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Archive | Arts & Entertainment

Fourth of July jokes

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk? 

The Star-Spangled Banner. 

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? 

The Americans licked the British! 

How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America? 

Because freedom rings. 

What’s red, white, black and blue? 

Uncle Sam falling down the stairs. 

What kind of tea did the American colonists want? 

Liberty. 

What was General Washington’s favorite tree? 

The infantry. 

What was the most popular dance in 1776? 

Indepen-dance. 

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? 

It can’t sit down. 

Why did the duck say bang? 

Because he was a firequacker. 

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? 

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

Why were the first Americans like ants? 

They lived in colonies. 

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? 

Beneduck Arnold. 

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and fireworks? 

Dino-mite. 

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? 

The Fodder of Our Country! 

What did one flag say to the other flag? 

Nothing. It just waved. 

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Funny one-liners

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

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Amazing Race at Cannonsburg Ski Area – Curbside if Needed!

Photo from the Traverse City race August 2019.

Racers will experience a woodsy, watery Amazing Race-like event at the Michigan Adventure Race: Cannonsburg Edition on August 15, east of Grand Rapids. Depending on the size of large groups allowed per executive order, the race may switch to “curbside” service. As soon as racers arrive, they can grab their race number, maps, shirt and go! Registration and details at www.miadventurerace.com.

Like the popular Amazing Race on television, teams of one to four will use maps and instructions to search for hidden checkpoints. But unlike the show where participants use planes, trains and automobiles to get around, racers will travel by their own power, running/hiking, biking and paddling, finding as many checkpoints as they can within the time limit.

Racers can pick from a 4-, 7- or 12-hour race. That seems daunting, but teams find a pace that they are comfortable with – often hiking instead of running–and most checkpoints are optional. The 4-hour race does not have the paddle section. For those who have never done an adventure race or used a compass, a free compass and navigation clinic will be offered on Saturday, Aug. 1. Online resources are available for those who can’t attend (takes about 30 minutes to learn to use a compass).

Our charity partner is Camp Anew, a branch of Starlight Ministries, that provides support specifically to children and teens ages 7-17; it is a place where campers will experience the value of gathering with other children who have experienced grief.

For more information about the race and to register, go to www.miadventurerace.com and visit www.facebook.com/miadventurerace to join a growing community of adventure racers.

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Becoming a new father

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

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It’s time to get more kids biking

(BPT) – For kids, biking is one of the gateways to growing up. Popular films and TV hits such as “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” and “Stranger Things” highlight the joy a bike can bring as a fun way to explore or spend time kicking around the neighborhood. Yet, according to a study from the Outdoor Industry Association, bike riding among kids declined 19 percent between 2007 and 2019.

With the weather getting warmer, there are plenty of good reasons for anyone to get outside and ride a bike. Especially during this time of social distancing, bike riding offers the perfect opportunity to shake off cabin fever and safely enjoy the fresh air.

Benefits of bike riding

For tweens and teens in particular, there are many benefits of owning and riding a bike, including:

  • It gets kids outside away from screens to enjoy fresh air and vitamin D-giving sunshine.
  • It promotes cardiovascular health.
  • It builds muscles, while improving balance and coordination.
  • It improves mental health by helping to reduce anxiety or stress.
  • It is good for the environment, offering an emissions-free mode of transportation.
  • It helps build self-confidence and relationships with others who like cycling too.

Help for foster kids who need bikes

Unfortunately, not every kid has the opportunity to enjoy the many positive aspects of bike riding. Children in foster care, tweens and teens in particular, don’t always have access to a bike, so they aren’t able to experience this important milestone of growing up.

To help address this issue, Honeycomb cereal is donating $50,000 to Together We Rise, a national nonprofit dedicated to helping improve the lives of youth in foster care. The donation will provide 600 bicycles to tweens and teens in foster care nationwide, helping them to build their confidence and experience the many physical and emotional benefits that having a bike brings.

Bikes have been part of Honeycomb’s history since the 1970s, featured in its advertising and promotions. Kids growing up in the ‘70s and ‘80s fondly remember collecting Honeycomb bike-sized state license plates, which were given away free inside cereal boxes each year. Honeycomb’s latest “Always Be Big” spot features a bicycle with a nostalgic nod to the past.

“We’re thrilled to team up with Together We Rise to give kids in foster care the chance to experience the fun and joy that biking brings,” said Michelle Titus, senior brand manager of Honeycomb cereal. “Throughout its history, Honeycomb has been a champion of the small yet big moments for kids. This donation will make the dream of owning a bike a reality for these kids.”

