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Archive | Joke of the Week

Cheap skates

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated. “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Out of the loop

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well,” she told the caller. “We expect he’ll be released in the morning.”

“Very good, thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

The man chuckled. “This is Mr. Norton. The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Thanksgiving fun

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.


Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks


Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.


Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot


Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.


Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!


Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.


Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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Hotter than you-know-what

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their winter gear. The devil asks again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

“Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, ya know.”

The devil gets steamed and decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather in Michigan, so we’ve got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is furious. Finally, he comes up with a plan. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so badly, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats,  jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know? If hell froze over, that must mean the Lions won the Super Bowl!”

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Out of the loop

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well,” she told the caller. “We expect he’ll be released in the morning.”

“Very good, thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

The man chuckled. “This is Mr. Norton. The doctors don’t tell me anything!

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Write it down

 

There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them. 

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. 

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” 

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. 

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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The nun and the cab driver

 

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”. 

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” 

The man hesitates and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.” 

The nun smiles. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.” 

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” 

“OK,” the nun says. “When we get to my stop we will see what we can do.” 

When the driver stops the cab, the nun gets into the front seat and plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie. As she gets out, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?” 

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” 

The nun chuckles. “That’s OK, my name is Stan and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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Yard sale anger

 

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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The saga of the sewing machine ad

 

The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row–the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read, “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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It’s a bug’s life

 

Q: Who do you call when mosquitoes attack? 

A: The SWAT team.

Q: What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect? 

A: The Masked-quito! 

Q: What has antlers and sucks blood? 

A: A moose-quito! 

Q: What is a mosquito’s favorite sport? 

A: Skin-diving! 

Q: How do mosquitos show they are religious? 

A: They prey on you! 

Q: Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? 

A: To improve his bite! 

Q: How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? 

A: You slap him and he slaps you back! 

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