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Archive | Joke of the Week

Cookies in Heaven

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed, when he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He followed the smell, and finally leaned against the doorframe and gazed into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. Hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies were spread out on the kitchen table. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. The aged and withered hand trembled as he reached for a cookie at the edge of the table. Just as his hand closed over the cookie, his wife smacked his hand with a spatula.

“Stay out of those!” she scolded. “They’re for the funeral.”

 

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The Moped and the Ferrari

 

 

A doctor buys a brand new Ferrari GTO that costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear window and wonders what it could be and then…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

He was feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

 

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Future son-in-law

 

 

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming as fast as he could go. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

“Listen,” said the man, “I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the name of the person who pushed me in!”

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Principal rounds

 

 

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said,” are there any questions?

One girl raised her hand. “Please sir, may we have our teacher back?” she asked.

“Where exactly is your teacher?”

The girl smiled. “He’s in the hall, sir.”

 

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The Substitute teacher

Walking through the hallway at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside the classroom with his head against the locker.
I heard him mutter,  “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer him moral support.
“Are you ok?” I asked. “Can I help?”
He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I can get this kid out of his locker!”

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Safe to swim here?

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

 

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The bus stop

 

 

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”

The other man looked at him and said, “I know. I heard it snoring!”

 

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Kid’s birthday party

 

 

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She hired a caterer, band and a clown to entertain the kids.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

“I’ll ask him,” says the bum, then he shouts at his friend, “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”

 

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Ten common fishing terms explained 

 

Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.

 

Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

 

Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 

Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

 

Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

 

Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

 

School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

 

Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

 

Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

 

Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.

 

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 Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

ENT-chicken

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

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