Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

A 67-year-old woman went to the doctor’s office and her doctor if he would give her birth control pills. “Birth control pills!” said the doctor with a laugh, “I don’t think you need to worry about birth control at your age.”

“Oh, but they help me sleep better,” explained the woman.

“How on earth do birth control pills help you sleep better?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” she explained, “I put one in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep so much better.”

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

Two senior citizens, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol…Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”

“That’s great!” says Sol. “What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

“You’re pitching on Friday.”

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.”

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian’s office. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet duck has passed away.”

“Are you sure?” the distressed owner wailed.

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, I am 100 percent sure this is a dead duck.”

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and couldn’t believe her eyes. “$150 to tell me my duck is dead? What was so expensive?” she demanded.

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.00.”

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since she sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. They have a wonderful time.

As they say goodnight, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. He readily agrees.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

“No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Septic truck sign

This guy had an awful day ice fishing on the lake, sitting in the freezing cold all day, without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the guy behind the meat case, “Hey Joe, pick out four large catfish and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” he asked.

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay,” said Joe, “but I suggest that you “catch” the orange roughy.”

“Why?” asked the guy, with a puzzled look on his face.

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to “catch” orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th?

A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?

A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?

A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

A: Antelope.

Knock, Knock!

Who’s there?

Olive!

Olive who?

Olive you!