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Archive | Joke of the Week

Football makes sense

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl—her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”

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The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Soon after, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her, and she got up and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

The woman’s friend stared at her. “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”

The friend’s mouth dropped open. “You mean to tell me you actually put the money in there?!

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”

Thanks to Gordon Welch for this joke. He gave it to us 6 years ago. RIP Gordon. We miss your weekly visits.

 

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Laundry comments

 

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder how that happened?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

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What’s for dinner?

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’”

 

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Pants dilemma

 

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”

 

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Hiccup cure

A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

“What’d you do that for?” the man complained.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

“No,” the man replied, “but my wife, whose waiting in the car, still does!”

 

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Diary of a snow shoveler

December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

December 12: The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20°F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9” predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

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Christmas riddles

 

 

What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake!

 

What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

 

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

 

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas one has no L (Noel)!

 

What won’t fit through the door at Christmas?
The three wide men!

 

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

 

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
He was stuffed!

 

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

 

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snow ball!

 

What carol is heard in the dessert?
Camel ye faithful!

 

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells!

 

What is Santa’s dog called?
Santa Paws!

 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!

 

What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
Santa Pause!

 

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!

 

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo.

 

How does Santa take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

 

Who is Santa’s most famous elf?
Elfvis!

 

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Crocheted dolls

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Tennis ball lesson

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning and removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would put it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one understood why he did this.

Then one day, a student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, and removed a baseball. No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

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