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Archive | Joke of the Week

Kid’s birthday party

 

 

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She hired a caterer, band and a clown to entertain the kids.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

“I’ll ask him,” says the bum, then he shouts at his friend, “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”

 

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Ten common fishing terms explained 

 

Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.

 

Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

 

Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 

Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

 

Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

 

Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

 

School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

 

Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

 

Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

 

Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

 

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 Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

ENT-chicken

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

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No Novacaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

 

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The Sword of the Spirit 

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and shouts: “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.”
The cop turned to the burglar: “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied: “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38s.”

 

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Joke of the week

God will provide

A young woman brought home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.  So the father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I’m going to be a Bible scholar.” he replies.

“A Bible scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

 

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Fathers and business

 

Four businessmen were sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes out and says to the first businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had one baby.”

The man says, “What a coincidence! I’m the president of One-stop home improvement!”

The nurse goes away for awhile, and then comes back and says to the second businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had twins!”

“What a coincidence!” says the man. “I’m the owner of the Minnesota Twins!”

The nurse goes away again, and then comes back and says to the third businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!”

“Wow!” the man says, “What a coincidence! I work for Triple AAA!”

The nurse turns to leave the room and hears a muffled sob in the corner. She turns and sees the fourth businessman rocking back and forth in his chair crying.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. “Why are you crying?”

The man stares at her with red-rimmed eyes and wails, “I work for Seven Up!”

 

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Just cut your hair first

 

 

A young man comes home and says, “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

“But, dad,” says the son, “Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes, son, you’re perfectly right,” says his father, “and he walked everywhere he went.”

 

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Final exams

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

 

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Deadly encounters

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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