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Archive | Joke of the Week

Losing the shirt off your back

Losing the shirt off your back

A woman who played cards one night each month with a group of friends was concerned because she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. 

One night after cards, she did her best not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.

“Good grief woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

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Doily Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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Hard of hearing

An elderly man noticed that his wife seemed to be losing her hearing, so he thought he would test it. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, sweetheart?” There was no reply. She just kept reading her book.

So this time he moved to 10 feet behind her and asked again if she could hear him. Still no reply.

He then moved a bit closer, to only 5 feet behind her and asked again. But she still didn’t answer.

This team he leaned over just few inches from her ear and asked, “Can you hear me now, honey?”

His wife slammed the book shut and sighed in frustration. “For the fourth time, yes, I can hear you!”

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Baseball in heaven

Two senior citizens, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol…Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”

“That’s great!” says Sol. “What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

“You’re pitching on Friday.”

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The vacuum test

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

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Joke of the Week

Tea for two

When his mother visited with the neighbor next door, little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with her friend, she was surprised that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

“Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

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Diary of a snow shoveler

December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. 

December 12:The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. 

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Foreign Pizza

An American businessman traveled to Japan on a business trip. He was afraid to try Japanese food, so he asked the concierge at his hotel if there was any place around where he could get American food.

The concierge told him he was in luck—that there was a pizza place that just opened and they deliver.  The concierge gave the businessman the phone number, and he went back to his room and ordered a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy showed up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman took the pizza, and started sneezing uncontrollably. Between sneezes, he asked the delivery driver, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery driver deeply and said, “We put on the pizza what you ordered—pepper only.”

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Jogging your memory

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who teaches the class?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the instructor we took the memory class from?”

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Who’s in Charge

Two dogs and a cat died and went to heaven. 

They all arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, and St. Peter was there to greet them. They could see the Lord sitting on his throne behind St. Peter.

St. Peter spoke to the German Shepherd first. “Tell me what you have done in your life that qualifies you to enter heaven?”

“All of my life I loved my master, served my master, and protected my master,” explained the German Shepherd.

“You have done well,” said St. Peter. “You may enter and sit on the right hand of the Lord.”

The dog trotted in and took up his post.

St. Peter then asked the Black Labrador the same question.

The Lab gave her answer. “All of my life I, too, loved my master, served my master, and protected my master,” she said.

Then came the cat’s turn, but he only seemed interested in the scene behind St. Peter. “What’s the matter?” asked St. Peter.

The cat pointed at the Lord. “He’s sitting in my chair.”

St. Peter nodded. “You, too, have done well. You may go sit on the left hand of the Lord.”

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