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Archive | Joke of the Week

The Juggler

 

A state trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding.

“I’m a magician and juggler on my way to do a show for sick kids,” he explained, “and I don’t want to be late.”

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket. 

“I sent my equipment ahead and don’t have anything to juggle,” said the man. 

“I have some flares in my trunk,” said the trooper. “Do you think you could juggle them?”

“Sure,” said the man. 

So the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and sat there for a minute. Then a man (who was obviously drunk) got out, staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. 

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing. 

“You might as well take my butt to jail,” said the drunk, “’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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The Sword of the Spirit 

 

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and shouts: “ACTS 2:38!”

 The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?” 

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.” 

The cop turned to the burglar: “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?” 

The burglar replied: “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38s.”


See below to see what Acts 2:38 says:

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Peter said, “Change your life. Turn to God and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins are forgiven. Receive the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38, The Message). 

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Just cut your hair first

 

A young man comes home and says, “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

“But, dad,” says the son, “Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes, son, you’re perfectly right,” says his father, “and he walked everywhere he went.”

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Say cheese

 

When Tom went to get his driver’s license renewed, the local Secretary of State Office was packed. 

The line inched along for almost an hour before he finally got his photo taken and his license renewed.

When Tom got his license in the mail, he decided he didn’t like his photo, so he went back to the Secretary of State to complain. 

“I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture,” he griped to the clerk.

The clerk looked at his picture closely. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Fishing on the lake

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

 “Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.” 

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Lifeboat

 

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around and then thought hard what he should wish for. “I have no one at home waiting for me, so maybe I should ask for money and hope a boat picks me up. Or, maybe I should ask for a beautiful woman to marry,” he said to the genie. 

The genie looked bored. “C’mon! Make up your mind!” he urged. 

“Oh, I don’t know what to wish for!” cried the man in frustration. “I wish my friends were here to help me decide!”

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Things my mother taught me

 

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

You are going to get it when we get home!”

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You’re just like your father.”

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you…Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

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Deadly encounters

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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Final exams

At the end of the semester, there were two Michigan State sophomores who were taking organic chemistry. They had done well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. and had solid A’s. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to Central Michigan to party with some friends, even though the chemistry final was on Monday. They went and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they found their Professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it. 

They told him that they went to Central for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. 

The professor thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

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Time Off 

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one. 

“How are you going to do that?” 

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.” 

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory. 

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted. 

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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