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Archive | Joke of the Week

Short Snow Jokes

 

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What’s an ig?

An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?

By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Frost bite!

What do you call an Eskimo cow?

An Eskimoo!

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Diary of a snow shoveler

 

December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

December 12:The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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The cure for lateness

 

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

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Rest in peace

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site with a card reading, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake. But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

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Thanksgiving fun

 

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

 

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

 

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

 

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

 

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

 

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

 

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

 

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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The pain of matrimony

 

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down clutching his side.

“Johnny, what is the matter?” she asked.

Little Johnny groaned and responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

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Church bulletin bloopers

 

Announcements found in church bulletins:

*Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

*The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

*We’ll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, “The First Nowell.”

*Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

*Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

*The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, “Find the gun.” They had a great time.

*The Pastor’s Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

*Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.

*Our Senior’s group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

*What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

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Write it down

 

There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them.

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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A Grizzly conversion

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it.

Later they got together. The priest began with his story: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” said the rabbi, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Punnies

 

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

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