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Archive | Joke of the Week

Learned from a snowman

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

• It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

• Wearing white is always appropriate.

• Winter is the best of the four seasons.

• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

• There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

• We’re all made up of mostly water.

• You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

• Avoid yellow snow.

• Don’t get too much sun.

• It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

• It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

• Always put your best foot forward.

• There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

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Christmas funnies

 

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

A. Santa Clues!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it “soots” him!

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?

A. He came down with tinsel-itis.

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?

A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do lions sing at Christmas?

A. Jungle bells!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

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Button Nose

ENT-Joke-50-photo

Frosty opted for a button nose after he and Rudolph had a falling out.

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Cheap skates

 

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated. “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Out of the loop

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well,” she told the caller. “We expect he’ll be released in the morning.”

“Very good, thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

The man chuckled. “This is Mr. Norton. The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Thanksgiving fun

 

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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Adventures in eating

 

A couple went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered the “Chicken Surprise.”

The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He didn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what happened, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

“Ah! So solly,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck!”

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Yard sale anger

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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Who is going to move?

 

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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