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December

rogerheaderWaking in the morning, I leave the warm cocoon of bed and emerge into a cold, dark house with cold coffee. I get dressed and heat the coffee and enjoy a warm breakfast. It’s like being born. A new day, like a new life.

Best buy

One day on a radio show I heard a belittling reference to “feedbag clothes.” Just hold your horses there! A century ago most people were farmers. They had a cow, pigs, and poultry. Even town folks kept a few chickens. And everybody bought feed. It came in 100 pound bags of cotton, not burlap and certainly not paper or plastic. Just about every family made clothing out of the bags after bleaching off the trademarks. These weren’t dress clothes but they were perfectly fine for every day. Waste not, want not.

Today we get clothing from all over the world and the fabric mills in America are out of business. Clothes are still cheap, but I like the idea of getting them free with chicken feed.

State news

This happened a few years ago, but it’s the kind of news that bears repeating:

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in the defendant’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Johns, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge pulled a packet of cocaine out of the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Yearly Exam

This in from a friend: Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“135,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It says 180.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 feet 9,” I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’4”. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it’s very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “when I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

Recession depression

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors.
McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
A truckload of Americans are caught sneaking into Mexico.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them to ask if they mean you or them.

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