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Archive | Joke of the Week

Impressive Dinner

 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea. “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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Supporting a family

 

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

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Impressive Dinner

 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea. “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

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Future son-in-law

 

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming as fast as he could go. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

“Listen,” said the man, “I don’t want your money!

And I don’t want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in!”

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Paid for standing around

 

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. While walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

“Just how much are you being paid?” the owner demanded.

“A hundred dollars a week,” the young man replied.
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man, “Here is a week’s pay—now get out and don’t come back!”

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

“Tell me,” the boss asked him, “How long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied the warehouse manager. “He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.”

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A great job

 

A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what?  I’ve found a great job.  A 10 a.m.  start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”

“That’s great,” his wife said.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”

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Airplane ride

 

A farmer and his wife went to the fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!”

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Annual neologism contest 

 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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Where is the BC?

 

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a vacation in the Upper Peninsula. She wrote a letter to the campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the “B.C.” Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. That “B.C.” really stumped him.
After worrying about it for several days, the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.
So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

“Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. This is really a very friendly community.”

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