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Archive | Joke of the Week

Write it down

 

There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them.

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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A Grizzly conversion

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it.

Later they got together. The priest began with his story: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” said the rabbi, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Punnies

 

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

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Ten common fishing terms explained 

 

Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.

Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

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What to choose?

 

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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Good Old Days

 

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

“When I was a kid,” he told me, “my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans…all for a dollar!”

My eyes grew wide in amazement. “Wow!” I said.

Then Grandpa shook his head sadly. “You can’t do that anymore… they got those new-fangled video cameras everywhere you look.”

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Principal rounds

 

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions?

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked.

“Where exactly is your teacher?”

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

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The bus stop

 

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

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Expiration dates

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked NO REFILLS!”

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The Black Snake

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. About a half hour later, he trudged back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

Jed struggled to catch his breath. “I was chased by a black snake!”

The camper laughed. “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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