishing on the lake

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

 

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Be careful what you wish for

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.” He then turns to the ostrich and asks,  “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
They do this every day for a couple of weeks. Then one day the man orders something different. “I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to pay with the exact change every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “one day I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! But what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs. “My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.”

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