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Archive | Joke of the Week

Fourth-grade logic

 

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

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Septic truck sign

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Jogging your memory

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they teach you to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“Who teaches the class?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the instructor we took the memory class from?”

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Short Snow Jokes

 

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What’s an ig?

An Eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around?

By icicle!

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball!

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Frost bite!

What do you call an Eskimo cow?

An Eskimoo !

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Learned from a snowman

 

All I need to know about life I learned from a snowman….

• It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

• Wearing white is always appropriate.

• Winter is the best of the four seasons.

• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

• There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

• We’re all made up of mostly water.

• You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

• Avoid yellow snow.

• Don’t get too much sun.

• It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet.

• It’s fun to hang out in your front yard.

• Always put your best foot forward.

• There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

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Christmas funnies

 

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

A. Santa Clues!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it “soots” him!

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?

A. He came down with tinsel-itis.

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?

A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do lions sing at Christmas?

A. Jungle bells!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

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Button Nose

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Frosty opted for a button nose after he and Rudolph had a falling out.

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Cheap skates

 

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated. “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Out of the loop

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.

“Oh, quite well,” she told the caller. “We expect he’ll be released in the morning.”

“Very good, thank you.”

“May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?” inquired the nurse.

The man chuckled. “This is Mr. Norton. The doctors don’t tell me anything!”

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Thanksgiving fun

 

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A: He had an arrow escape.

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey trot

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?

A: Because they use such fowl language.

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A: I’ll let you know next week.

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