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Archive | Joke of the Week

Deadly encounters

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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Final exams

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it. 

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. 

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

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Time Off 

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one. 

“How are you going to do that?” 

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.” 

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory. 

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted. 

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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Doing the right thing

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Genealogy

 

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” 

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” 

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

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The wonders of hair spray

A man was driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but he was not in time. The basket of eggs and candy went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the Bunny carrying the basket. 

Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was very still. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side
of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.
 
“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and I think I killed it. What should I do?”
 
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can on to the little furry animal.
 
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned and waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again.
 
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can?” 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
“Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

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Who is more important?

 

An alleged radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland many years ago:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Canadians: No. I say again, you need to divert YOUR course. 

Americans: (Sternly) This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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A little Irish humor for St. Patrick’s Day

 

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q. Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?

A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O’furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?

A: A leper con.

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Doing it yourself

 

When a guy’s computer began to run slow, he called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed him that the computer probably needed to be cleaned of malware and viruses, as well as dust.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the computer manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by the man’s candor, the caller asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied with a chuckle. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Expiration dates

 

 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. 

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” 

 “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. 

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

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