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Archive | Joke of the Week

Write it down

 

There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them. 

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. 

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” 

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. 

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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The nun and the cab driver

 

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”. 

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” 

The man hesitates and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.” 

The nun smiles. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.” 

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” 

“OK,” the nun says. “When we get to my stop we will see what we can do.” 

When the driver stops the cab, the nun gets into the front seat and plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. As she gets out, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?” 

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” 

The nun chuckles. “That’s OK, my name is Stan and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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Yard sale anger

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read, “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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It’s a bug’s life

 

Q: Who do you call when mosquitoes attack? 

A: The SWAT team.

Q: What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect? 

A: The Masked-quito! 

Q: What has antlers and sucks blood? 

A: A moose-quito! 

Q: What is a mosquito’s favorite sport? 

A: Skin-diving! 

Q: How do mosquitos show they are religious? 

A: They prey on you! 

Q: Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? 

A: To improve his bite! 

Q: How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? 

A: You slap him and he slaps you back! 

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What did you say?

 

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” 

The farmer said, “ I want to get one of those dayvorces.” 

“Do you have any grounds?” asked the attorney.

“Yeah, I got about 140 acres.” 

“I mean do you have a case?” 

“No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere,” replied the farmer.

 “No you don’t understand,” said the attorney. “I mean do you have a grudge?” 

 The farmer smiled. “Yeah I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.” 

“No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” 

“Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” 

“Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” asked the attorney.

“No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” 

“Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” 

The farmer shook his head. “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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A prickly situation

 

A local veterinarian in a small town in Maine was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. 

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. 

“Fifteen dollars, Ma’am,” he answered. 

“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you Maine people, you’re always trying to over charge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when you’re not gypping tourists?” 

The vet smiled at the woman. “I raise porcupines, Ma’am.”

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The bus stop

 

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

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Safe to swim here?

 

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” 

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. 

About halfway there he shouted to the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” 

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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Fire up those engines

 

A newspaper photographer was assigned to cover the wildfires raging through the California. The newspaper wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. The photographer realized that the smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level, so he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!’’ 

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.” 

“Why?” asked the pilot. 

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.” 

The pilot was silent for a moment. Then he looked wide-eyed at the photographer. “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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