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Archive | Joke of the Week

The Secret to a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Difference between the sexes

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he replied.

“Oh, have you killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males and two females,” he answered.

Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

 The husband grinned. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

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Country refreshment

A man was on a long walk in the country. It got chilly as evening fell, and so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something hot to drink. 

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. 

The housewife shook her head. “Ah, he’s not that friendly,” she said with a chuckle. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”

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And the cat came back

A man hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of it. So he put the cat in the car, and drove 20 blocks from home, and dropped it off in a strange neighborhood. By the time the man got home, the cat was already walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. 

He kept on increasing the number of blocks away from his house, but the cat kept getting home before him. At last he decided to take a meandering path into the country—drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, then another right, then left, and so on, until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot, and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her if the cat was there. 

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

Frustrated, the man said, “Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions.”

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Easter jokes for kids

Q. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?

A. With a hare-dryer!

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?

A. Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

Q. What did the rabbit say to the carrot?

A. It’s been nice gnawing you!

Q. How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?

A. He said it was eggs-cellent!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny travel?

A. By hare-plane!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

A. Eggs-ercise and hare-robics!

Q. Why did the Easter egg hide?

A. He was a little chicken!

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Doing the right thing


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” 

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” 

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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Trucker lingo

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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Losing the shirt off your back

Losing the shirt off your back

A woman who played cards one night each month with a group of friends was concerned because she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. 

One night after cards, she did her best not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom—only to find her husband sitting up in bed, reading.

“Good grief woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

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Doily Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.  One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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