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Archive | Joke of the Week

What to choose?

 

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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Good Old Days

 

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

“When I was a kid,” he told me, “my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans…all for a dollar!”

My eyes grew wide in amazement. “Wow!” I said.

Then Grandpa shook his head sadly. “You can’t do that anymore… they got those new-fangled video cameras everywhere you look.”

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Principal rounds

 

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions?

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked.

“Where exactly is your teacher?”

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

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The bus stop

 

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

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Expiration dates

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was silence at the other end of the phone.

“Why do you ask?” prodded the doctor.

“I’m wondering just how long I have left to live,” she whispered. “This prescription is marked NO REFILLS!”

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The Black Snake

 

It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. About a half hour later, he trudged back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.

Jed struggled to catch his breath. “I was chased by a black snake!”

The camper laughed. “A black snake isn’t deadly.”

“Listen,” groaned Jed, “if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he’s deadly!”

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Airplane ride

 

A farmer and his wife went to the fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!”

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Some of the best two line jokes

 

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

7. Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

8. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

9. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

10. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.

11. Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

12. Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

13. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

14. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

15. How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

16. Someone stole my mood ring,

I don’t know how I feel about that.

17. I tried to catch fog yesterday…

Mist.

18. The first rule of Alzheimer’s club…

Is don’t talk about chess club.

19. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

20. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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Where is the BC?

 

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a vacation in the Upper Peninsula. She wrote a letter to the campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the “B.C.” Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. That “B.C.” really stumped him.

After worrying about it for several days, the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.

So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

“Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. This is really a very friendly community.”

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Bear hunting

 

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

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