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Archive | Joke of the Week

Diary of a snow shoveler


December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. 

December 12:The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. 

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Foreign Pizza


An American businessman traveled to Japan on a business trip. He was afraid to try Japanese food, so he asked the concierge at his hotel if there was any place around where he could get American food.

The concierge told him he was in luck—that there was a pizza place that just opened and they deliver.  The concierge gave the businessman the phone number, and he went back to his room and ordered a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy showed up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman took the pizza, and started sneezing uncontrollably. Between sneezes, he asked the delivery driver, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery driver deeply and said, “We put on the pizza what you ordered—pepper only.”

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Jogging your memory


An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who teaches the class?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”



“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the instructor we took the memory class from?”

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Who’s in Charge

Two dogs and a cat died and went to heaven. 

They all arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, and St. Peter was there to greet them. They could see the Lord sitting on his throne behind St. Peter.

St. Peter spoke to the German Shepherd first. “Tell me what you have done in your life that qualifies you to enter heaven?”

“All of my life I loved my master, served my master, and protected my master,” explained the German Shepherd.

“You have done well,” said St. Peter. “You may enter and sit on the right hand of the Lord.”

The dog trotted in and took up his post.

St. Peter then asked the Black Labrador the same question.

The Lab gave her answer. “All of my life I, too, loved my master, served my master, and protected my master,” she said.

Then came the cat’s turn, but he only seemed interested in the scene behind St. Peter. “What’s the matter?” asked St. Peter.

The cat pointed at the Lord. “He’s sitting in my chair.”

St. Peter nodded. “You, too, have done well. You may go sit on the left hand of the Lord.”


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Dishwasher Repair

Mrs. Smith’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Smith’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!”

To which the parrot replied: “GET HIM, Brutus!!”

This Joke of the Week is brought to you by Classic Kelly’s

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Learned from a snowman


All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman…. 

• It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

• Wearing white is always appropriate.

• Winter is the best of the four seasons.

• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

• There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

• We’re all made up of mostly water.

• You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

• Avoid yellow snow.

• Don’t get too much sun.

• It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

• It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

• Always put your best foot forward.

• There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

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Christmas riddles

• What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!

• What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
Santa Pause!

• What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!

• What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo.

• How does Santa take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

• Who is Santa’s most famous elf?
Elfvis!

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Cheap skates

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated. “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Out of the loop

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well,” she told the caller. “We expect he’ll be released in the morning.”

“Very good, thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

The man chuckled. “This is Mr. Norton. The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Thanksgiving fun

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.


Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks


Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.


Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot


Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.


Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!


Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.


Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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