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Archive | Joke of the Week

Just cut your hair first

 

A young man comes home and says, “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

“But, dad,” says the son, “Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes, son, you’re perfectly right,” says his father, “and he walked everywhere he went.”

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Say cheese

 

When Tom went to get his driver’s license renewed, the local Secretary of State Office was packed. 

The line inched along for almost an hour before he finally got his photo taken and his license renewed.

When Tom got his license in the mail, he decided he didn’t like his photo, so he went back to the Secretary of State to complain. 

“I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture,” he griped to the clerk.

The clerk looked at his picture closely. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Fishing on the lake

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

 “Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.” 

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Lifeboat

 

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around and then thought hard what he should wish for. “I have no one at home waiting for me, so maybe I should ask for money and hope a boat picks me up. Or, maybe I should ask for a beautiful woman to marry,” he said to the genie. 

The genie looked bored. “C’mon! Make up your mind!” he urged. 

“Oh, I don’t know what to wish for!” cried the man in frustration. “I wish my friends were here to help me decide!”

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Things my mother taught me

 

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

You are going to get it when we get home!”

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You’re just like your father.”

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you…Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

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Deadly encounters

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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Final exams

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it. 

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. 

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

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Time Off 

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one. 

“How are you going to do that?” 

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.” 

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory. 

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted. 

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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Doing the right thing

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Genealogy

 

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” 

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” 

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

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