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Archive | Joke of the Week

The wonders of hair spray

A man was driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but he was not in time. The basket of eggs and candy went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.

Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was very still. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny   and I think I killed it. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,  waved, hopped  another 50 yards and waved again.

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

 

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Future son-in-law


Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming as fast as he could go. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

“Listen,” said the man, “I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in!”

 

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What is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Then her father asked her, “Why did you decide to ask about this now?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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April Fools Day Office Pranks

 

1. Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say “I’m so sorry to hear you got fired !” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.

2. Use a 3M Post-it note placed underneath someone’s computer mouse – ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won’t work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!

3. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper (Great if you want to get fired !).

 

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Who is more important?

 

An alleged radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland many years ago:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you need to divert YOUR course.

Americans: (Sternly) This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

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A little Irish humor for St. Patrick’s Day

 

 

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a little short.

 

Q. Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?

A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

 

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?

A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

 

Q: What’s Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patty O’furniture!

 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?

A: A leper con.

 

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Doing it yourself

 

When a guy’s computer began to run slow, he called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed him that the computer probably needed to be cleaned of malware and viruses, as well as dust.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the computer manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by the man’s candor, the caller asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied with a chuckle. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Expiration dates

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

 

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Coverup Catch

 

This guy had an awful day ice fishing on the lake, sitting in the freezing cold all day, without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the guy behind the meat case, “Hey Joe, pick out four large catfish and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” he asked.

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

“Okay,” said Joe, “but I suggest that you ‘catch’ the orange roughy.”

“Why?” asked the guy, with a puzzled look on his face.

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to ‘catch’ orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”

 

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Valentine’s Day jokes

 

What did the Valentine’s day card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and you’ll go places!

 

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hogs and kisses!

 

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?

“I love you with all my art!”

 

What is the difference between a calendar and you?

A calendar has a date on Valentine’s day.

 

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

 

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

“I’ve got a crutch on you!”

 

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

 

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts!

 

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

I’m sweet on you!”

 

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche!

 

What did one pickle say to the other?

“You mean a great dill to me.”

 

What did one oar say to the other?

“Can I interest you in a little row-mance?”

 

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn’t suit his taste!

 

 

 

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