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Archive | Joke of the Week

Doily Box

 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

Aunt Edna smiled and said, “That’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

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Joining the team

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

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Beauty and cosmetics

 

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking her over carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Todd interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

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Supporting a family

 

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father.

“There are twelve of us…”

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A tangled web we weave

 

A police officer pulled over a woman who had been speeding.

She didn’t have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she pulled it out, and while keeping one eye on the approaching officer in her rearview mirror, she fumbled with it until it clicked into place. She then breathed a sigh of relief, rolled down the window, and smiled sweetly at the officer now standing next to her car.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”

“Yes, I do, officer,” she replied, nodding her head vigorously.

“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always wear it looped through your steering wheel?”

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Discount travel

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.”

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Baseball in heaven

 

Two senior citizens, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol…Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”

“That’s great!” says Sol. “What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

“You’re pitching on Friday.”

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Learned from a snowman

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

  • It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.
  • Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
  • Wearing white is always appropriate.
  • Winter is the best of the four seasons.
  • It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
  • There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.
  • We’re all made up of mostly water.
  • You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.
  • Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
  • Avoid yellow snow.
  • Don’t get too much sun.
  • It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.
  • It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.
  • Always put your best foot forward.
  • There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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Weather forecaster

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

If you can’t see the dog but hear him barking, it’s probably a blizzard.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

 

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Learned from a snowman

 

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

•It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

•Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

•Wearing white is always appropriate.

•Winter is the best of the four seasons.

•It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

•There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

•We’re all made up of mostly water.

•You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

•Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

•Avoid yellow snow.

•Don’t get too much sun.

•It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

•It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

•Always put your best foot forward.

•There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

 

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