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Archive | Joke of the Week

The pain of matrimony


At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down clutching his side. 

“Johnny, what is the matter?” she asked.

Little Johnny groaned and responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

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Church bulletin bloopers


Announcements found in church bulletins:

*Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

*The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

*We’ll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, “The First Nowell.”

*Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

*Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

*The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, “Find the gun.” They had a great time.

*The Pastor’s Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

*Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.

*Our Senior’s group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

*What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

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Write it down


There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them. 

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. 

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” 

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. 

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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A Grizzly conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it.

Later they got together. The priest began with his story: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” said the rabbi, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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A bird named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag. Again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Who are you?” the burglar asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

The man laughs. “Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” 

“I dunno,” answered Moses, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

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Punnies


What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

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Bear hunting


One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.” 

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.  

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

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What to choose?


An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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Good Old Days


Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. 

“When I was a kid,” he told me, “my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans…all for a dollar!”

My eyes grew wide in amazement. “Wow!” I said.

Then Grandpa shook his head sadly. “You can’t do that anymore… they got those new-fangled video cameras everywhere you look.”

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Principal rounds


It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. 

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions? 

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked. 

“Where exactly is your teacher?” 

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

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