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Archive | Joke of the Week

Forgetfulness

 
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses. As she walked away, the old man called after her. “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too!”

 

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Things my mother taught me

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

 

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

You are going to get it when we get home!”

 

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

 

My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

 

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

 

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

 

My Mother taught me HUMOR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

 

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

 

My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You’re just like your father.”

 

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

 

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

 

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you…Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

 

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Time Off

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

 

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Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

 

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The wonders of hair spray

A man was driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but he was not in time. The basket of eggs and candy went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.

Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was very still. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny   and I think I killed it. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,  waved, hopped  another 50 yards and waved again.

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

 

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Future son-in-law


Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming as fast as he could go. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

“Listen,” said the man, “I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in!”

 

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What is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Then her father asked her, “Why did you decide to ask about this now?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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April Fools Day Office Pranks

 

1. Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say “I’m so sorry to hear you got fired !” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.

2. Use a 3M Post-it note placed underneath someone’s computer mouse – ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won’t work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!

3. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper (Great if you want to get fired !).

 

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Who is more important?

 

An alleged radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland many years ago:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you need to divert YOUR course.

Americans: (Sternly) This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

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A little Irish humor for St. Patrick’s Day

 

 

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a little short.

 

Q. Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?

A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

 

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

 

Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O’furniture!

 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?

A: A leper con.

 

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