The makers of Barbie now offer a more up-to-date collection of Barbies for us more “mature” Barbie Lovers. Be sure to look for…

1.)    Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (Half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2.)    Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. (Comes with tiny hand-held fan and tissues.)
3.)    Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s “hormone” levels rise, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4.)    Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Also comes with two muu-muus, and tummy support under panties.
5.)    Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat.
6.)    No-more-wrinkles-Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines that have appeared with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie’s very own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7.)    Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8.)    Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.
9.)    Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Sooth her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
10.)     Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries… a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.