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Archive | Joke of the Week

Safe to swim here?


While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” 

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. 

About halfway there he shouted to the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” 

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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Fire up those engines


A newspaper photographer was assigned to cover the wildfires raging through the California. The newspaper wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. The photographer realized that the smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level, so he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!’’ 

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.” 

“Why?” asked the pilot. 

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.” 

The pilot was silent for a moment. Then he looked wide-eyed at the photographer. “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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Jungle adventure


A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion sees him from a distance and thinks, “This guy looks edible, never seen one of his kind before!” 

So the lion rushes toward the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He loudly says, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and thinks, “Woah! This guy might be tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”

In a nearby treetop, a monkey had witnessed everything. The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey goes after the lion and tells him what really happened. 

The lion get angry and says, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together!”

So the lion starts rushing back to the dog with the monkey on his back. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the heck is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

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Coming and going

Three brothers, aged 96, 94, and 92, live together in the same house. 

One night the 96-year-old runs a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bathtub?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. 

He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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It’s fairy-tale time again


“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time…’?”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with, ‘If I am elected.’”

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No Novacaine


A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 

“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” 

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” 

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased—what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

The man’s widow listened intently to the preacher, then finally leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “You better go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa in there.”

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Wishes and dreams


After a restful night of sleep, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife with a big smile. “Happy anniversary,” he said.

“Oh! You shouldn’t have,” she said, and gave him a big kiss. “It’s a dream come true!”

She excitedly ripped open the package, only to find a book titled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

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Simple Operation


A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” asked an orderly.

The man stopped to catch his breath. “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The orderly smiled. “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The man’s eyes grew wide as he shook his head no. “Oh, she wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

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The Juggler


A state trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding.

“I’m a magician and juggler on my way to do a show for sick kids,” he explained, “and I don’t want to be late.”

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket. 

“I sent my equipment ahead and don’t have anything to juggle,” said the man. 

“I have some flares in my trunk,” said the trooper. “Do you think you could juggle them?”

“Sure,” said the man. 

So the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and sat there for a minute. Then a man (who was obviously drunk) got out, staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. 

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing. 

“You might as well take my butt to jail,” said the drunk, “’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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