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Archive | Joke of the Week

Genealogy

 

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and from them came the whole human race.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  “Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, why is it that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother smiled and answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

 

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Fishing on the lake

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down, both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, the admiral sputtered, “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

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Time Off 

 

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said and the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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Easter Riddles

 

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?

A: Hot, cross bunnies.

 

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn’t fit in?

A: Mallardjusted.

 

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?

A: A slam duck.

 

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?

A: Because he had an eggache! (headache)

 

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?

A: Eggercise

 

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?

A: Your one hot chick!

 

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A: A receding hareline.

 

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?

A: Soup and quackers!

 

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?

A: An egghead.

 

Q: Why are people always tired in April?

A: Because they just finished a march.

 

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?

A: He’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.

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Doily Box

 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

Aunt Edna smiled and said, “That’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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Joining the team

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

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Beauty and cosmetics

 

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking her over carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Todd interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Supporting a family

 

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father.

“There are twelve of us…”

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A tangled web we weave

 

A police officer pulled over a woman who had been speeding.

She didn’t have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she pulled it out, and while keeping one eye on the approaching officer in her rearview mirror, she fumbled with it until it clicked into place. She then breathed a sigh of relief, rolled down the window, and smiled sweetly at the officer now standing next to her car.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”

“Yes, I do, officer,” she replied, nodding her head vigorously.

“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always wear it looped through your steering wheel?”

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Discount travel

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

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