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Archive | Joke of the Week

The cure for lateness

 

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

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Rest in peace

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site with a card reading, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake. But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

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Thanksgiving fun

 

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

 

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

 

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

 

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

 

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

 

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

 

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

 

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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The pain of matrimony

 

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down clutching his side.

“Johnny, what is the matter?” she asked.

Little Johnny groaned and responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

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Church bulletin bloopers

 

Announcements found in church bulletins:

*Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

*The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

*We’ll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, “The First Nowell.”

*Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

*Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

*The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, “Find the gun.” They had a great time.

*The Pastor’s Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

*Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.

*Our Senior’s group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

*What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

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Write it down

 

There was an elderly couple that noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they wouldn’t forget them.

At home that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him.

Again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the wife said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband.

Again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen—over 30 minutes. He then came out and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife frowned at the plate for a moment then asked, “Where’s the toast?!”

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A Grizzly conversion

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they each went into the woods, found a bear, and attempted to convert it.

Later they got together. The priest began with his story: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” said the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” said the rabbi, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Punnies

 

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

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Ten common fishing terms explained 

 

Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.

Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

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What to choose?

 

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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