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Archive | Joke of the Week

Yard sale anger

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read, “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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It’s a bug’s life

 

Q: Who do you call when mosquitoes attack? 

A: The SWAT team.

Q: What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect? 

A: The Masked-quito! 

Q: What has antlers and sucks blood? 

A: A moose-quito! 

Q: What is a mosquito’s favorite sport? 

A: Skin-diving! 

Q: How do mosquitos show they are religious? 

A: They prey on you! 

Q: Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? 

A: To improve his bite! 

Q: How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? 

A: You slap him and he slaps you back! 

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What did you say?

 

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” 

The farmer said, “ I want to get one of those dayvorces.” 

“Do you have any grounds?” asked the attorney.

“Yeah, I got about 140 acres.” 

“I mean do you have a case?” 

“No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere,” replied the farmer.

 “No you don’t understand,” said the attorney. “I mean do you have a grudge?” 

 The farmer smiled. “Yeah I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.” 

“No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” 

“Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” 

“Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” asked the attorney.

“No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” 

“Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” 

The farmer shook his head. “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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A prickly situation

 

A local veterinarian in a small town in Maine was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. 

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. 

“Fifteen dollars, Ma’am,” he answered. 

“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you Maine people, you’re always trying to over charge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when you’re not gypping tourists?” 

The vet smiled at the woman. “I raise porcupines, Ma’am.”

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The bus stop

 

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

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Safe to swim here?

 

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” 

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. 

About halfway there he shouted to the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” 

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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Fire up those engines

 

A newspaper photographer was assigned to cover the wildfires raging through the California. The newspaper wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. The photographer realized that the smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level, so he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!’’ 

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.” 

“Why?” asked the pilot. 

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.” 

The pilot was silent for a moment. Then he looked wide-eyed at the photographer. “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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Jungle adventure

 

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion sees him from a distance and thinks, “This guy looks edible, never seen one of his kind before!” 

So the lion rushes toward the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He loudly says, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and thinks, “Woah! This guy might be tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”

In a nearby treetop, a monkey had witnessed everything. The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey goes after the lion and tells him what really happened. 

The lion get angry and says, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together!”

So the lion starts rushing back to the dog with the monkey on his back. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the heck is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

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Coming and going

Three brothers, aged 96, 94, and 92, live together in the same house. 

One night the 96-year-old runs a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bathtub?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. 

He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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