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Archive | Joke of the Week

Simple operation

 

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

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How to get to heaven

 

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“No!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.

Again, they all answered, “No!”

She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

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Songs, jokes, sad stories

 

Three men worked in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story—each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke.  As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, it was time for the third man to tell his last sad story. But he was silent all the way up to the 102nd floor.

“What’s the matter?” one of them asked. “Did you finally run out of stories to tell?”

They had stopped in front of their office door. “I definitely have a sad story,” he said, and hung his head. He turned tear-filled eyes on the other two men. “I forgot the key.”

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Tired farmer

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

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Fishing wife

 

Two women were having coffee, and one seemed especially upset.

“So, what’s the matter?” asked the woman’s friend. “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered, “and he is not happy with me.”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.”

“That doesn’t seem like much to be upset about,” remarked her friend. “I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

The woman shook her head. “All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

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The secret to a long life

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Joke of the Week

Country refreshment

A man was on a long walk in the country. It got chilly as evening fell, and so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something hot to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife shook her head. “Ah, he’s not that friendly,” she said with a chuckle. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”

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And the cat came back

 

A man hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of it. So he put the cat in the car, and drove 20 blocks from home, and dropped it off in a strange neighborhood. By the time the man got home, the cat was already walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks away from his house, but the cat kept getting home before him. At last he decided to take a meandering path into the country—drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, then another right, then left, and so on, until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot, and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her if the cat was there.

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

“Put that cat on the phone,” grumbled the man. “I’m lost and I need directions.”

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Doing the right thing

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Joke of the Week: Genealogy (April 14, 2016)

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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