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Archive | Joke of the Week

Time Off

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?” asked his friend.

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Where do you think?” the man replied. “I can’t work in the dark!”

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St. Patrick’s Day humor

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

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Pretend Matrimony

 

On a long train trip where bunk beds were provided to passengers, a man and a woman were to sleep in a birth with two beds, one on top and one on the bottom. The man asked the woman which bunk she prefered and she said she would be fine with the bottom bunk. So he took the top. After that, they proceeded to go to sleep. A moment later, the man said to the woman, “Could I ask you a favor and get me a blanket?”

The woman said, “Well, would you mind if I pretended we were married?”

A little confused, but intrigued, the man replied, “Sure!”

To this the woman replied, “Get your own */%# blanket!”

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Fast driver

 

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

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Marriage wakeup coffee

 

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

David nodded. “I know. It’s great.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged. Barb remarked again on David’s loving parents and how nice it was for his dad to serve his mom coffee in bed each morning. “Hopefully the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” she said, and winked.

David smiled. “You won’t be disappointed,” he said. “It runs in the family.”

The couple was soon married, and upon waking on that first morning as David’s wife, Barb woke up expecting to smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Instead, her husband was snoring loudly beside her.

She shook him awake. “How about that coffee?”

“Two creams, one sugar,” he mumbled.

“No, I mean, why aren’t you getting me coffee?” asked Barb. “I thought you said it runs in the family.”

“It does,” replied a groggy David. “And I take after my mom.”

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Walking on water

 

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Noon rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, “That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?”

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on in amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. The pastor is even more amazed. He thinks again, if his deacons are holy enough to walk on water, surely he can!

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

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Gratitude

 

A post office employee had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came through his hands addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 87-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. I invited two friends over for Christmas dinner next week. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to the other workers. Each dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96. They put the money into an envelope and sent it to the woman. All the rest of the day the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she’d be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter arrived at the post office from the same old lady, addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

“Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told them of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those guys at the post office.”

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The missing car

 

After spending a couple of hours in the store, a woman couldn’t find her car keys. They weren’t in her purse or pocket. She panicked as she realized she must’ve left them in the car. Frantically she headed for the parking lot. Her husband had scolded her many times about leaving the keys in the ignition. “It will get stolen!” he would yell. She raced toward the spot she usually parked, and her heart dropped. Her husband was right. That side of the parking lot was empty, and her car was nowhere to be seen.

Tears welled in her eyes. “How could I have been so stupid?” she thought.

The woman walked back to the entrance of the store and called the police.

“We will put out an APB on your car,” said the nice policeman on the other end of the phone. We’ll let you know if we find it.”

The woman realized she was going to have to call her husband, but dreaded it. So she went back inside the store to the little coffee shop. She sat and drank a cup of coffee while trying to find the courage to call him.

After about a half hour, she pulled out her phone, and with a heavy heart she dialed his number. “Hello!” said a gruff voice on the other end.

The woman swallowed hard then broke the news as fast as she could. “Dear, I know you’ve told me a million times not to leave the keys in the car and I didn’t mean to but I did and now the car’s been stolen and I called the police and they are looking for it.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end. The woman could feel her heart pounding in her ears.

“Are you kidding me?” barked her husband. “I dropped you off!”

The woman felt like an idiot. She had totally forgotten. “Oh…that’s right,” she stammered. Embarrassed she asked, “Well, would you come and get me now?”

“I will!” he retorted. “Just as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal your darn car!”

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Sobriety test

 

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance, then staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper saw him and went over and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The man laughed and said, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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Parachute training

 

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for a minute and said, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

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