You’ve heard the joke. Here in Michigan we have four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. If you’ve been on the road lately you’ve noticed all the road and bridge work. Some politicians complain that the federal stimulus was a waste of money. However, it was the stimulus that got Michigan’s act together to start fixing our crumbling roads and create those construction jobs. And the Michigan legislature actually got a bit bi-partisan about the situation. A spokesman said, “I don’t ever remember running into a Democratic p aothole or a Republican pothole.”
The Washington Post has revealed the winning submissions to its contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selections:
• Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you’ve gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
More good words
The English language has some wonderful collective terms for the various groups of animals. We’re all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all the primates. And what is the proper collective term for a group of baboons? Believe it or not … a Congress. That explains much of what comes out of Washington.
After directory assistance gave the lady her boyfriend’s new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
“Is Mike there?” she asked.
“He’s in the shower,” the woman responded.
“Please tell him his girlfriend called,” she said, and hung up.
When he didn’t return the call, she dialed again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said.
“You’re not my boyfriend!” the lady exclaimed.
“I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half hour.”
Two elderly gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center are sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”