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Archive | Joke of the Week

Rest in Peace

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, ‘Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

 

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New convert help

 

Tom was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave Tom a list of ten people who hadn’t been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, “What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church.”

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, “Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I’ve missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J.  B.  Jones, M.D.

 

P.S.  – Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one ‘t’ in dirty and no ‘c’ in skunk?”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

 

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Blind date slap

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”

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Impressive Dinner

 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea. “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

 

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Cab driver and a nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

The man hesitates and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “When we get to my stop we will see what we can do.”

When the driver stops the cab, the nun gets into the front seat and plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. As she gets out, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun chuckles. “That’s OK, my name is Stan and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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Bear hunting preacher

 

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn’t move.

“Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of the bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet:

“Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive….”

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Forgive your enemies

 

 

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” he asked.

“I don’t have any,” she said.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three.”

“Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, “It’s easy. I just outlived them all!”

 

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Bear hunting

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

 

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Cutting the grass

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. There was always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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