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Archive | Joke of the Week

Some of the best two-line jokes

 

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

 

I went to an emotional wedding Saturday.

Even the cake was in tiers.

 

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

 

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

It just made him more sluggish.

 

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

 

Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

 

I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

 

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

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Waiting for years

 

A man and his wife had built their dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as they could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” the wife exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said. “I just got the order this morning.”

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Paid for standing around


The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. While walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

“Just how much are you being paid?” the owner demanded.

“A hundred dollars a week,” the young man replied.

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man, “Here is a week’s pay—now get out and don’t come back!”

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

“Tell me,” the boss asked him, “How long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied the warehouse manager. “He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.”

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Lifeboat

 

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around. “Gee, I’m kind of lonely,” he said. “I wish my friends were here with me.”

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Buy a verdict

 

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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The Juggler

 

A state trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding.

“I’m a magician and juggler on my way to do a show for sick kids,” he explained, “and I don’t want to be late.”

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

“I sent my equipment ahead and don’t have anything to juggle,” said the man.

“I have some flares in my trunk,” said the trooper. “Do you think you could juggle them?”

“Sure,” said the man.

So the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and sat there for a minute. Then a man (who was obviously drunk) got out, staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing.

“You might as well take my butt to jail,” said the drunk, “’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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Secret of life

 

A woman was walking down a residential street, and noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.

“Hello there! I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he replied. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise.”

“Wow!” The woman was amazed. “How old are you?” she asked.

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

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Forgetfulness

 

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses. As she walked away, the old man called after her. “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too!”

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Smile for the DMV

 

When Tom went to get his driver’s license renewed, the local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour before he finally got his photo taken and his license renewed.

When Tom got his license in the mail, he decided he didn’t like his photo, so he went back to the DMV to complain.

“I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture,” he griped to the clerk.

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Black snake

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes, he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

Jed groaned. “He is if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff!”

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