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Archive | Joke of the Week

Forgive your enemies

 

 

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” he asked.

“I don’t have any,” she said.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three.”

“Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, “It’s easy. I just outlived them all!”

 

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Bear hunting

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

 

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Cutting the grass

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. There was always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Exercise Program

Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.

Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.

Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire.

Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.

Saturday: Pick up the pieces.

 

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Principal rounds

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions?

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked.

“Where exactly is your teacher?”

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

 

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Corvette joyride

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

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Paid for standing around

 

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. While walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

“Just how much are you being paid?” the owner demanded.

“A hundred dollars a week,” the young man replied.
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man, “Here is a week’s pay—now get out and don’t come back!”

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

“Tell me,” the boss asked him, “How long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied the warehouse manager. “He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.”

 

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Airplane ride

A farmer and his wife went to the fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!”

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The Sword of the Spirit

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and shouts: “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”
The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.”
The cop turned to the burglar: “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”
The burglar replied: “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38s.”

 

(Acts 2:38, The Message)

Peter said, “Change your life. Turn to God and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins are forgiven. Receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

 

 

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Where is the BC?

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a vacation in the Upper Peninsula. She wrote a letter to the campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the “B.C.” Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. That “B.C.” really stumped him.

After worrying about it for several days, the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.

So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

“Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. This is really a very friendly community.”

 

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