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Archive | Joke of the Week

Fast driver

 

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

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Marriage wakeup coffee

 

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

David nodded. “I know. It’s great.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged. Barb remarked again on David’s loving parents and how nice it was for his dad to serve his mom coffee in bed each morning. “Hopefully the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” she said, and winked.

David smiled. “You won’t be disappointed,” he said. “It runs in the family.”

The couple was soon married, and upon waking on that first morning as David’s wife, Barb woke up expecting to smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Instead, her husband was snoring loudly beside her.

She shook him awake. “How about that coffee?”

“Two creams, one sugar,” he mumbled.

“No, I mean, why aren’t you getting me coffee?” asked Barb. “I thought you said it runs in the family.”

“It does,” replied a groggy David. “And I take after my mom.”

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Walking on water

 

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Noon rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, “That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?”

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on in amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. The pastor is even more amazed. He thinks again, if his deacons are holy enough to walk on water, surely he can!

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

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Gratitude

 

A post office employee had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came through his hands addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 87-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. I invited two friends over for Christmas dinner next week. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to the other workers. Each dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96. They put the money into an envelope and sent it to the woman. All the rest of the day the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she’d be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter arrived at the post office from the same old lady, addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

“Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told them of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those guys at the post office.”

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The missing car

 

After spending a couple of hours in the store, a woman couldn’t find her car keys. They weren’t in her purse or pocket. She panicked as she realized she must’ve left them in the car. Frantically she headed for the parking lot. Her husband had scolded her many times about leaving the keys in the ignition. “It will get stolen!” he would yell. She raced toward the spot she usually parked, and her heart dropped. Her husband was right. That side of the parking lot was empty, and her car was nowhere to be seen.

Tears welled in her eyes. “How could I have been so stupid?” she thought.

The woman walked back to the entrance of the store and called the police.

“We will put out an APB on your car,” said the nice policeman on the other end of the phone. We’ll let you know if we find it.”

The woman realized she was going to have to call her husband, but dreaded it. So she went back inside the store to the little coffee shop. She sat and drank a cup of coffee while trying to find the courage to call him.

After about a half hour, she pulled out her phone, and with a heavy heart she dialed his number. “Hello!” said a gruff voice on the other end.

The woman swallowed hard then broke the news as fast as she could. “Dear, I know you’ve told me a million times not to leave the keys in the car and I didn’t mean to but I did and now the car’s been stolen and I called the police and they are looking for it.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end. The woman could feel her heart pounding in her ears.

“Are you kidding me?” barked her husband. “I dropped you off!”

The woman felt like an idiot. She had totally forgotten. “Oh…that’s right,” she stammered. Embarrassed she asked, “Well, would you come and get me now?”

“I will!” he retorted. “Just as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal your darn car!”

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Sobriety test

 

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, watched the performance, then staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper saw him and went over and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The man laughed and said, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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Parachute training

 

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for a minute and said, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

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Short Snow Jokes

 

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What’s an ig?

An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?

By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Frost bite!

What do you call an Eskimo cow?

An Eskimoo!

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Diary of a snow shoveler

 

December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

December 12:The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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The cure for lateness

 

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

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