Safety tips

Kids heading out on their bikes should follow basic guidelines to protect their health and safety. Remind your tween or teen to:

  • Always wear a helmet, even for a short trip.
  • Be visible by wearing bright clothing and using reflectors or lights to ensure others can see you, especially in the early morning or around sundown.
  • Always use sunscreen to protect exposed skin from UV rays.
  • Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of fluids.
  • Stick to bike paths, if possible, rather than riding on the street.
  • Obey all traffic laws.
  • Stay alert while riding.
  • Don’t use ear buds or headphones that could prevent you from hearing traffic or other dangers.
  • Don’t use your phone or text while riding – stop and get off the trail to use any device.

Now is the perfect time to get your kids biking and consider helping foster kids do the same. For more information about the Together We Rise Bikes for Foster Children program or how to sponsor a bike for kids who need one, visit TogetherWeRise.org.

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A dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”   “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

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Hometown Happenings – 6/11/2020

Hometown Happenings articles are a community service for non-profit agencies only. Due to popular demand for placement in this section, we can no longer run all articles. Deadline for articles is Monday at 5 p.m. This is not guaranteed space. Articles will run as space allows. Guaranteed placement is $10, certain restrictions may apply. You now can email your Hometown Happenings to happenings@cedarspringspost.com please include name and phone number for any questions we may have.

Social Distance 5K

June 13: Social Distance 5K- A LITERAL CHIP TIMED RACE BUT MUST PRE-REGISTER FOR A START TIME!! Robinette’s Apple Haus, 4 Mile Rd. NE Grand Rapids, Saturday, June 13. Pick a starting time between 7:30 am and 10:30 am- Get out of your car, get your race bib, run your race, pick up your t-shirt, water, and a new SECRET flavor Clara Cookie at the finish, get back in your car. Results texted, prizes mailed!! $30 includes a tech shirt. 100% of your registration will be donated to our adoption grants for kids with special needs. More info and register at www.teamrophans.com/5k/. #24

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Auditions for “We are Monsters” children’s musical

Children ages 8-18 invited to audition

The Cedar Springs Community Players will be holding virtual auditions for the children’s musical “We are Monsters June 15 and 16. 

“We Are Monsters” is a hilarious new musical that follows human kids into a monster cabaret filled with quirky monster characters. The adventurous humans uncover vegetarian vampires and rock n’ roll werewolves, gradually realizing there may be more to these monsters than meets the eye! Most importantly these monsters and kids discover the importance of friendship and celebrating in the attributes that make each of us different and unique.

Auditions are for ages 8 to 18 and will be done virtually on Monday, June 15 and June 16.  The sign up schedule for auditions can be done at the following link: https://www.signupgenius.com/go/805094DA5A623A75-wearemonsters

Rehearsals will be on Mondays at 6:00 p.m. beginning on June 29. Practices will be virtual until further notice. For updates on performances, please refer to the Cedar Springs Community Players website or its facebook page.   

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More funny riddles

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You think it’s R, but it be the C.

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

Where to spaghetti and sauce go to dance?

The meat ball.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Hi, bud!

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

 My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

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Shutterbugs invited to submit photos from Great Lakes sites

 

Photo credit: From U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Detroit District Facebook page.

DETROIT- The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, Detroit District, invites the public to participate in their annual photo contest. 

Entries are now being accepted through 11:59 p.m. June 7 and should feature Great Lakes’ sites such as the Soo Locks, Duluth Ship Canal, piers, breakwaters or federal harbors on the Great Lakes. The top 12 photographers will have their photo included in a 2021 downloadable calendar and the top three photographers, determined by social media vote, will receive a plaque with their winning photo, provided by the Soo Locks Visitors Center Association. 

“I love the annual photo contest,” said Lt. Col. Gregory Turner, commander, USACE, Detroit District. “It captures the beauty of the Great Lakes and allows us to see the projects that we’ve designed, built and, now, maintain from a whole new perspective. We in the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Detroit District are proud to continue our annual photo contest tradition this year to bring a sense of community during uncertain times.” 

Digital photo submissions will be uploaded to an album on the Detroit District Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/USACEDetroitDistrict/ June 8 and open for public voting through “likes” until 9:00 a.m. June 22. By entering the contest, participants agree to abide by the official rules. Complete photo contest instructions and rules can be found on our website at: https://www.lre.usace.army.mil/Media/Photo-Contest/. Interactive maps of U.S. Army Corps of Engineers harbors and civil works projects in the Detroit District are also available on the website: https://www.lre.usace.army.mil/. For more details, contact Emily Schaefer, Detroit District public affairs specialist, 313-226-4681.

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