Closing?
If the U.S. Postal Service had its way, it probably could solve its problems. Unfortunately, Congress gets the final say. Things look precarious for zip code 34141 (not to mention 49341 and 49319). Benjamin Franklin was our first Postmaster General. I’ll bet he could have fixed things before now.
Amazing home remedies
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the ladies about putting down the toilet seat—just use the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. This will reduce the pressure on your veins. It’s good to use a timer for this.
4. Set a mousetrap and place it on top of your alarm clock. This will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. Actually, you need only two tools in your house—WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Medical department
A man enters a hospital to have a minor operation. A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc. “In case of emergency, whom should we notify?”
“You mean if I become very sick?”
“Well … yes.”
“If that happens, call a doctor!”
Food department
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak with the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” said the customer. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”
“Naturally,” replied the chef. “In Italy, the cheese they use is domestic. Ours is imported.”
Police department
A man gets stopped by the police around two a.m. and is asked where he’s going. The man replies, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
“Really?” says the officer. “Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Last words
Some people are like Slinkies. They’re not really good for anything, but they do bring a smile to your face when they get pushed down the stairs.