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Archive | Joke of the Week

Bear hunting


One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.” 

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.  

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

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Simple operation


A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

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How to get to heaven


A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“No!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.

Again, they all answered, “No!”

She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

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Say cheese


When Tom went to get his driver’s license renewed, the local Secretary of State Office was packed. 

The line inched along for almost an hour before he finally got his photo taken and his license renewed.

When Tom got his license in the mail, he decided he didn’t like his photo, so he went back to the Secretary of State to complain. 

“I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture,” he griped to the clerk.

The clerk looked at his picture closely. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

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Classmate Reunion


While waiting for her first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, a woman noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, she remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate.

After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

When did you graduate?” she asked.

“In 1986,” he answered. “Why?”

“You were in my class!” she exclaimed.

He looked at her closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

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Tired farmer


A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

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Flower Request


A man walked into a flower shop and quickly scanned the various flowers on display. “Do you have potted geraniums?” he asked. 

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums.  Could you use African violets instead?”

The man shook his head. “No, I’m afraid not,” he said sadly. “It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

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Taxi Grad

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, “How are you on this lovely day?”

“I’m the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.”

The driver looks back and shakes the young man’s hand and says, “Congratulations, I’m Mitch Class of 1969.”

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The Secret to a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Difference between the sexes

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he replied.

“Oh, have you killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males and two females,” he answered.

Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

 The husband grinned. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

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