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Archive | Joke of the Week

Snow and winter jokes

What do snowmen call their kids?

Chill-dren.

What did the icy road say to the car?

“Want to go for a spin?”

What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?

Snow.

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Why did the girl keep her trumpet out in the snow?

She liked playing cool jazz.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Icy.

Icy who?

Icy you!

How do mountains stay warm?

They put on their snowcaps.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a temper tantrum?

A meltdown.

What is a snowman’s favorite snack?

Ice krispies treats.

What does December have that no other month does?

The letter D.

Where do snowmen put their money?

Snowbanks.

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?

Frosted Flakes!

Where do snowmen love to dance?

At a snow ball.

What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?

Iced tea.

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?

“Have an ice day!”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What can you catch with your eyes closed?

A cold.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Scold.

Scold who?

‘Scold outside!

Why are winter days great?

They’re snow much fun!

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New dog cross breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point owned by…oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = You figure this one out.

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New Year’s jokes

Q: Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?

A: To ring in the New Year.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

Q: What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

A: Pop!

Q: What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?

A: Moo Year’s Eve.

Q: Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?

A: Waiting for the punch line.

Q: What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

A: Hogs and kisses.

Q: Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve?

A: Times Square.

Q: Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?

A: To start off the New Year in a cool way.

Q: What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve?

A: I haven’t seen you for a year.

Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?

A: He got 12 months!

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More Santa jokes

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?

Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?

So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?

Saint “Nickel”-less!

What smells most in a chimney?

Santa’s nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?

A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?

A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?

Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?

Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?

Mistle-”toast”!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?

Because the presents won’t take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?

His north pole!

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Santa jokes

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?

At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?

“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

What does Santa put on his toast?

Jingle Jam

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??

Santa!  The other two don’t exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?

Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?

Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?

Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?

Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?

Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?

Santa Jaws!

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Christmas jokes

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. 

“Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe. “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!” 

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

A. Santa Clues!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it soots him!

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?

A. He came down with tinsel-itis.

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A flower by any other name

At a couples counseling meeting, the speaker mentioned that couples are often so disconnected that 85 percent of husbands don’t know their wives’ favorite flower.

Bob turned to his wife and whispered, “It’s self-rising, isn’t it?”

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More Thanksgiving jokes

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one? A goblet.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? Quack, quack!

Why was the turkey arrested? The police suspected fowl play.

Why shouldn’t you sit next to a turkey at dinner? Because he will gobble it up!

What type of glass does a turkey drink from? A goblet.

What happened to the turkey that got in a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

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Thanksgiving jokes

What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey? All About That Baste.

What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky!

What sound does a turkey’s phone make? Wing wing wing!

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving? Vegetarians.

Can a turkey jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses can’t jump!

Why do turkeys love rainy days? They love fowl weather.

Why do turkeys gobble? Because they never learned table manners.

What’s a popular Thanksgiving dance? The turkey trot.

Why do turkeys only star in R-rated movies? Because they use fowl language!

When do you serve rubber turkey? Pranksgiving!

What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.

Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

Why did the turkey cross the road? He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

What did the turkey say to the computer? Google, google.

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Jokes about Apples

Q: Who led all the apples to the bakery?

A: The Pie Piper

Q: What is Darth Vader’s favorite fruit?

A: Empire apples.

Q: When is an apple grouchy?

A: When it’s a crab apple.

Q: Why couldn’t Bob the Builder eat the apple?

A: Because it was Adam’s apple.

Q: Why did the Granny Smith apple cry?

A: It’s peelings were hurt.

Q: Why did the apple turn red?

A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q: What is an Egyptian apple pie?

A: The kind mummy used to make.

Q: What kind of apple isn’t an apple?

A: A pineapple.

Q: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?

A: Keeps everyone away.

Q: What did the apple skin say to the apple who couldn’t afford bus fare?

A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered

Q: Where do yellow jackets go to watch the big game?

A: Apple-Bees.

Q: What reads and lives in apples?

A: Bookworms.

Q: What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do?

A: It can look round.

Q: What kind of apples do they eat in the desert?

A: Camel apples. (caramel apples)

Q: Why did the yam get along so well with the apple?

A: They were both candied.

Q: What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate his apple pie too fast?

A: Stop goblin your dessert.

Q: Why did the apple join the circus?

A: He loved all the apple-ause.

Q: Why did the apple pie go to a dentist?

A: Because it needed a filling.

Q: What kind of apple throws the best parties?

A: Gala apples.

Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A: Finding half a worm.

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