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Archive | Joke of the Week

Learned from a snowman

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

  • It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
  • Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
  • Wearing white is always appropriate.
  • Winter is the best of the four seasons.
  • It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
  • There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
  • We’re all made up of mostly water.
  • You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
  • Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
  • Avoid yellow snow.
  • Don’t get too much sun.
  • It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
  • It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
  • Always put your best foot forward.
  • There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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Weather forecaster

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

If you can’t see the dog but hear him barking, it’s probably a blizzard.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

 

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Learned from a snowman

 

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

•It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

•Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

•Wearing white is always appropriate.

•Winter is the best of the four seasons.

•It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

•There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

•We’re all made up of mostly water.

•You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

•Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

•Avoid yellow snow.

•Don’t get too much sun.

•It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

•It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

•Always put your best foot forward.

•There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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Honesty is the best policy

 

 

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

The reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

 

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Christmas riddles

 

 

What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake!

 

What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

 

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

 

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas one has no L (Noel)!

 

What won’t fit through the door at Christmas?
The three wide men!

 

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

 

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
He was stuffed!

 

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snow ball!

 

What carol is heard in the desert?
Camel ye faithful!

 

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells!

 

What is Santa’s dog called?
Santa Paws!

 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
Santa Clues!

 

What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
Santa Pause!

 

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
He got 12 months!

 

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo.

 

How does Santa take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

 

Who is Santa’s most famous elf?
Elfvis!

 

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Racing against time

 

Two gas company workers—a senior training supervisor and a young trainee—were out checking meters in a city neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

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It’s all in the numbers

 

 

Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “Congratulations! You are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what’s wrong.

He moans. “I work for 7-Eleven!”

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Out of the loop

 

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well. We expect he’ll be released in the morning,” the nurse answered cheerfully.

“That’s good,” said the caller, “thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

“This is Mr. Norton,” responded the man gruffly. “The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Yes, we have no chocolate

 

 

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”

The girl behind the counter says, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” the man says, “I’ll have two scoops of the chocolate ice cream you have left.”

“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”

“Just give me some chocolate!” he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, “Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?”

The man says, “V-A-N.”

“Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry.”

“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Now,” the girl says, “spell STINK, as in chocolate.”

The man hesitates. Then he says, “There is no stink in chocolate!”

The girl smiles. “Exactly.”

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Traveling too light

 

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.

“No, I really wish you had,” he groaned.  “I left the tickets on it.”

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