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Main Street

Groundhog Day revisited

You may have read here recently that Punxatawney Phil got laid off.  Now we’ve discovered the reason: it’s best not to make a big deal about your job dissatisfaction.

Valentine’s Day

Ah, love. We’re always looking for it or trying to improve it, and we feel lost without it. We have only one holiday about it, but it’s a biggie. Giving valentines is one of the great ideas of the western world. I never get cards for Labor Day, President’s Day, or the Fourth of July.

A question of taste

A ranger catches a guy eating a bald eagle. At the man’s trial, the judge asks, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes,” says the man, “but let me explain. I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything to eat for a week. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for fish. I thought if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal a fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish, I killed the eagle. I figured I might as well eat it since it would be worse to let it rot on the ground.”

After considering the man’s answer, the judge says, “Due to the extreme circumstance and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” says the man, “it’s hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California condor and a spotted owl.”

In due course

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he’d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Service was slow. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here…”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the waiter. “I can only serve one table at a time.”

Heads up

A little kid is flipping a coin while taking a true-false test. At the end of the test, he starts flipping the coin again.

“What are you doing?” asks the teacher.

The boy replies, “Checking my answers.”

Pig thoughts

If a pig is sold to the pawnshop, is it then called a ham-hock?

If you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, what can you make with it?

What do pigs say when they consider something that’s close to impossible? Would it be, “Sure, when humans can fly….”?

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