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Archive | Joke of the Week

Black snake

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes, he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

Jed groaned. “He is if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff!”

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Final exams

 

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

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Doing the right thing

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Golf definitions

 

GOLF, n.
[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites – the world’s slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[5] a game a lot like taxation – you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
[1] a person who yells “fore,” takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman – he doesn’t have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

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Fishing on the lake

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

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Genealogy

 

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

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Fishing on the lake

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

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Time Off 

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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Easter Riddles

 

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?

A: Hot, cross bunnies.

 

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn’t fit in?

A: Mallardjusted.

 

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?

A: A slam duck.

 

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?

A: Because he had an eggache! (headache)

 

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?

A: Eggercise

 

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?

A: Your one hot chick!

 

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A: A receding hareline.

 

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?

A: Soup and quackers!

 

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?

A: An egghead.

 

Q: Why are people always tired in April?

A: Because they just finished a march.

 

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?

A: He’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.

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Doily Box

 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

Aunt Edna smiled and said, “That’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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