Septic truck sign

This guy had an awful day ice fishing on the lake, sitting in the freezing cold all day, without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the guy behind the meat case, “Hey Joe, pick out four large catfish and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” he asked.

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay,” said Joe, “but I suggest that you “catch” the orange roughy.”

“Why?” asked the guy, with a puzzled look on his face.

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to “catch” orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th?

A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?

A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?

A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

A: Antelope.

Knock, Knock!

Who’s there?

Olive!

Olive who?

Olive you!

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who teaches the class?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the instructor we took the memory class from?”

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
The little boy had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t much easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
“Oh!” he remarked, with a toothless grin. “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots!”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” stated the little girl.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What’s an ig?
An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce ?
A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite !

What do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….
•    It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
•    Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
•    Wearing white is always appropriate.
•    Winter is the best of the four seasons.
•    It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
•    There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
•    We’re all made up of mostly water.
•    You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
•    Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
•    Avoid yellow snow.
•    Don’t get too much sun.
•    It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
•    It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
•    Always put your best foot forward.
•    There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.