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Archive | Joke of the Week

Out of the loop

 

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well. We expect he’ll be released in the morning,” the nurse answered cheerfully.

“That’s good,” said the caller, “thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

“This is Mr. Norton,” responded the man gruffly. “The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Yes, we have no chocolate

 

 

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”

The girl behind the counter says, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” the man says, “I’ll have two scoops of the chocolate ice cream you have left.”

“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”

“Just give me some chocolate!” he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, “Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?”

The man says, “V-A-N.”

“Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry.”

“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Now,” the girl says, “spell STINK, as in chocolate.”

The man hesitates. Then he says, “There is no stink in chocolate!”

The girl smiles. “Exactly.”

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Traveling too light

 

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.

“No, I really wish you had,” he groaned.  “I left the tickets on it.”

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God will provide

 

 

A young woman brought home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.  So the father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I’m going to be a Bible scholar.” he replies.

“A Bible scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

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Yard sale anger

 

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale. As she picked up a blue vase and studied it, she said to her friend, “My husband is going to be really mad I stopped at your yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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Pick a hymn

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

The offering plates were passed, then brought to the front and placed on the altar. The pastor was about to pray over them when he glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering! He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A sweet little old lady sitting in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. When she did, he told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened and a big grin spread across her face as she looked out over the congregation. She then pointed to the three most handsome men in the pews and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

 

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The haircut

A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get a hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row—the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

 

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What to choose?

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

 

 

 

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What did you say?

 

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “ I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

“Do you have any grounds?” asked the attorney.

“Yeah, I got about 140 acres.”

“I mean do you have a case?”

“No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere,” replied the farmer.

“No you don’t understand,” said the attorney. “I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer smiled. “Yeah I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

“No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

“Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

“Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” asked the attorney.

“No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

“Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

The farmer shook his head. “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

 

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