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Archive | Joke of the Week

Do Something Nice

 

Unable to attend the funeral when his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

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Christmas jokes

 

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. 
“Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe. “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!” 

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him!

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?
A. He went down with tinsel-itis. 

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Thanksgiving fun

 

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: It was the chicken’s day off.

Q: Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?

A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?

A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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Traveling too light

 

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. 

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.

“No, I really wish you had,” he groaned.  “I left the tickets on it.”

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Yard sale anger

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale. As she picked up a blue vase and studied it, she said to her friend, “My husband is going to be really mad I stopped at your yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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The nun and the cab driver

 

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”. 

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” 

The man hesitates and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.” 

The nun smiles. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.” 

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” 

“OK,” the nun says. “When we get to my stop we will see what we can do.” 

When the driver stops the cab, the nun gets into the front seat and plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. As she gets out, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?” 

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” 

The nun chuckles. “That’s OK, my name is Stan and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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Discount travel

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.  

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.  

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.  

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

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Rest in Peace

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

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Cookies in Heaven

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed, when he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He followed the smell, and finally leaned against the doorframe and gazed into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. Hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies were spread out on the kitchen table. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. The aged and withered hand trembled as he reached for a cookie at the edge of the table. Just as his hand closed over the cookie, his wife smacked his hand with a spatula.

“Stay out of those!” she scolded. “They’re for the funeral.”

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The Moped and the Ferrari

 

A doctor buys a brand new Ferrari GTO that costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear window and wonders what it could be and then…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

He was feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

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