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Archive | Joke of the Week

Losing the shirt off your back

 

A woman who played cards one night each month with a group of friends was concerned because she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night after cards, she did her best not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.

“Good grief woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

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Trucker lingo

 

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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The Vacuum Test

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

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Landing Check

 

A man was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. He had little experience flying in small planes, and was nervous when they approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While the man’s heart pounded, the passenger beside him seemed calm.

“I wonder why he didn’t land,” said the nervous man.

“He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” said the man sitting beside him.

As they made a second approach, the nervous man glanced out the window.  “It looks plowed to me,” he said.

“No,” said his seatmate. “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”

“How can you tell?” asked the nervous man.

“Because,” said the man, “I’m the guy who drives the plow.”

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Fourth-grade logic

 

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

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Septic truck sign

ENT-Joke-4-16-photo

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Jogging your memory

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who teaches the class?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the instructor we took the memory class from?”

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Short Snow Jokes

 

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What’s an ig?

An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?

By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Frost bite!

What do you call an Eskimo cow?

An Eskimoo !

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Learned from a snowman

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

• It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

• Wearing white is always appropriate.

• Winter is the best of the four seasons.

• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

• There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

• We’re all made up of mostly water.

• You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

• Avoid yellow snow.

• Don’t get too much sun.

• It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

• It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

• Always put your best foot forward.

• There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

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Christmas funnies

 

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

A. Santa Clues!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it “soots” him!

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?

A. He came down with tinsel-itis.

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?

A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do lions sing at Christmas?

A. Jungle bells!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

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