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Archive | Joke of the Week



After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around. “Gee, I’m kind of lonely,” he said. “I wish my friends were here with me.”

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Buy a verdict


Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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The Juggler


A state trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding.

“I’m a magician and juggler on my way to do a show for sick kids,” he explained, “and I don’t want to be late.”

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

“I sent my equipment ahead and don’t have anything to juggle,” said the man.

“I have some flares in my trunk,” said the trooper. “Do you think you could juggle them?”

“Sure,” said the man.

So the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and sat there for a minute. Then a man (who was obviously drunk) got out, staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing.

“You might as well take my butt to jail,” said the drunk, “’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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Secret of life


A woman was walking down a residential street, and noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.

“Hello there! I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he replied. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise.”

“Wow!” The woman was amazed. “How old are you?” she asked.

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

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While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses. As she walked away, the old man called after her. “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too!”

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Smile for the DMV


When Tom went to get his driver’s license renewed, the local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour before he finally got his photo taken and his license renewed.

When Tom got his license in the mail, he decided he didn’t like his photo, so he went back to the DMV to complain.

“I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture,” he griped to the clerk.

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Black snake


It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes, he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

Jed groaned. “He is if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff!”

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Final exams


At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

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Doing the right thing


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Golf definitions


GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites – the world’s slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation – you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
[1] a person who yells “fore,” takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman – he doesn’t have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

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