web analytics

Archive | Joke of the Week

Songs, jokes, sad stories

 

Three men worked in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story—each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke.  As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, it was time for the third man to tell his last sad story. But he was silent all the way up to the 102nd floor.

“What’s the matter?” one of them asked. “Did you finally run out of stories to tell?”

They had stopped in front of their office door. “I definitely have a sad story,” he said, and hung his head. He turned tear-filled eyes on the other two men. “I forgot the key.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments (0)

Tired farmer

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments (0)

Fishing wife

 

Two women were having coffee, and one seemed especially upset.

“So, what’s the matter?” asked the woman’s friend. “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered, “and he is not happy with me.”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.”

“That doesn’t seem like much to be upset about,” remarked her friend. “I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

The woman shook her head. “All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments (0)

The secret to a long life

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off on The secret to a long life

Joke of the Week

Country refreshment

A man was on a long walk in the country. It got chilly as evening fell, and so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something hot to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife shook her head. “Ah, he’s not that friendly,” she said with a chuckle. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off on Joke of the Week

And the cat came back

 

A man hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of it. So he put the cat in the car, and drove 20 blocks from home, and dropped it off in a strange neighborhood. By the time the man got home, the cat was already walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks away from his house, but the cat kept getting home before him. At last he decided to take a meandering path into the country—drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, then another right, then left, and so on, until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot, and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her if the cat was there.

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

“Put that cat on the phone,” grumbled the man. “I’m lost and I need directions.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off on And the cat came back

Doing the right thing

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the drunk replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off on Doing the right thing

Joke of the Week: Genealogy (April 14, 2016)

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Posted in Arts & Entertainment, Joke of the WeekComments Off on Joke of the Week: Genealogy (April 14, 2016)

Joke of the Week

Rigorous Exercise for Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Posted in Joke of the WeekComments Off on Joke of the Week

Joke of the Week: Golf meditations

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

Hazards attract, fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

 

Posted in Arts & Entertainment, Joke of the WeekComments Off on Joke of the Week: Golf meditations