Batting average
Last week I received a complimentary letter from Jean Caldwell. In addition, I got a phone call from someone else complaining about my views on providing health care. That’s a batting average of .500. Not bad, wouldn’t you say?
Profile me!
Airport security people don’t dare profile travelers because they might overlook the “non-obvious.” But obviousness is on a sliding scale. Some travelers are more possibly terrorists than others. Personally, to the most casual of observers, I must be very low on the scale of possibility. I wish they’d profile me as “harmless” so I wouldn’t have to take off my shoes in airports. (And I still regret their confiscation of the little penknife I’d had for decades.)
When it comes to the new x-ray screening, I realize most people are not attractive naked. I’d hate to be the guy who had to look at them all day. But doesn’t it all come down to, “I don’t want my plane to blow up when I’m on it”? Nobody likes the inconvenience of the screening, but I’m glad they’re doing it.
Blank check
One Christmas, a busy mom decreed that she’d no longer remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year, however, things were different.
“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandma told a friend triumphantly.
“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in their behavior?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” said the grandma. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”
Kids
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”
Traffic cop comebacks
#1. “I’m glad to hear that the chief of police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
#2 “The answer to this question will determine whether you’re drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
#3. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
#4. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
AND THE WINNER IS…
#5. “You didn’t think we give tickets to pretty women? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
