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Archive | Joke of the Week

Who is going to move?


Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad


The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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What to choose?


An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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What did you say?


A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “ I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

“Do you have any grounds?” asked the attorney.

“Yeah, I got about 140 acres.”

“I mean do you have a case?”

“No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere,” replied the farmer.

“No you don’t understand,” said the attorney. “I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer smiled. “Yeah I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

“No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

“Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

“Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” asked the attorney.

“No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

“Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

The farmer shook his head. “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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The Moped and the Ferrari


A doctor buys a brand new Ferrari GTO that costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear window and wonders what it could be and then…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

He was feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

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The bus stop


Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

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Kid’s birthday party


A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She hired a caterer, band and a clown to entertain the kids.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

“I’ll ask him,” says the bum, then he shouts at his friend, “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”

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Safe to swim here?


While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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Trading up

A blonde filled her car with gas at a self-service gas station. After she had paid and driven away, she realized that she had left the gas cap on top of her car. She stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was gone.
She thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if she couldn’t find her own gas cap, she might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, she hadn’t been searching long when she found a gas cap. She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
She later told her husband about it. “You’ll be so proud of me!” she said. “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks!”

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Fire up those engines


A newspaper photographer was assigned to cover the wildfires raging through the California. The newspaper wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. The photographer realized that the smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level, so he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!’’

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment. Then he looked wide-eyed at the photographer. “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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