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Archive | Joke of the Week

Trading up

A blonde filled her car with gas at a self-service gas station. After she had paid and driven away, she realized that she had left the gas cap on top of her car. She stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was gone.
She thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if she couldn’t find her own gas cap, she might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, she hadn’t been searching long when she found a gas cap. She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
She later told her husband about it. “You’ll be so proud of me!” she said. “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks!”

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Fire up those engines

 

A newspaper photographer was assigned to cover the wildfires raging through the California. The newspaper wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. The photographer realized that the smoke was so thick that it would make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level, so he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!’’

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment. Then he looked wide-eyed at the photographer. “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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Are You Really Sure?

 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”

“What?” asked the blind man.

“Well, for starters, our bartender is blonde, and so is the bouncer. On top of that, I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6-foot 2-inches, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6-foot 5 inches pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. That makes five of us. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy chuckles. “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Some of the best two-line jokes

 

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

 

I went to an emotional wedding Saturday.

Even the cake was in tiers.

 

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

 

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

It just made him more sluggish.

 

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

 

Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

 

I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

 

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

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Waiting for years

 

A man and his wife had built their dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as they could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” the wife exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said. “I just got the order this morning.”

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Paid for standing around


The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. While walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

“Just how much are you being paid?” the owner demanded.

“A hundred dollars a week,” the young man replied.

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man, “Here is a week’s pay—now get out and don’t come back!”

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

“Tell me,” the boss asked him, “How long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied the warehouse manager. “He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.”

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Lifeboat

 

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant each of you a single wish,” said the genie.

“I wish I was home,” said the first man. Then, poof! He disappeared.

“I wish I was home, too,” said the second man. Poof! He disappeared, too.

The third man looked around. “Gee, I’m kind of lonely,” he said. “I wish my friends were here with me.”

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Buy a verdict

 

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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The Juggler

 

A state trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding.

“I’m a magician and juggler on my way to do a show for sick kids,” he explained, “and I don’t want to be late.”

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

“I sent my equipment ahead and don’t have anything to juggle,” said the man.

“I have some flares in my trunk,” said the trooper. “Do you think you could juggle them?”

“Sure,” said the man.

So the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and sat there for a minute. Then a man (who was obviously drunk) got out, staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing.

“You might as well take my butt to jail,” said the drunk, “’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test!”

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Secret of life

 

A woman was walking down a residential street, and noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.

“Hello there! I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he replied. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise.”

“Wow!” The woman was amazed. “How old are you?” she asked.

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

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