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Archive | Joke of the Week

Where is the BC?

 

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a vacation in the Upper Peninsula. She wrote a letter to the campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the “B.C.” Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. That “B.C.” really stumped him.

After worrying about it for several days, the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.

So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

“Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. This is really a very friendly community.”

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Bear hunting

 

One Sunday, a pastor decided to skip church and go hunting in the neighboring forest. While he was hunting he saw a huge black bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The pastor thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, and missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and charged at the pastor. The pastor used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Dear God,” he said, “please let this bear be a good Christian, a better one than I ever was.”

When the bear drew close, it also dropped to its knees to pray.

“I knew you were a good Christian bear!” exclaimed the pastor with relief.

“I sure am,” replied the bear. “Mama always taught me to pray before I eat.”

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Simple operation

 

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

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How to get to heaven

 

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“No!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.

Again, they all answered, “No!”

She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

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Songs, jokes, sad stories

 

Three men worked in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story—each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke.  As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, it was time for the third man to tell his last sad story. But he was silent all the way up to the 102nd floor.

“What’s the matter?” one of them asked. “Did you finally run out of stories to tell?”

They had stopped in front of their office door. “I definitely have a sad story,” he said, and hung his head. He turned tear-filled eyes on the other two men. “I forgot the key.”

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Tired farmer

 

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look tired, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, then I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him!”

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Fishing wife

 

Two women were having coffee, and one seemed especially upset.

“So, what’s the matter?” asked the woman’s friend. “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered, “and he is not happy with me.”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.”

“That doesn’t seem like much to be upset about,” remarked her friend. “I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

The woman shook her head. “All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

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The secret to a long life

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Joke of the Week

Country refreshment

A man was on a long walk in the country. It got chilly as evening fell, and so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something hot to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife shook her head. “Ah, he’s not that friendly,” she said with a chuckle. “That’s his bowl you’re using.”

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And the cat came back

 

A man hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of it. So he put the cat in the car, and drove 20 blocks from home, and dropped it off in a strange neighborhood. By the time the man got home, the cat was already walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks away from his house, but the cat kept getting home before him. At last he decided to take a meandering path into the country—drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, then another right, then left, and so on, until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot, and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her if the cat was there.

“Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

“Put that cat on the phone,” grumbled the man. “I’m lost and I need directions.”

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