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Archive | Joke of the Week

Joke of the week

God will provide

A young woman brought home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.  So the father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I’m going to be a Bible scholar.” he replies.

“A Bible scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

 

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Fathers and business

 

Four businessmen were sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes out and says to the first businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had one baby.”

The man says, “What a coincidence! I’m the president of One-stop home improvement!”

The nurse goes away for awhile, and then comes back and says to the second businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had twins!”

“What a coincidence!” says the man. “I’m the owner of the Minnesota Twins!”

The nurse goes away again, and then comes back and says to the third businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!”

“Wow!” the man says, “What a coincidence! I work for Triple AAA!”

The nurse turns to leave the room and hears a muffled sob in the corner. She turns and sees the fourth businessman rocking back and forth in his chair crying.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. “Why are you crying?”

The man stares at her with red-rimmed eyes and wails, “I work for Seven Up!”

 

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Just cut your hair first

 

 

A young man comes home and says, “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

“But, dad,” says the son, “Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes, son, you’re perfectly right,” says his father, “and he walked everywhere he went.”

 

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Final exams

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

 

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Deadly encounters

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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Fishing on the lake

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

 

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Forgetfulness

 
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses. As she walked away, the old man called after her. “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too!”

 

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Things my mother taught me

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

 

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

You are going to get it when we get home!”

 

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

 

My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

 

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

 

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

 

My Mother taught me HUMOR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

 

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

 

My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You’re just like your father.”

 

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

 

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

 

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you…Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

 

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Time Off

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

 

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Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

 

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