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Archive | Joke of the Week

Impressive Dinner

 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea. “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

 

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Cab driver and a nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

The man hesitates and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “When we get to my stop we will see what we can do.”

When the driver stops the cab, the nun gets into the front seat and plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. As she gets out, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun chuckles. “That’s OK, my name is Stan and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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Bear hunting preacher

 

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn’t move.

“Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of the bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet:

“Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive….”

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Forgive your enemies

 

 

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” he asked.

“I don’t have any,” she said.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three.”

“Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, “It’s easy. I just outlived them all!”

 

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Bear hunting

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

 

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Cutting the grass

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. There was always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Exercise Program

Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.

Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.

Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire.

Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.

Saturday: Pick up the pieces.

 

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Principal rounds

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions?

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked.

“Where exactly is your teacher?”

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

 

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Corvette joyride

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

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Paid for standing around

 

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. While walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

“Just how much are you being paid?” the owner demanded.

“A hundred dollars a week,” the young man replied.
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man, “Here is a week’s pay—now get out and don’t come back!”

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

“Tell me,” the boss asked him, “How long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied the warehouse manager. “He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.”

 

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