Kids say the darnedest things

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
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I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
Finally she sighed, tired of the game and looked me straight in the eye. “Grandma,” she scolded, “I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

Q: What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

A: The Fodder of Our Country!

Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?

A: Nothing. It just waved!

Q: What’s red, white, blue, and gross?

A: Uncle Spam!

Q: What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

A: Liberty!

Q: What was General Washington’s favorite tree?

A: The infantry!

Q: What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

A: The Boston Flea Party!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small  curly-haired dog?

A: Yankee Poodle!

Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

A: The Americans licked the British!

Q: Which colonists  told the most jokes?

A: Punsylvanians!

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life—WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache!

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1971,” he answered. “Why?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

Do you have a funny, family-friendly joke you would like to share? Please email it to us with the word “joke” in the subject line to news@charter.net.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,

“I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is? An an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Joke submitted by LeRoy Hale

Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

“Oh, it wasn’t that,” explained the boy, “she ate all the bait!”

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”