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Archive | Joke of the Week

Septic truck sign


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Boot Lesson


A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.

The little boy had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t much easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

“Oh!” he remarked, with a toothless grin. “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots!”

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Short Snow Jokes


What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What’s an ig?

An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?

By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Frost bite!

What do you call an Eskimo cow?

An Eskimoo!

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Diary of a snow shoveler


December 8: 6:00 p.m. The first snow of the season. My wife and I sat for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow. Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. The snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. 

December 12:The sun melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor Bob said not to worry, we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again.

December 14: It snowed 8” last night. The temperature dropped to 20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. The snowplow came back and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling.

December 15: 12-14 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought 2 extra shovels. My wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity’s been off for 5 hours. Piled blankets on to stay warm. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Called the only hardware store around about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2” of snow today and it warmed up to 0. My wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight my wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the stinkin’ snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Snowed in. I hate the snow! The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. 

December 30:  Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $100,000 for the bump on his head. My wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Fireman


In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed   great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said 

“See, it says right here,  ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”

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Comfortable


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. 

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” 

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” 

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”

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Feeling like a newborn baby


Two senior gentleman from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

“I feel just a like a newborn baby,” replied Slim.

“Really? Like a newborn baby?”

He nodded. “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

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Thanksgiving fun


Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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New convert help


Tom was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave Tom a list of ten people who hadn’t been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, “What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church.”

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, “Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I’ve missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again. 

Sincerely, J.  B.  Jones, M.D.

P.S.  – Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one ‘t’ in dirty and no ‘c’ in skunk?”

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Rest in peace


A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site with a card reading, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake. But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

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