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Archive | Joke of the Week

Doing it yourself

 

When a guy’s computer began to run slow, he called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed him that the computer probably needed to be cleaned of malware and viruses, as well as dust.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the computer manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by the man’s candor, the caller asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied with a chuckle. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Expiration dates

 

 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. 

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” 

 “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. 

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

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Horseback riding humor

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. 

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. 

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. 

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her  head is struck against the ground over and over… As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… The store manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

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Shovel it in

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

 

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Football makes sense 

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl—her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!” 

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The Obedient Wife

 

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Soon after, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her, and she got up and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. 

The woman’s friend stared at her. “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”

The friend’s mouth dropped open. “You mean to tell me you actually put the money in there?! 

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”

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Laundry comments

 

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.” 

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder how that happened?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

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What’s for dinner?

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’”

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Memory Clinic

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.”

“That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!”

Fred turned to his wife.

“Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”

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Penny problems

 

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.  He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

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