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Archive | Joke of the Week

What is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Then her father asked her, “Why did you decide to ask about this now?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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April Fools Day Office Pranks

 

1. Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say “I’m so sorry to hear you got fired !” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.

2. Use a 3M Post-it note placed underneath someone’s computer mouse – ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won’t work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!

3. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper (Great if you want to get fired !).

 

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Who is more important?

 

An alleged radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland many years ago:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you need to divert YOUR course.

Americans: (Sternly) This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

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A little Irish humor for St. Patrick’s Day

 

 

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a little short.

 

Q. Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?

A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

 

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

 

Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O’furniture!

 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?

A: A leper con.

 

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Doing it yourself

 

When a guy’s computer began to run slow, he called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed him that the computer probably needed to be cleaned of malware and viruses, as well as dust.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the computer manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by the man’s candor, the caller asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied with a chuckle. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Expiration dates

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

 

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Coverup Catch

 

This guy had an awful day ice fishing on the lake, sitting in the freezing cold all day, without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the guy behind the meat case, “Hey Joe, pick out four large catfish and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” he asked.

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay,” said Joe, “but I suggest that you ‘catch’ the orange roughy.”

“Why?” asked the guy, with a puzzled look on his face.

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to ‘catch’ orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”

 

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Valentine’s Day jokes

 

What did the Valentine’s day card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and you’ll go places!

 

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hogs and kisses!

 

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?

“I love you with all my art!”

 

What is the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date on Valentine’s day.

 

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

 

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

“I’ve got a crutch on you!”

 

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

 

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts!

 

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

I’m sweet on you!”

 

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche!

 

What did one pickle say to the other?

“You mean a great dill to me.”

 

What did one oar say to the other?

“Can I interest you in a little row-mance?”

 

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn’t suit his taste!

 

 

 

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Football makes sense

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl—her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”

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The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Soon after, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her, and she got up and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

The woman’s friend stared at her. “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”

The friend’s mouth dropped open. “You mean to tell me you actually put the money in there?!

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”

Thanks to Gordon Welch for this joke. He gave it to us 6 years ago. RIP Gordon. We miss your weekly visits.

 

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