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Archive | Joke of the Week

Beauty and cosmetics

 

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking her over carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Todd interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Supporting a family

 

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father.

“There are twelve of us…”

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A tangled web we weave

 

A police officer pulled over a woman who had been speeding.

She didn’t have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she pulled it out, and while keeping one eye on the approaching officer in her rearview mirror, she fumbled with it until it clicked into place. She then breathed a sigh of relief, rolled down the window, and smiled sweetly at the officer now standing next to her car.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”

“Yes, I do, officer,” she replied, nodding her head vigorously.

“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always wear it looped through your steering wheel?”

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Discount travel

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

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Baseball in heaven

 

Two senior citizens, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol…Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”

“That’s great!” says Sol. “What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

“You’re pitching on Friday.”

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Learned from a snowman

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

  • It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
  • Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
  • Wearing white is always appropriate.
  • Winter is the best of the four seasons.
  • It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
  • There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
  • We’re all made up of mostly water.
  • You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
  • Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
  • Avoid yellow snow.
  • Don’t get too much sun.
  • It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
  • It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
  • Always put your best foot forward.
  • There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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Weather forecaster

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

If you can’t see the dog but hear him barking, it’s probably a blizzard.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

 

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Learned from a snowman

 

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

•It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

•Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

•Wearing white is always appropriate.

•Winter is the best of the four seasons.

•It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

•There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

•We’re all made up of mostly water.

•You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

•Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

•Avoid yellow snow.

•Don’t get too much sun.

•It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

•It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

•Always put your best foot forward.

•There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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Honesty is the best policy

 

 

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

The reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

 

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Christmas riddles

 

 

What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake!

 

What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

 

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

 

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas one has no L (Noel)!

 

What won’t fit through the door at Christmas?
The three wide men!

 

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

 

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
He was stuffed!

 

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snow ball!

 

What carol is heard in the desert?
Camel ye faithful!

 

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells!

 

What is Santa’s dog called?
Santa Paws!

 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!

 

What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
Santa Pause!

 

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!

 

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo.

 

How does Santa take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

 

Who is Santa’s most famous elf?
Elfvis!

 

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