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Archive | Joke of the Week

The secret to long life

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Bear hunting

 

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

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Tired son

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

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Cops and Robbers

 

My next door neighbor had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys “shot” his mother and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead.”

She slumped to the ground and when she didn’t get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, “Shhh! Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest all day.”

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Tired son

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

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Right or wrong?

 

The other day, a man and his wife got into a petty argument. Neither would admit the possibility that they might be in error.

The wife finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.”

“Fine,” said her husband.

She took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and said, “I’m wrong.”

Her husband grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

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What a hoot

 

Each evening, bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, near some woods, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.” He just knew he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, when he caught the flu and had to be in bed for several days.

After 3 days of being in bed, Tom’s neighbor, Bob, came over to cheer him up. Tom was feeling a little stronger, so they went outside and sat on Tom’s deck.

“I’ve really missed being out here with the owls,” said Tom. “It’s been 3 days since I’ve been able to talk to them.”

“I know what you mean,” said Bob. “There’s one owl that visits the woods behind our house almost every night. I never see him, but he loves to talk. I think he even answers me.”

“Really?” asked Tom. “It must be the same one that talks to me.”

“Could be,” said Bob. “The only problem is it stopped answering me 3 days ago.”

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Walking recovery 

 

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients get up and walk in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and they had been lucky to get him in time.

“But doctor, you don’t understand,” they said, “Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!”

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Sunday driver

 

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single word this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer,” said the woman. “We just got off Route 119.”

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Time Off

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?” asked his friend.

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Where do you think?” the man replied. “I can’t work in the dark!”

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